| Jeff
writes, "I'm 55 and having trouble
pleasing
my wife. As
happy as sex makes us, she rarely has interest in
actually having it. So I mostly take care of myself
through
self pleasure. Physically, I'm okay. But I get a
combination of
performance anxiety on those (more frequent
suddenly) occasions when she wants it. Plus I'm simply
not all that turned on by her.
My wife
has gotten fat and old -- I have too, but I don't
have to look at me. And she's kinda
boring in bed -- we have been faithful for 30 years
even though I've been
tempted by
other women. How do I get turned on by her? I'd tell
her what to do, but I don't really know what to ask
for." Women in sexless
relationships
Your wife has comfortably settled in that
phase in her life when sex does not matter all that
much. In your case the good news is that she still feels
happy
having sex, and as you report, she has been asking
for it more frequently.
I think it is a good time for you two to have some
serious conversations, considering that you two are
still
young as far as ability to have sex is concerned. If
you have no
symptoms of erectile dysfunction and can fight it
with the help of
Viagra,
Cialis or
Levitra later on, there is no reason to not
continuing well into your
70s and even 80s. Tell her
how
important sex and living life is for you. Emphasize
how
you want to live a fun life as long as you can by
staying in shape,
eating healthy, and
having sex frequently. I do not have a lot of
patience for a wife who does not agree with these
simple goals for life and marriage (except of course
for a medical reason like
menopause). I have heard from women, though, who do
not, because they have
lost their libido completely.
Let your wife know about your
frustrations
In your case, I am hopeful that she
will realize that she may be
failing in her responsibilities as a wife and needs
to act, by
working out to
look better and
be attractive to her husband of 30 years (I wouldn't
be surprised that at this point she has started taking
you for granted for being with you in
such a long marriage and never being
unfaithful). I think she needs a reality check that
if her husband's
sexual
needs are not met with her, he has a reasonable case
to
find someone who will meet his needs. Obviously, you
will have to think through what you expect from her. Do
you want her to
lose weight?
Dress up in lingerie? Stop
wearing hideous outfits around the house that remind
you of your grandma? Be prepared for trying new
positions? Basically, you want her to
get a makeover but the more specific you are, more
she will know what to do.
Regarding your
bedroom performance anxiety, I think it is somewhat
understandable because as we
guys get
older, the stamina goes down, the amount of
semen
ejaculated drops, and the
orgasms are shorter. Similar changes happen to women
too -- they do not
lubricate naturally, the
libido definitely drops, and the
orgasms
are rare, if any. I think any reasonable woman knows
that you are not a 20-year old and will accept you as
you are. So the best thing is to not worry about it and
go ahead and do it. |
