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Communication
among couples
It
can make or break a relationship
By Pierre
Coda
As
I work with my clients, one thing that I have noticed is
that lack of communication is #1 problem in relationships.
What amazes me is that when I speak to the two
partners separately and then share what I hear with them
during a joint session, both partners are shocked to know
that they knew so little about their partners.
In most cases, there is good news – the partners
just did not know that they were so alike.
In some cases, however, they learn some unpleasant
facts about their partner and then I work with them to
resolve those issues.
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In
order to have better
communication, what one has to
do is to ask and listen.
While this may be difficult for some people
(who like to be heard to, rather than listen), if you
realize how important it is, you will have no
problem in appreciating that you have to do it.
No relationship can succeed if the partners
do not ask the right questions and then listen
carefully. If
needed, ask follow-on questions to make sure that
you understand the context of the answer. Even when
we think we understand, it is so often the case,
that we really have misunderstood. So the one
technique that I prefer is to simply summarize my
understanding and say, "So if I understand it
correctly, what you are saying is...." If
I got it, then naturally I will hear a positive
response; otherwise, the next person has a better
idea of what I have understood and what I have
misunderstood. It is easier to correct the
problem at that point.
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 Remember
that it is not
easy to ask a question in a manner that the other
person does not feel if she or he is being
interrogated or gets defensive.
Certain questions can put people in
embarrassing situations or even motivate them to
lie. Worse, poorly designed questions can even destroy a
relationship. (Related:
How to
improve face to face communication)
Michael
Webb, the well-known speaker and author, has put
together a list of such questions in a book form “1000
Questions for Couples.”
These are questions that all of us should ask
our partners without being confrontational.
When asked with the right tone and language,
most people will not be offended and will give
honest answer. In fact when I ask my clients to
go home and try this, they come back feeling much better
about their relationships.
They might not always like what they heard, but at
least they now know. Human
beings do not like to be kept in the dark.
Many of my clients also mention that one question led
to another and both partners learned a little bit more about
each other. A weekend spent away from home is a
great way to learn more about each other.
My
recommendation for all couples is to start the communication
process with your partner as soon as you think the time is
right. What I want to
emphasize here is that there is sequence that you need to
follow as well. For instance there are certain
questions that you would simply not ask on the first date
but would be foolish not to ask on the third or fourth
date. Ask the right question and get to know the person.
If you know a person, you will have a better
appreciation for her or his behavior.
And that will generally result in healthy, loving
relationships. I also recommend that people who are
pursuing a relationship learn the technique because they can
ask some of these questions before they even commit
themselves to a relationship with that person. That
way they will know that they are compatible with a person on
a whole range of things - not just looks or one or two
common interests.
Recommended articles: Tips
for couple for better relationships
Honesty
in communication among couples
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