After
being forced by my
married boyfriend's family, in-laws,
pastor,
and
marriage counselor, he did not see me for two weeks,
but today I did see him again. I was going crazy and
felt so
depressed and down and he felt the same. I had
physical symptoms of feeling I could not breathe and
could not cope without him. All my life I
never needed anyone like I need him. It was a relief to
see him. This is not my
obsession with a married man for attention or
acceptance from my side. I am a very
sexy woman, I use to do
modeling and (not blowing my own horn here), I still
turn heads wherever I go. I KNOW for sure that he is my
soulmate and I cannot
let him go.
We saw each other again before he moved all his things
back into his house; he was very unsettled and his
nerves shattered. What he wanted was for his wife to
give him more time to decide, through
marriage
counseling and with his own
therapy
to figure out what he wants, but she is putting pressure
on him, which I understand but now he is moving back
because he doesn't want to upset the children with a
divorce decision.
She could see he was very unsettled and asked him what
was wrong. He said he finds the moving back process very
difficult and he said to her that he wished he could say
to her that what we have is
just sex,
because that would make it easier but it is not, and she
replied that she knows it is not
just sex
and it upsets her to know that - it would have been
easier if it just was that.
I really don't know what to do and I have been reading a
lot of case studies and options and ways to go about
this. Some of the people in this situation come out the
other side together but it was a tough road and tougher
when they eventually are together. My boyfriend told me
that his mom called him to tell him that
sex is actually
lust and all the bad things about an
affair and she wants to know why he can't just
work at his marriage and
embrace his family life and enjoy it - he also told
his mom that if only it was just
sex
and she went quiet.Is being
unhappy married better than being happy after divorce?
Why is
living your life to your own truth and heart so
wrong? I am
spiritual because I believe
God wouldn't want us to be
unhappy.
Everybody out there
having an affair are not bad people or sleazy and
sex hungry for a quick
fling. It infuriates me that the
other
woman gets branded as a
cheap slut
who wants to
break up a family, many of
the other
women really love the man and it is already hard
enough to know you are in the middle of his
marriage problems, because there were problems long
before he met the other woman, but as it goes, the other
woman is the wake up call.
I believe any
decision being made by my boyfriend
because of pressure from family and his wife,
church,
and the children, would not be a decision from his
heart. His children will
get married one day and
move on with their lives and
find
their own love of their lives. What happens to him
then? He told me that he doesn't and haven't
felt
attracted to his wife for a very long time already,
even before we met. He doesn't want to hold her and love
her but when he is with me, he loves hugging and
kissing me.
I asked him why he can't let go - his family not
accepting what he is doing and his children suffering.
Why can't his family support him, because if he is not
happy how can his
wife be happy. After 2 months of
marriage
counseling, we are growing closer than ever before
and he just realizes that he cannot
trust that his wife, after 21 years being one person
is now a
totally different woman, which he is supposed to
want to be with? Isn't that false? She is
trying to be someone she is not, not to lose him? If
the family supports him, then the children will also
cope better? Why can't they not be
grownup about it? He is a
middle-aged man and he doesn't want to disappoint
his family and children.
Even if we do
breakup,
which I hope we don't, I cannot see him and his wife
grow old
together. It is sad because I love him and I know a part
of him will die forever if we breakup and as he told me,
he loves his children but he had more quality time with
them when he was separated. He just needs to know that
they will be fine emotionally when he says he
wants a
divorce. I believe that will depend on him and his
wife deciding together that it is better to
get
divorced and both their parents loving them and
respecting them and their decision. Who
sleeps
next to them at the end of the day? Husband and
wife, so how can parents force their children to stay in
something they don't want to be in.
Remember my boyfriend comes out of a home where no one
EVER got
divorced. He will be the first and in their family
too it is a shame to get
divorced and they make it very clear to him that he
will have the
shame of
an affair hanging over him and people will see him
as that - a
cheater. Isn't that ugly and un-loving towards him?
I believe the only person who knows what is good for you
is you, yourself. It is good to listen to other people
and professionals but it is still my life and I want to
live my life to have my own experience not other
people's. It is good to know what to expect, some people
have happy endings and others don't, I am preparing
myself for both.
What are Sally's options?
Obviously,
I cannot and do not want to decide for you. Not only do
I not know everything and can never
feel your
emotions, in the end, it is you who has the
make a decision because you will have to live with
the rest of your life. What I can do is to help you look
at the situation from a different perspective so that
you will make a
better decision.
With the recent developments that you have reported,
while I realize that a divorce is not something that
easy for anyone, he has not been strong. I would have
liked him to be a man, firmly tell everyone that he does
not love
his wife any more, and it is best for everyone to
move on with their own lives rather than drag the
pain.
By moving back in, he is
lying to himself, his wife, family, and obviously,
you. That is why regardless of what he says to you, and
how he presents himself as a
victim of circumstances, he has disappointed me. I
would have wanted him to not lie to his wife (remember
that if you
marry
this man, he could do the same to you some day) and
be more honest with everyone.
I also feel that you are more concerned about his lack
of
happiness than he is. If his own and your happiness
was more important to him than that of his wife, family,
society, etc., I think his actions would have been
different.
Finally, I support whatever decision you take and I will
still not be disappointed in you. But I still have a
suggestion that I have made to other people in similar
situations. You must have a personal deadline for this
relationship. For example, if you want him to figure
it all out and decide his future step, it is good to
tell yourself that you want to wait 3 or 6 or 12 months
(whatever time makes sense to you) and then move on,
rather than wait for him indefinitely.
I know you are a spiritual person, and hope you realize
that you live only once, life is precious, there are
other wonderful people out there if you open your heart,
and it would be unwise to spend the rest of your life
waiting for a man who did not have the guts to be honest
with himself. |
