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Catherine
writes, "I have been with my husband now for seven
years, married four of those years. I have 2 children
from my first marriage and 2 children from my current
marriage. I felt like this relationship was doomed from
the start as we had already had so many complications
before the marriage. Lots of
fighting and
emotional abuse from him towards me and my kids. I
stuck it out and am still sticking it out purely for
financial reasons. He has a
really
good job. As the
abuse
progressed over the years I felt less and less attracted
to him and found myself almost resenting him in so many
ways that it appalled me to even be near him physically
and emotionally. Therefore, all of that just pretty much
stopped altogether even though he didn't want it to and
kept pressuring me to be
more intimate with him, I just couldn't. Now I am
working and I think it would be a
struggle financially at first, but think I could
manage to be without him. The problem is I have been
having an
affair for a little longer than 8 months now and I
think I have truly
fallen
for this other guy. I told my husband about it and
we split briefly for a couple of months. He is back now,
for financial reasons again and claims he is doing
everything in his power to
save this marriage. But, I'm not so sure that I am.
Nothing has really changed and we have not had any
physical contact besides brief
goodbye
kisses and hugs. I told my husband I would
end the extramarital relationship and I did briefly.
I missed the other man so much and he treats me so
sweetly I felt like I couldn't resist just seeing him
and talking to him; just being close to him made me
feel human again, so to say. So I have been talking
to and seeing the other man occasionally against my
husband's will. Nothing has really
changed in my marriage even though we both say it
will, I think deep in my heart it never will. I
love my husband and I know he loves me very much but
I don't know if I should end this or try harder to save
it. I just don't know if it's even worth it.
I feel so
far from him and yearn so much for the
attention and affection the other man gives me. I do
not want to jump into another relationship and certainly
do not intend to do so with this other man and he
understands and is willing to wait - obviously he's
waited this long already. I'm so
confused and emotionally exhausted. Please help lead
me to the right decision.
Should I stay or should I go?"
Marriage counseling only goes so far
Based on what you have said in your
email, I would say the time to leave has come -- I
typically tell people in similar situations to try
professional relationship therapy or seek help of
friends, family members, and even a
spiritual advisor if they have one. I am sensing
that neither of you is really committed to making it
work.
My response would have also been different if you wanted
to
leave marriage after meeting another man because
that would have meant that you did not try hard enough
to
make your marriage work. Your story shows that you
have tried for years and he is the one who has not tried
to change. Maybe you guys are just wrong for each other
even though you are both good people. It is very obvious
that you two
married for the wrong reasons and even worse, had
children while you were having
problems
in your marriage.
At some point divorce is the best
option for everyone
So
put your finances in order and
call an attorney. By delaying the decision any
further you are merely procrastinating making a
difficult decision -- it is not helping your
marriage get any better and chances are that both of
you are miserable in it (I would not be surprised that
the kids are miserable too because when
parents
do not love each other the
environment in the family is not conducive to happiness).
Marriage is a challenging arrangement and all of us
who
willingly marry should do the best we can to make it
work but like anything else in life there should be
limits to
making a marriage work. I mean would you keep
learning Math your whole life if you realize as a 12
year old that you hate it? Would you force yourself to
eat tofu forever if you really hate it? You seem to
have reached a point that you do not feel any desire to
linger any longer and it is best that you pursue another
path to
marital bliss. |
