| Abby
writes, "I am dating a
man who is
having problems in his marriage and wants to
get a
divorce. He is the most wonderful man that I have
met in my life of over 40 years and will be my second
husband if we get married, but he is so
miserable in his marriage. Unfortunately, like any
marital crisis, nothing seems to be going smoothly.
Their
marriage counselor suggested they get away for a
long
romantic weekend getaway without kids. He wants them
to talk to each other about
what they want for themselves in life. My boyfriend
told me that the hardest thing for him is to tell his
wife he doesn't want to be with her and hurt her,
because she was never a wife who gave him any trouble,
she never
fought and never gave him a hard time. It is just
that she is not his type of girl and he has fallen out
of love. Do you think that I should see him
again after this weekend when he calls me and he tells
me that he hasn't decided and he hasn't told his wife
that he is still seeing me, although he is not living
with her, but separated from her and children? I know
she doesn't know we are seeing each other, that makes me
feel sad because at least in the beginning when he moved
out, he told her about me and left. Then my question to
him after this weekend, if he tells me he didn't tell
her he is seeing me or he didn't tell her what he tells
me that he doesn't want to
hurt her
by leaving her or that he can't live without me or
let me go - I need to ask him "what are you doing now?"
I believe if he is going to hide me and lie to his wife
now, at least as I said, he was honest with her in
beginning, he is going to slander and disrespect
everything we have, the
love that is so special to me, us, will be made
cheap and ugly. I feel if he cannot at least tell her
that he still sees me, he must rather
let me go, because nobody is going to
make the love I give from my heart with such
abundance, so cheap and ugly."
Married men having affairs want to have fun
Regarding
your situation, obviously everyone involved with the
matter is trying to do what they can to
save the marriage. And to be very honest, if this
guy and his wife can work through their problems and
live happily hereafter, well, good for them and their
two children. As you probably know,
divorce is extremely painful, and the scars are
lifelong even for those couples who
find love again and remarry. And the kids change for
the rest of their lives with a very cynical attitude
about love and family.
Now, as you very rightly pointed out, the moment a
married man is having an affair with another woman
(regardless of the
love for the other woman and
how broken the marriage is), he has begun lying and
started being dishonest to his vows to his wife.
Personally, I tell people who are in
failed marriages to first
work through their marriage, and then get a divorce,
and after that
start dating again. It just is the right way to
handle it. So by constantly lying to people around him
right now, he is not being a very honorable man, and I
would not be surprised that after he returns from his
weekend trip, he maybe lying to even more people,
because he is conflicted at this moment. On one hand he
does not
love his wife but does not want to or cannot just
leave her but on the other hand he wants to be with you
too; so to keep things the way he wants and what reality
allows him to is going to involve playing a cat and
mouse game.
I think you have to hear what he has to say. Do not say
anything right away and ask him for time to think it
through. Try not to see him in person. Take a look at
the situation from all angles, and of course, think
before you open your mouth.
Remember that you are
in love with a married man with tons of
baggage and this relationship will have a lot of
issues to deal with as he goes through divorce (that can
be an emotional drain on everyone) and then marries you.
And even after that, he will be
committed both time and money wise to his ex wife
and their children and that too can cause a lot of
friction
in a new marriage. |
