I talk
to a lot of people like you and my (rather unscientific)
experience with my readers has shown to me that most
men eventually return to their wives. As you know
these
decisions are not easy and when the other woman
pushes the man to
take a decision one way or the other, these
men often choose to leave her. From what I
understand many
lonely married men find women to help fill holes in
their lives, especially if they are
going through a midlife crisis, some even have long
term
sexual relationships, but eventually they find it
very hard to leave their families. Some do, but the
number of men who do so are a very small fraction of
those who actually have
extramarital affairs.
I had
not heard of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples book but I took a look at
the reviews on Amazon and apparently people love it. I
am sure he must have nice things to say. My personal
position is that we should
be careful whom we marry, and
then realize that even if two people are very
compatible,
marriage requires enormous effort all the
time. It is literally a second job, as
Sting and Trudie Styler argue, that we have and it
requires working 24/7. Since we are all
changing a
little every day, the job is really never over because
we must
change along with our partners and influence how
they change with us. I also believe that a
couple must
be able to work out a lot of problems that seem
insurmountable by talking about them and
striking
compromises. My recommendation to most people is to
keep
their expectations from marriage really, really low. The
chick flicks and
romance novels make relationships all
consuming but I like to think that if we treat our
spouses like good friends, everyone will be happy. I am
not a big fan of
divorces, especially if the couple has
kids, because I consider that a
couple should do the
hard work to improve their marriage because they
chose
to have kids together.
Having
said that, we are after all humans, and we make mistakes
dozens of times a day. We make mistakes in small things
like taking a wrong street while driving, but we also make
huge
mistakes about money,
career, and
relationships. As long
as we do our best to rectify our mistakes and also learn
from them, it is fine to take corrective actions,
regardless of the loss. It is like
choosing a bad stock;
at some point you take your losses and move on to
find
other investment opportunities. That is why I do
recommend
divorce as an option of the last resort for
couples who have kids together.
There
is, therefore, no reason to tell your boyfriend not to read this
book Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, or for that matter, any book. In the end, he will
need to come up with a decision that he feels most
comfortable with. If he again makes a mistake, then, he
will simply pay for his choices. I think you have
already done your part (by
giving your love at the
peril
of destroying your marriage) and there is nothing more
that you can do to influence his decision.
You
want to
spend the rest of your life with a
strong man,
not a wimp. If this
man is unable to gather the guts to
leave his wife and live with the consequences (like less
time with his kids), do you really want to be with a
weak man like this? And if he leaves them without being
100% convinced, you will be
stuck with a man, who will
always be beating himself up, or blaming you for forcing
him to do this, or just being miserable his whole life
due to guilt.
I
like
strong women and I want you to be strong. I am
noticing that at this point you have put your fate into
his hands, as if he is the one to
decide the course of
your life. If tomorrow he comes and tells that he has
chosen to be with his family, I can envision you
heartbroken and shattered. I realize that you are in
love, but in the end, no one will ever care for you as
much as you. So
always put yourself first, do not let
the world toss you around, because if you let others
dictate the
course of your life, no one will care about
your
happiness.
My
recommendation will be to give him (mutually agreed upon,
but finite) time to make a decision. During this time,
do not bother him and let him arrive at a decision,
because as I said previously, you have clearly signaled
what you want. If he chooses to leave his wife and marry
you, good for both of you. I think that
relationship
will be perfect and hopefully full of joy because he
would have taken that decision from the bottom of his
heart, not because you forced him or because he took
pity on you. If he chooses to stay with his wife, I know
you may not like to hear this, but good riddance. He
would have simply demonstrated that he is a timid, weak,
spineless man who cannot make risky choices in life. He
would rather be miserable in his comfort zone than treat
life as an adventure to
find happiness wherever
opportunities lie.
If he
chooses to not be with you, believe it or not, I would
like you to get a divorce. You are pretty miserable, you
have done the best you could, and nothing is going to
change in your life. You will need to
take charge of
your life from now on and
find happiness in your own way
rather than relying on men to give it to you. In my
opinion, it is better to be
single
and happy than to be
married
and miserable. I am also confident that a loving person
like you will
find love again, hopefully, with a
man who
does not have so much baggage and will have the
courage to
marry a risk-taker, bold woman like you. |
