 Kristen
writes, "I have never talked to anyone before about this
issue but I feel I really need some advice, and after
reviewing your responses I think you maybe able to help
me. I am a 32 year old woman and I met a man who is 19
about a year ago. I am currently in the
final
stages of my divorce. I met him after my (soon to
be)
ex-husband agreed to divorce. However,
ex-husband
wanted to live in the house till he came back from his
trip. My
ex-husband is a
musician and would
travel for months at a time. I had
suspected in the past he had been cheating on me but
he would mentally manipulate me into thinking it was all
in my head. All the signs were there and after actually
speaking to others after the fact they said I was stupid
for believing it was in my head. A year and half ago we
agreed to divorce and finally after not being able
to take the ex still living here, I
kicked him
out exactly a year ago within weeks of my
meeting my
new boyfriend."My online
boyfriend appears to be awesome
She talks about her new love, "This new guy, Matt, was
everything I always wanted in a man. When we
first met he was
so
sweet and we were
so shy
towards each other. I had never been
unfaithful the full 12 years of marriage despite
knowing the
ex had been cheating on me. Within weeks of meeting
him, we became very close online. He really listened to
me. He would even ask me questions about my
ex and
that relationship. My
ex was abusive verbally, sometimes physically, and
very much
mentally. During this time the
ex was not talking to me and was
pursuing another relationship. He came back a few
months later and we began
planning out the assets to divide. During this time
my new man seemed to change a bit. I did not tell my
ex husband of my
new relationship because I didn't want any harm to
come. Well, the kids told my ex about the new
guy I was spending a lot of my time with online.
When my ex-husband asked me I told him the truth and
that
I loved this man. I didn't want to lie. He totally
freaked out and
threatened to take my kids away and have my new
boyfriend in court and a lot of crazy things. My
boyfriend lives on the west coast and I am in the
Midwest. We have never met. We have spent so much time
chatting
online and
playing a game online. My
ex-husband also said he was going to ban me from
moving anywhere and manipulated my kids' heads as well.
He was a
terrible father to our children and when he found
out about this new man he tried to be a
super-dad. In fact he even said prior to finding out
about my new boyfriend that he really didn't care where
I moved because he travels all the time anyway and it
doesn't make sense to make me stay. Well I told my new
boyfriend that my ex knew about us and he handled it
pretty well. He seemed to even draw closer to me and we
shared such a
special
bond. He was there for me so much. Well, time has
passed since my ex husband is
prolonging the divorce but has since changed a
little and is allowing me to relocate and such. The
papers are ready and I really thought that he was going
to cooperate but now he is finding yet another excuse to
drag out the process. During this whole time, Matt and
have struggled, it seems. He sometimes gets really close
to me and we share so many special times. Then all of a
sudden he just changes it seems and ignores me or I will
talk and doesn't answer or I will ask about something
and he acts as if I never said anything at all. I am so
confused. When the relationship first began he would
tell me he loved me and missed me. Now he doesn't say
those things much anymore. In fact when I say
I love you most of the time I get no response. It
makes me cry because he is the only one for me and am
deeply in love with him. Then sometimes he will say it.
It so confusing."
I want to believe that my boyfriend
is in love with me
Kristen describes the life her
so-called
virtual
boyfriend, "He does
live at home with his parents
and his brother from what I know of. He isn't very open
with me about his life. It really scares me. I pick up
on different changes. Like the
game we play when I played he seemed to want to go
to bed early. Then when I went back to work he started
staying up late while I was asleep and then slept during
the day while I was up. When I first started work he
didn't do that but after a week or two he did. It sent a
red flag to me that it was a sign of avoidance and when
I asked him about it he got defensive. I also made
comments as if he met someone else and got irritated
with me and told me no and that it hurts him for me to
think he is a
man whore or something.
I felt terrible. I don't want to think these things but
he is giving me signals and signs he isn't into me. He
and I share a lot of private responses.
I
want to satisfy him although I can't physically be
there so I do it through the web. I do anything he asks
on a
webcam and I
send him
pictures and
video clips.
He gets upset if I am not giving him my attention so
that makes me feel he still cares. He seems really
different now while I am going through this final stage
of the divorce. Before the first signing though he said
on his on I love you. And a little while after that I
asked him his feelings for me and he said 'I
love you' and I said you really do and he said yes."
He does not take the relationship
as seriously as I do
She is so confused by this
young man, "Sometimes I think I read too much into
the online chat thing since it is the only form of
communication for us. He won't
talk to me
on the phone. I even got him a
cell
phone because we lost contact on the web and it was
very hard. At first he said it was because he was
too shy, then later said it was because his voice
was still changing but that has been since like 8 months
ago. It almost makes me think he doesn't want to because
he is hiding a different life and the phone would
connect him with me closer and he doesn't want that. Or
maybe it will seem real. I am literally sick all the
time over this. Part of me thinks it's just like most
relationships where you get used to someone and don't
feel like you have to say or
do
the romantic things anymore. But then another part
thinks I am losing him somehow. It seems like lately we
have a lot of
fights
over stupid things that can be prevented. But this
stuff really affects me. I get physically ill when we
are not happy. I have never loved anyone like this
before and I know we need to meet. I'm also afraid of
that too, like what if he doesn't think I am as
pretty like my pics or since I have
had kids
the stretch marks on my stomach might bother him or
things like that. I know I seemed sad when I
signed those final divorce papers but it wasn't
because I wanted the
marriage to end; it was just sad to me. I am a very
sensitive person and it was hard even though every piece
of my heart wants nothing more but to be
divorced
from him and
be
with boyfriend. But I see that it seems Matt gets so
irritated with me easily over little things and it hurts
my feelings. A lot of times he isn't open with me and I
feel like I am talking to myself and it's like he isn't
there. I read into all these things and it makes me feel
like he has a separate life. Thing is I am
jealous of him and after being in the last 12 years
with a
cheater that mentally made me think different. I
know
I need to trust him but with these signs should I or
is it that he has a hard time
expressing his feelings or am I moving too fast or
what. I am so confused. He never has acted like
age is an
issue. He did
tell his
mom about me a few months ago and he said he thinks
she knows I am older and that he thinks she is OK with
it but he has not said anything to her that I have kids
or an ex-husband for that matter. I don't expect him to
say anything either about any of that until he and I
meet and I have a chance to meet them. When he and I
first met before he knew about my situation he made a
comment he didn't care for younger kids but I told him I
wasn't
looking for a dad for my kids but someone for me. I
even find myself putting him in front of my kids for
time and he doesn't even give me the same respect with
his time or his friends. It seems like he puts
everything first. We don't do the things we used to
anymore and it really bothers me."
The more I love him, the farther he
wants to get from me
Obviously without ever meeting him and Matt trying to
avoid her, Kristen is totally rattled. She continues, "
I don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart
and I am faithful to him.
I do get a lot of attention and had said stuff to
him about it and it made him upset so I stopped doing
that. I didn't do it to get attention from him; I was
just trying to be honest but you know in a way it was
like, hey other people show me attention, why don't you.
It's like wouldn't you think he would want to give me
his attention so I feel secure. I have told him of these
feelings and he doesn't say anything. He doesn't share
his life with me and he doesn't speak of his feelings
toward me. In fact I had known his aunt was sick and she
apparently
died a few months ago and he didn't even tell me
about her until much later. I was so hurt and I wanted
to be there for him and he shut me out. But the night he
told me I cried and told him it hurt me that he didn't
tell me and he said he didn't know how to. I said I
loved him and he said he loved me too. It was sweet
actually. But then later I found out he had gone to the
movies also during that time and didn't tell me till
months later. I tell him everywhere I go and he never
tells me anything. He used to
text me all the time, now doesn't and it really
bothers me like he doesn't want to be connected to me
close anymore. But it's kinda on and off, like sometimes
I feel like he is focused on me but most of the time he
seems preoccupied which makes me feel like he is with
someone else. Like maybe he is with someone closer to
his home or age. I am so confused. I love him with all
my heart and I know he is a good person and recently
when I asked him he did say he loved me and he doesn't
generally just throw out things like that. I just wish
he was more open with me on what he is doing and it
would help me feel close. My ex used to hide things from
me that were silly and never shared stuff with me and
that made me feel like he didn't want to be with me and
he was
cheating.
Sharing these things with others."
Does this relationship has any
future?
This is a very difficult time for Kristen because she
does not know what to do. She is going through so many
emotions right now. She says, "I really need Matt now
more than ever and he isn't there for me anymore. I
sometimes think maybe he is frustrated because I am
still married but I have been trying so hard to get this
finalized but it's not easy when dealing with a
uncooperative ex-husband. I really need to know what to
do. I can't prevent my feelings from coming out to him
anymore but sometimes I really feel like I am only here
in his mind when it's convenient for him and when he has
other things going on he really could care less or maybe
he has found someone else. I feel in my heart he loves
me but maybe doesn't know how to express it or maybe he
is afraid I will hurt him."
Apart from the fact that he never talks to her on the
telephone despite being in a relationship for a year, he
also has never shown his face to Kristen. She tells me,
"He asks me for pictures all the time. He has well over
100, maybe more,
pics and
videos of me. But he will take a
pic of him and hide his face and he won't give it to
me and he says he is
teasing me with it. And when we video chat sometimes
he will let me see his hands but never his face. I truly
love this man with all of my heart. I have never felt
like this before, not even with my ex and it really
scares me. Please help shed some light on this to me. I
have too much in my head right now. I don't know what to
think. I do analyze thinks a lot so maybe it's me
overreacting. I would really love to
hear what you think." |
