Cynthia
writes, "I've been married to my husband for 6 years. We
have 2 children ages 6 and 4. I've finally realized that
he is very controlling. He purposely ruined my
credit history so I couldn't
get a credit card or even
open a bank account. Now only he
handles our family finances. I'm not allowed to
go out
with friends, and if I do, he will make me feel
guilty for wanting to go. I gained 60 lbs over the 6
years of being married to him, and now my
health is at risk. I've managed to lose 40 lbs, but
despite barriers created by him. He doesn't really
support my
fight to lose weight and will bring
fast food
home as much as possible. I never could understand why a
thin man
wouldn't want a skinny wife, but now I do. He's
doing everything he can so I have to depend on him. I
don't love him and I can see my boys picking up on his
behavior.
I need to leave but I don't know how. I haven't had
a job in over 7 years. I just don't know where to begin.
Please help me figure out what my first steps need to
be. I have
no money for a lawyer or to start out on my own. How
do I do this with 2 children?"
Yes, I understand exactly what is going on. Not only is
this man a
control freak but most likely a
narcissist. By
constantly
putting you down, and indirectly
destroying your self esteem (if
you are fat or without a job or just feeling nothing
more than a
maid to him, you are losing respect for yourself),
he wants to make sure that you are always
available
for abuse and will have nowhere to go.
Planning is key to finding happiness
after divorce
I am glad that you have made up your mind about leaving,
but please do not leave without a plan. If you have
suffered for so long already, a few months, or even
years, will make no difference. Here is what you need to
do:
- I realize it is a very difficult
to
find jobs but it is at least a good idea to get
started -- even in the
worst economy there are
jobs for people with skills. Also, you need to
see what other skills you have that you could
turn into a
way to make money. Can you do some
handicrafts? Or make
soap? Or sell something on eBay? I
make a living working full time online from my home
and let me warn you that there is
no short cut to success (and please do not fall
for all kinds of scams about
making money working from home), but the reason
I am telling you this is that there are
opportunities for you to
make money using something that you are good at.
Money is important in life and without it you
feel helpless.
- Start looking at your
personal budget and see where you can cut
back. Do not tell him where you have cut.
Whatever you cut, just save it and put it in a
secure place. There is a lot of information out
there on how to cut back, but you will be surprised
how much you can save by just
brewing your coffee at home or switching your
cell
phone plan or not eating out or by doing many
errands in one trip. Do you keep
buying clothes for yourself every season? Maybe
it is fine to hold back for a few months and
recycle some clothes or
buy
when they go on sale. So sit down and do some
Math to see how you can
get some money in your secret account.
- Keep going on your
weight loss plan. Yes, he can
bring fast food home, but I am assuming that he
is not going to shove it down your throat. Using the
tricks that you have used to lose 40 lbs, just avoid
his choices by
preparing meals for yourself separately. Tell
him that you have lost all taste and desire for
pizza and
hamburgers.
-
Build your self esteem. You
want your life back and you will get it by
following a plan.
- Share this plan with a family
member or friend you can trust completely. You
may need their
financial help and/or a place to stay for a
while. Obviously, he will need to give
child support but do your Math to figure out
how much will you need. It does not hurt to
consider relocating to a cheaper location even if
that means huge
changes in your lifestyle.
- There are many websites and
boards for women in your situation. You can join
some of them to find a support network and ask
questions. A lot of legal advice can be obtained
from other women who have gone through similar
experiences. Hopefully, by the time, you are ready
to leave him, you will
have some savings.
|
