Valentina
writes, "I
got married when I was 19 years old when I
fell
in love with what I thought to be a wonderful man
who was not being treated the right way by his then
wife. It has been two years of our marriage and we have
a five-month-old girl. My
husband and his ex-wife were married for eight
years, but she had
fertility problems and despite trying
IVF and
IUI, she
did not get pregnant. Since he
badly wanted to have children, he got a divorce and
we got married. I now suspect that my
husband
and his ex are still communicating daily. He often
spends hours alone in his bedroom (yes, you may be
shocked but we sleep separately) glued to his
laptop
and I am not even allowed to knock. Lately,
he does not
even spend time with me but spends almost all of his
time either on his
computer
or with friends. I feel
he does
not like me. Since I thought I
married a good man who was just not with the
right woman, I always try to do his wishes. I take
good care of our house and daughter and not only am I a
reasonably
good looking woman, even
after a pregnancy, I
look great. On the rare occasion that he wants to
be intimate with me, I do as he wants even if I am
not
in the mood. I do what is in my power to
make him love and want me. Please tell
me what should I do. Why is it that he doesn't want to
even sit with me, and find out about me and our
daughter? Why do I feel that I have to force him to talk
to me? I am also wondering if I should
learn new sex techniques to
please my husband in the hope that
he will love me."
I see a few problems in your marriage:
-
He
is much older than you. You were just a teenager
last year while he is already a
very mature man. Plus, he has
experience of being with women, including a
marriage of 8 years, while for you, this is your
first marriage and probably the
first time that you are with a man. That is why
he seems to be taking advantage of your innocence.
- He still has
not gotten over his ex wife. It happens to many
men. Also it is clear that his
ex wife is not giving up and is telling him to
how to mistreat you. Maybe she hopes that you will
leave
him, give up
custody of the child, so that they can
get back together and have a
happy family.
- I think you are being a
great wife but maybe you are being too nice. By
doing whatever you can and not asking for anything
in return, he maybe thinking that you are weak and
stupid, and that is why he exploits you and does
what he wants.
- I feel that even if you
become the best woman in bed (I am guessing that
you are already reasonably good like almost anyone
else), I am not sure if that will
make
him love you more. I do not think that the
problem is that he
does
not like sex with you; the problem is that he
does not love you. That is why he is excluding
you from his life.
- In my opinion, you have to stand
up and be strong and demand that he treat you with
respect. You have to insist that you
sleep in the
same bed and spend enough time with you and your
child. You have to also force him not to spend too
much time with his friends. You have to fight for
your rights and insist that he treat you as his
wife; otherwise, you will
stop loving him and will
leave him.
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