Blondes And The Oklahoma Highway Patrol

Our three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Oklahoma Highway Patrol.



The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "You know these are TUFF times, and we mean business around here. So y'all want to be a cop, eh?"



The blondes all nodded.



The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc".



He stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"



The blonde immediately said! "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"



The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"



The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.



The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you?  Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"



"Yes! He only has one ear!"



The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!  Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"



The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.



The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde, Tamara, and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He lashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"



The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."



The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"



Tamara rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Emergency Room Blonde

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to see if I could take my own life," the blonde replied.

"I don't understand!" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said.  "First I put the gun under my chin, and I thought: I just paid $8,000 for my face and neck lift, I'm not shooting myself under my chin."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $4000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise.  So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

How Irish drink beer?

A Texan walks
into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He
says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness
back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's
offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who
left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still
good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the
bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears
into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other
pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives
the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you
go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies,
"Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it
first."

Real 9-11 Calls...

Dispatcher :9-1-1 What is your
emergency?
Caller:
I heard what
sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the
corner.
Dispatcher: Do
you have an
address?
Caller: No, I have on
a blouse and slacks,
why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1
What is your emergency?
Caller
: Someone
broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese
sandwich.
Dispatcher
: Excuse
me?
Caller
: I
made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came
back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of
it.
Dispatcher
: Was
anything else taken?
Caller
: No,
but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of
it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your
emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my
phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher:
This
is nine eleven.
Caller: I
thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes,
ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller:
Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher:
9-1-1
What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller:
My
wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart
Dispatcher:
Is
this her first child?
Caller:
No,
you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller:
Yeah,
I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to
pass out.
Dispatcher:
Sir,
where are you calling from?
Caller:
I'm
at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher:
! Sir,
an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller:
N
o
Dispatcher:
What
were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller:
Running
from the Police.

The Economic Stimulus Payment

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is
money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

"Q. Where
will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.

"Q. So the
government is giving me back my own money?
"A. Only a smidgen.

"Q.
What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the
money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
"A. Shut up."


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by

spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at
Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
 
If you spend it on
gasoline it wi ll go to the Arabs.
 
If you purchase a computer it
will go to India .
 
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will
go to Mexico , Honduras ,
and Guatemala (unless you buy
organic).
 
If you buy a car it will go to Japan
.
If you
purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .
 
And none of it will
help the American economy.
 
We need to keep that money here in
America . You can keep the money in
America by spending it at yard sales,
going to a baseball game, or spend it
on prostitutes, beer (domestic
ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only
businesses still in the
US.

You Gotta Read This!!

1.. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.? Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.' 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.  4. THE GETAWAY!? A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.  5. DID I SAY THAT???? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'  6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'   7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!   8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!? Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Blonde Cookbook

  

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

Roping a deer

Roping a Deer Author unknown - probably for good reason Actual letter from someone who farms, writes well and tried this: I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home. I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal --like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

What is illegal, logical, and legal?

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a
student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you
really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must.
Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would
like to ask you a question.  If you can give me the correct answer, I will
accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you
give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is
the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not
legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard
consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore
changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor
calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately
answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is
legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but
not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he
really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Yes Men film review

"The Yes Men Fix the World" has premiered at Sundance before extremely enthusiastic audiences. The film was directed by the Yes Men, in collaboration with Bowling for Columbine and Fahrenheit 911 editor Kurt

Engfehr, and follows the political prankster group through a number of hilarious impersonations of some of the world's biggest corporations.



The film begins with the Yes Men's famous 2004 impersonation of a Dow Chemical spokesperson on BBC World News, in which they took responsibility for the largest industrial accident in history before 300

million people. It ends with the much-reported distribution of a hundred thousand copies of a fake New York Times - a 'good news' edition announcing, among other things, the end of the Iraq War.



Along the way, the film shows the Yes Men posing as Exxon and Halliburton and presenting shocking and ridiculous solutions to climate change to audiences of oil industry people and others - as well as

appearing alongside the governor of Louisiana and the mayor of New Orleans, and showing how government could do things right.



Besides covering the Yes Men's daring hoaxes, the film investigates and attacks the worship of the free market that has led so many corporations and government agencies to put profits above people. It ends with a rousing call to action, to give Obama the pressure he'll need to do what we've elected him for doing.

The Garbage Truck Theory

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.



My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean he was really friendly. So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'



He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.



Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.



The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so... Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't.



Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!



So I am wishing you a garbage-free day!

Trucker and the blonde waitress joke

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”




The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This trucker out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards.  What good ‘ol boy think… that this place is, an auto parts store?”



“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”



“Oh, OK!” said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.



The trucker asked, “What are the beans for Blondie?”





She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

How Marines help each other?

As I came out of the supermarket that sunny day, pushing my cart of groceries towards my car, I saw an old man with the hood of his car up and a lady sitting inside the car, with the door open.



The old man was looking at the engine. I put my groceries away in my car and continued to watch the old gentleman from about twenty five feet away.



I saw a young man in his early twenties with a grocery bag in his arm, walking towards the old man. The old gentleman saw him coming, too, and took a few steps towards him. I saw the old gentleman point to his open hood and say something.



The young man put his grocery bag into what looked like a brand new Cadillac Escalade and then turn back to the old man and I heard him yell at the old gentleman saying, "You shouldn't even be allowed to drive a car at your age." And then with a wave of his hand, he got in his car and peeled rubber out of the parking lot.



I saw the old gentleman pull out his handkerchief and mop his brow as he went back to his car and again looked at the engine. He then went to his wife and spoke with her and appeared to tell her it would be okay. I had seen enough and I approached the old man. He saw me coming an stood straight and as I got near him I said, "Looks like you're having a problem."



He smiled sheepishly and quietly nodded his head. I looked under the hood myself and knew that whatever the problem was, it was beyond me. Looking around I saw a gas station up the road and told the old man that I would be right back. I drove to the station and went inside and saw three attendants working on cars. I approached one of them and related the problem the old man had with his car and offered to pay them if they could follow me back down and help him.



The old man had pushed the heavy car under the shade of a tree and appeared to be comforting his wife. When he saw us he straightened up and thanked me for my help. As the mechanics diagnosed the problem (overheated engine) I spoke with the old gentleman.



When I shook hands with him earlier he had noticed my Marine Corps ring and had commented about it, telling me that he had been a Marine too. I nodded and asked the usual question,

"What outfit did you serve with?"



He had mentioned that he served with the first Marine Division at Tarawa, Saipan, Iwo Jima and Guadalcanal . He had hit all the big ones and retired from the Corps after the war was over As we talked we heard the car engine come on and saw the mechanics lower the hood. They came over to us as the old man reached for his wallet, but was stopped by me and I told him I would just put the bill on my AAA card.



He still reached for the wallet and handed me a card that I assumed had his name and address on it and I stuck it in my pocket. We all shook hands all round again and I said my goodbye's to his wife.



I then told the two mechanics that I would follow them back up to the station. Once at the station I told them that they had interrupted their own jobs to come along with me and help the old man. I said I wanted to pay for the help, but they refused to charge me. One of them pulled out a card from his pocket looking exactly like the card the old man had given to me. Both of the men told me then, that they were Marine Corps Reserves. Once again we shook hands all around and as I was leaving, one of them told me I should look at the card the old man had given to me.



I said I would and drove off.



For some reason I had gone about two blocks when I pulled over and took the card out of my pocket and looked at it for a long, long time. The name of the old gentleman was on the card in golden leaf and under his name........ "Congressional Medal of Honor Society."



I sat there motionless looking at the card and reading it over and over. I looked up from the card and smiled to no one but myself and marveled that on this day, four Marines had all come together, because one of us needed help. He was an old man all right, but it felt good to have stood next to greatness and courage and an honor to have been in his presence.

Why is the American economy in trouble?

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am.




While his Coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)
was perking, he shaved with his Electric Razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG).





He put on a Dress Shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA),
Designer Jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE) and
Tennis Shoes
(MADE IN KOREA).
 

After cooking his breakfast in his new
Electric Skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his
Calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today.


After setting his
Watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN) to the
Radio
(MADE IN INDIA)
he got in his
Car
(MADE IN GERMANY)
filled it with
Gas
(from Saudi Arabia)
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.  At the end
of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer
(Made In Malaysia),
Joe decided to relax for a while.
He put on his
Sandals

(MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of
Wine
(MADE IN FRANCE)
and turned on his T V (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered, why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

Funniest first date

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!  We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.  Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first

date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.


There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!  She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold...And the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.  It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.  They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.  They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.  Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing

nature of the situation.


Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.  As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.  Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.


Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy mtal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.


As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. ' And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...' This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'  Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Words of wisdom with a sense of humor

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Just Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ..... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8 A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9 My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way!

You cant make this stuff up

The Darwin Awards




It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honour given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.



Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.



This year's winner was a real rocket scientist.... HONEST!




Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY.



And the nominees were:



Semifinalist #1



A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.




Semifinalist #2



Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.



Semifinalist #3



A 22-year-old Reston ,VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,' Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'



Semifinalist #4



A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend -- no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate -- was hospitalized.




Semifinalist #5



Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.  After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.  Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.




Now, the Winner of this year's Darwin Award  (awarded, as always, posthumously):




The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist ... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!



The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.



The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.



The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.



Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.




You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?



AND PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE STILL ALL AROUND US AND THEY BREED & VOTE... SCARY, ISN'T IT?

Illegal immigration in Los Angeles county

1. 40% of all workers in L. A. County ( L. A.  County has 10.2 million people) are working for cash and not paying taxes.   This is because they are predominantly illegal immigrants working without  a green card.

2. 95% of warrants for  murder in Los Angeles are for illegal aliens.

3. 75% of people on the most wanted list in Los  Angeles are illegal aliens.

4. Over  2/3 of all births in Los Angeles County are to illegal alien  Mexicans on Medi-Cal, whose births were paid for by taxpayers.

5.  Nearly 35% of all inmates in California & pre-detention centers are Mexican nationals here illegally

6. Over 300,000 illegal aliens in Los Angeles County are living in garages.

7. The FBI reports half of all gang  members in Los Angeles are most likely illegal aliens from south of the  border

8. Nearly 60% of all occupants  of HUD properties are illegal.

9. 21 radio stations in L. A. are  Spanish speaking.

10. In L. A. County 5.1 million people speak  English, 3.9 million speak Spanish.

(There are 10.2 million people in   L. A. County . )



(All 10 of the above are from the Los  Angeles Times)



Less than 2% of illegal aliens are  picking our crops, but 29% are on welfare.  Over 70% of the United States ' annual population growth (and over 90% of   California , Florida , and New York ) results from immigration. 29% of inmates in federal prisons are illegal  aliens.

How to understand a man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. I will win.



Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.




Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.



Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.



Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.



Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it...though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator...(applies to engineers mainly).



Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, cars, tractors, fishing, sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.



Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.



Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.



Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?



Because I'm a man, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.



This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Many uses of coffee filters

Not just for making Coffee anymore....


1. Cover bowls or dishes when cooking in the microwave. Coffee filters make excellent covers.


2. Clean windows and mirrors. Coffee filters are lint-free so they'll leave windows sparkling.


3. Protect China . Separate your good dishes by putting a coffee filter between each dish.
 

4. Filter broken cork from wine. If you break the cork when opening a wine bottle, filter the wine through a coffee filter.


5. Protect a cast-iron skillet. Place a coffee filter in the skillet to absorb moisture and prevent rust.
 

6. Apply shoe polish. Ball up a lint-free coffee filter..


7. Recycle frying oil. After frying, strain oil through a sieve lined with a coffee filter.


8. Weigh chopped foods. Place chopped ingredients in a coffee filter on a kitchen scale.


9. Hold tacos. Coffee filters make convenient wrappers for messy foods.


10. Stop the soil from leaking out of a plant pot. Line a plant pot with a coffee filter to prevent the soil from going through the drainage holes.
 

11. Prevent a Popsicle from dripping. Poke one or two holes as needed in a coffee filter.


12. Do you think we used expensive strips to wax eyebrows?? Use strips of coffee filters.


13. Put a few in a plate and put your fried bacon, French fries, chicken fingers, etc on them. Soaks out all the grease.


14. Keep in the bathroom.They make Great Razor Nick fixers.

Dieting in the new year

Twas the month after Christmas,

and all through the house,

Nothing would fit me,

not even a blouse.



The cookies I'd nibbled,

the chocolate I'd taste

At the holiday parties

had gone to my waist.



When I got on the scales

there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store

(less a walk than a lumber),



I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."



As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt...

I said to myself, as I only can,

"You can't spend a winter, disguised as a man!"



So, away with the last of the sour cream dip.

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

Till all the additional ounces have vanished.



I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.

I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie.

I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.



I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore...

But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet.

how to be a happy man

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.



2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.



3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.



4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.



5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

Julie Andrews Radio City Music Hall My Favorite Things

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:




(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!



Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things.



Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemak ers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.



When t he pipes leak, When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remembe r my favorite things,

And then I don't feel so bad.



Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.



Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',

And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,

When we remember our favorite things.



When the joints ache, When the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had,

And then I don't feel so bad.

> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> >

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd

that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please

share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who

would appreciate it

Top ten thoughts for 2009

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6

Some people are like a Slinky...Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2009:

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in  America  but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.  Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?

Why dogs are better than humans?

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 
-Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.(It won't live long licking my face!!)
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate.
-Anonymous

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

I am leaving an abusive man

Vanessa wrote to me, "I am in the process of gathering the strength to leave an abusive
man whom I love very much. I truly appreciated the words of
encouragement. I do deserve to be happy. I do deserve to finish my LAST
semester of college. Thank you!"

Well thank you for taking the time to write to me.  I am always thrilled beyond belief that what I write can make a difference.

If you need any additional help, I am just an email away.

no breast tissue at all

Justine writes, "I have very small breasts for my age, almost not big enough for the
smallest cup size. Is there anyway I can make them larger and fuller be
it exercise, food, etc without plastic surgery?"


I know exactly what you are talking about.  The best thing to do is to try to gain some weight (I am assuming that you are very skinny) and you will see some breast tissue developing.  There is no other solution except for breast augmentation and I hope you will not waste your time and money on pills and creams.

what to do about droopy breasts?

Nadine writes, "I'm not fat, but I don't like my breasts. My husband doesn't complain, and he is happy what I have, but they are sagging. I don't like to have plastic surgery. How can I make them smaller. I come from a family of small breasts. I don't know why mine is different. I like small breasts. Please tell me how can I make my breast small without surgery. Is there any pill that can take?"


I wish I could tell you about a magic pill that would do what you want.  Sagging is very common after a certain age, and particularly after pregnancy and childbirth.  While getting to a weight that suits your height is helpful as is diet, exercise, and massage, there is nothing much that a woman can do.  No pills, no lotions, no patches.  And something that does work is a breast lift, which I know you can't have.  In other words, if your husband is fine with it, just relax and enjoy your life.

And I Love You

‘…And
I love you’

My
Karen, My Mercedes, My heart

written
by Rodney Washington

[email protected]

©
Copyrighted 2008

‘…And I love you’

My
Karen, My Mercedes, My heart

written
by Rodney Washington

Chapters:

1. Just
   the thought of you (pg. 4)

   
   

2. Don’t
   cry over me (pg. 14)

   
   

3. Character
   Reference (pg. 22)

   
   

4. A
   mystery to me (pg. 32)

   
   

5. Can
   you smell my scent (pg. 39)

   
   

6. Trial
   and Error (pg. 46)

   
   

7. Before
   you go (pg. 56)

   
   

8. The
   wedding is at seven (pg. 64)

   
   

9. Home
   is where the heart is (pg. 75)

   
   

*Also
inside is a bonus treat that has the whole internet world raving.
(pg. 92)

[email protected]>Rodney Washington

Foreword

I used to hate to hear about love. It got on my nerves and to
tell the truth it still does at times. We make it more complicated
than it has to be. To me, it’s not that serious. I look at it
and most things in the form of mathematics; what adds up and what
doesn’t. The story that people tell sometimes has holes in it.
Is what they are saying logical? Is it adding up to equal what it
should? Mathematics has saved me a many a heartache. The quotient of
love that I live by is simple. It goes like this. They have to like
the sum of you, all parts. Not any of that halfway stuff. Then they
have to be compatible. The divorce rate is high, high, high. Think
real hard on the number of the relationships, especially marriages,
that you know that have lasted. It is some hard stuff and that’s
putting it kindly. So it is imperative to lighten that load by being
with someone who likes what you like. They want what you want. Listen
real closely when you meet someone, not to what you hear, but what is
between the lines. If they are fake you will feel an uneasy rhythm
that most ignore. You have to know that taking losses with love
happens, but that doesn’t mean that it is acceptable. Take a
read with me and you will see what I mean.

I know all about losses. I’ve walked away from love and
paid the price. It was a high price as you as you will see. It led me
down a long dark road full of curves, caution signs and danger. I
wasn’t prepared for the wreckage that lie before me. In the
end, I drug my battered and bruised body, my torn emotions and my
worn out soul and fell into the arms of love again. It was waiting to
heal me, to hold me and to save me. Karen and Mercedes came along
for the ride. Let me tell you about this love thing. Read. Read. Just
Read. When you finish I want us to drink a toast and be blessed
together. We are going to take the world and show them that there is
a new way to live; a new way to think; a new way to love. Tell the
person next to you, ‘ shhhhh, I’ve got some reading to
do. It’s just getting good.’

Chapter
One

Just
the thought of you

I woke up and as
my eyes rolled open I could feel my mind being turned on as if
someone had hit the power button on a computer system. I just lied
there staring at the ceiling. My thoughts empty as I realized that I
had woken up another day alone. Even if I were to have a thought,
whom would I tell? There was no one there to listen. Then I realize
that I have to work today; whatever. I could see her picture out of
the corner of my eye. It was almost as if she watches over me at
night. Her name was Karen, my ex. Sometimes I feel as if I will never
get over her. She’s that demon in the closet and yet an angel
on my shoulder. We had a slight falling out, a disagreement of sorts.
I don’t even remember what it was about just to show how petty
stuff can ruin a good thing. I will never forget the day she packed
her things and was moving out. I wanted to try to stop her, but my
male pride wouldn’t let me concede my heartache. So I watched
her walk out of the door and out of my life. I peeked through the
curtain as she drove off. I asked myself if it was worth it. No it
was not. I just didn’t know that at the time. I’m a man,
I tell myself. I can’t back out. She would never respect me
again. I may have been wrong when I came to that conclusion. Wrong or
right, however, she was gone.

I remember her
kiss and the way she used to smell. It was the smell of springtime in
the winter. Our union was filled with warm arms and warm smiles. Yet
we had our moments. The thing that drove us down the road of
destruction was promise. The promise anyone makes when they commit.
It is the vow to never allow those thoughts of feeling like you are
being tied down. The feeling that gets most men in trouble. I didn’t
see it coming. It started out slow and before I knew it I was
engulfed in thoughts of what I may be missing. I always had it in the
back of my mind that I’m not free to do what I want, when I
want and some would say whom I want. The truth is Karen was enough as
far as that went, but my attitude reflected differently. Many people
would say ‘been there, done that’ having been on one or
the other end of the spectrum. The entire relationship thing was new
to me however. And I showed my rookie status by promptly blowing it.
The feeling was consuming me and my charms went flat. She didn’t
feel my loving coming through any longer, yet she loved me just the
same. So she hung in there and hung in there until she could no
longer bare the absence of joy. She then made the crucial decision.
She decided to leave me. One thing I do know is that you can’t
help how you feel. Maybe if I would have fought harder I could have
kept us together. I just felt I needed to find out if I was getting
in over my head by committing. I never stopped to think that I was
getting in over my head by not.

It was not long
before all of the men went after her for me. They saw what I missed
and clung on to the hopes of making her theirs. I made it convenient
for them by being labeled an ex. Maybe I figured she would wait, but
why? Wait on what? I had shown her love and then promptly showed her
the door. She began dating and I lied on the living room couch and
became a remote control king. I knew the television listings by
heart. I missed her and yet I would never admit it. Once I
reluctantly let my friends talk me into going to the club one
Saturday night. I was sort of hoping to break my slump. I didn’t
think I could have an interest in someone else. My friends and I had
a few drinks and then we separated. The place was lively. There were
people everywhere and the setting was perfect for meeting lovely
ladies. What a woman looks like in the church or at work is one
thing. But the way they looked at the club was an entirely different
beast. Goodness!!

When I was a
teenager, I developed a walk. I was getting tall and popular from
being in a local dance group. Dancing was king over singing where we
lived. I had worked on my walk for a while. I stole part of it off of
this movie that I loved called The American Gigolo. I used to feel
awkward walking into a room. I felt like all eyes were on tall me. I
see the pro basketball players today and realize what tall really is.
The way I entered a room was going to command attention. I wanted to
change that awkwardness into undying interest. I got it down to a
science. It was designed to put a runway model’s walk to shame.
That’s in a male sense, of course. If all eyes weren’t on
me as in my leery thoughts, they would be now. With my tall strides,
you had to look. So I went out of my way to make it look good. It’s
funny to me now, but with every step I was thinking ‘gigolo’.
I walked the part and I dressed the part. That was then, this is now.
The club was filled with variety. Ladies were dressed in jeans,
dresses, mini-skirts and short shorts. Even the local reverend would
have lost his soul on this night. I had to collect my thoughts. I was
feeling awkward again. It has been a while since I did this. So I
took a deep breath and launched the walk. I wanted to make my
presence known without saying a word. I started at the back of the
club and worked my way through. I was careful not to look anyone in
the eye as I passed by. Then I would locate me a corner in the dark,
walk to it and then slowly turn around. I was looking for eyes. I was
looking to see if I had caught the attention of any eyes of any
pretty ladies. I did see a couple or three looking pretty hard. One
woman’s attention meant a whole table’s attention,
because women talk. Here I am sounding like I know women. I don’t
know my head from a hole in the ground, yet I want to think that I
know the most complicated being on earth, a woman. As the Italians
would say, forget about it. I used the dark corner to sneak a peek
and chose those of my type out of the multitude. I wasn’t
trying to win a contest for the most women met or anything and
definitely not trying to impress. I just felt that I needed a strong
force to take me out of my downed spirits. You ever had that feeling?
I never appeared to be anxious when I approached a woman. I give
women that ‘what do you have to lose’ attitude. It was no
illusion with me. What did they have to lose? I really meant it.

I asked this first
lovely to dance on my first approach and she obliged. She had some
moves. She wore short shorts, had a gap in her legs and lips of sin,
luscious. And as fine as she was there was finer. Should I hold out
for the bigger prize? After all, I just lost my soul mate on a desire
to be greedy. Then I answered my own question. Yes, I was going for
more. I had nothing to lose now. She and I danced about three of four
songs and then I told her that we would pick it up again later. In
the recesses of my mind, I knew that I had hopes of entertaining
others. Again I didn’t want to appear anxious, so I retreated
back to my dark corner and perused the room. Out of every table’s
attention that I got I wanted to choose the one I thought to be the
finest. She may not be the finest to the next man, but the finest to
me. I believed I saw her over there in the skirt. I don’t know
what they put in the food here, but she got every neutron and fiber
out of every meal she ate. Her skin was pure and perfect. I didn’t
feel the need to go any further. There was no time to waste. I felt
good right then. It’s hard to approach a woman with a table
full of her friends there. They are listening to every word,
analyzing your walk, talk, style and flavor. You hope that in the end
your impression left them wanting you for themselves or that’s
the lie you tell. They would only have good words to say about you
then.

Her name was
Mercedes. What a coincidence, I drove one. She didn’t need to
know that though. I could barely afford the payments. I was here
though and she was here. That’s all that matters right now. We
bonded immediately. I just walked up and introduced myself. I asked
her to reserve a dance for me later, but for now I wanted to know
anything and everything about her. I grabbed a seat and we chatted it
up. I noticed that a couple of her friends were not dancing and asked
them why they weren’t on the floor. They responded that they
had not been asked. I informed them both that if they hear a song
they wanted to dance to they could utilize me. In fact, I got the
ball rolling by bringing over my friends. The dance floor was fuller
then. Mercedes and I danced until we got tired then I left her for a
moment to let her conversate with her friends. I gave her my phone
number on a napkin and left. Mission accomplished I hoped.

I got home and
was all smiles. I have been here before though. My hopes are not too
high. I was smiling because I was talking and dancing with a star. I
would dream good tonight. As I drifted off to a sound sleep, I could
hear a loud ring sending shock waves to my eardrums. I thought the
phone was ringing in my dream state. Instinctively, my arms swung out
and I grabbed the telephone and said hello. Instead of being a groggy
man holding a phone with a dial tone, there was someone on the other
end. It was Karen. She was distraught. It turns out she was in the
club this night. She saw everything. It turns out that she had a dark
corner of her own. I was dazed, but her tears came through the phone
and awakened me. That was still my love. I guess in the end I still
cared about her well being. I don’t know if I looked good to
her or if she became overwrought with jealousy watching the
responsive nature of the women I courted. In any case, she wanted
redemption. I was the one whom needed it. I was to blame for our
breakup. So I began to explain my failures. I never claimed to be a
good speaker; that I am surely not. I do know my heart and it’s
in touch with my conscience. She grasped every word and it gave her
relief. That was the kind of woman she was though. She was soft
spoken and genuine. More importantly, she knew me. She knew that I
would be honest with her. She and I talked for a while. For a moment
it was like the old days. I actually started to believe that we might
just forget about this whole breakup thing, but we were not ready for
that. One scene in a nightclub doesn’t undo the stress of a
failed relationship. It takes time. Shortly after we hung up, I
received a text message from Mercedes. She had finally gotten home
after being dropped off by her friends. I knew then that she was for
real. Her mission was to check on me and make sure I had gotten home
safely. I returned the gesture. I just kept repeating that name in my
head. I guess the conversation with Karen made me realize that I had
made a mistake, but that’s over now. She and I were going to be
friends. Now it was time to make a new friend. A delicious friend.
And her name was Mercedes. The next day I was in a jovial mood. I had
to look that word up. I was off today and today I was going to get
this home of mine clean. I had on every light, opened up every shade
and turned on the radio. It was time to catch up on some news and the
latest tunes. I think I even may invite Mercedes over for a little
while later. I started in the living room then glided through the
house. I got the dishes to soaking while I conquered the bedroom.
Today was going to be my day. Perhaps I would get to that car of mine
next. It needed some overtime. I had a moment of thought about Karen.
I wondered how she was doing. So I sent her a text message asking.
She appeared to be doing well. She thanked me for my concern. There
was no time to look back today, only forward.

Mercedes surprised
me and agreed to come over. I cooked a good meal, sprayed some
fragrance and set the table for effect. The way I dressed was going
to have to be tight and fit my mood. I laid out about four sets of
clothes and tried them all on. I eventually chose a winner. When she
walked in she looked stunningly beautiful. She knew how to make an
entrance. The lighting in the club didn’t do her justice. She
liked my little setup and asked if I was attempting to seduce her. Of
course that was my intention. If it were up to me I would seduce her
over and over again. We had just gotten to dinner and the doorbell
rang. When I gained focus through the peephole, I was puzzled as to
who it was. To my amazement it was Karen. Now what was I going to do?
I hadn’t had the chance to tell Mercedes about Karen. I had no
choice so I opened the door. The first thing she did was to give me a
hug. It was a hug like never before. She acted as if she really did
miss me. I underestimate love sometimes. Her intent was to surprise
me and that she did. I casually got between her and the door and
conveniently closed the door behind me pulling her outside with me.
She immediately suspected something. I said that I wouldn’t lie
to her and I didn’t. Her feelings were fragile now. I tried to
be subtle. However, true to form, Karen stopped me in mid sentence
and told me that I didn’t have to explain. She said that she
just took a chance. I asked if we could talk later. Her lips said
yes, but the look on her face said we should be together. I’m
on my first real date in some time and that’s the thought she
leaves me with.

I walked in,
closed the door and turned to Mercedes. I told as much as one could
on a first date. I failed to recognize that people want someone that
others want. It became an aphrodisiac for the night. I honestly
believe there are times when making love on the first date has a lot
of elements to it. Each element determines if the two parties are
just loose individuals or if they are victims of the moment. I’d
like to think that we were victims of a back and a foot massage. I
gave that to her after we ate. We watched a movie on television and
fell asleep. I woke up to find her in my arms. She looked just as
good asleep as she did awake, so I extended a kiss to her cheek. Then
I kissed her lips and she woke up and it was fireworks. If I could
make love to a goddess, I couldn’t testify if it would have
exceeded the experience that I had with her. When we woke up the next
morning, Mercedes was running late for work. She had to get home, get
dressed and make her way there. I was a bit late myself. The whole
day I sat there ruffling through insurance claims that I was supposed
to be processing. This is the turning point. Am I in a relationship
now? Do I just have a friendly lover? What can I expect from her and
what can she expect from me? I guess in the end I’m kidding
myself. I was just in a good relationship and destroyed it through
insecurities. I had not had time to recover or learn from my
mistakes. Yes, this was the turning point. As I sat there thinking
about my stint with Mercedes, I should have known that Karen wasn’t
finished with me yet. The one thing she said that resonated with me
was that she felt like I was a good person at heart. She said I
always had good intentions with all that I did and that should count
for something. I got to my car after work and there was a note on my
windshield from her. The note read, ‘coffee, tea or me? you
decide’. How lucky can I be? What was I going to have to do to
pay God back for these blessings? I needed to deal with my situation
with Karen once and for all. I felt I owed it to all that we had been
through together to at least entertain the thought of strengthening
our bond. Yet I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my connection with
Mercedes for it. She threw out the lifeline and wanted to see if
there was something worth saving. I had appeared to have moved on,
but if Mercedes had a clue as to what was taking place behind the
scenes I’m sure she would say I hadn’t.

I called Mercedes
first. It sort of felt like I was checking in. I liked the feeling.
She led me to believe that last night was no fluke and she would like
more nights like it. We talked for some time. She left me smiling as
we hung up the phone. One thing I did discuss with her was my
intention to meet with Karen face to face and finalize things with
her. She was very understanding and appreciative that I had been
honest with her. Does that mean an honest man can’t get
confused and make mistakes? I would think that they make the most
mistakes of us all. Being honest you open up doors for people to take
advantage of you and that is one of the biggest mistakes of them all.
They are constantly getting hurt by other people’s actions and
attitudes. It would almost be easier to be a liar it seems. Perhaps
they feel that then they can control the hurt as everyone has the
fear of getting hurt. Whatever the reason, those are mistakes that
you pay for over and over again. The trust in you feels like it is
shredded like paper, but you just don’t want to change that one
aspect of yourself that you feel is true. You want to continue to be
a good person. If you give that up then you feel you will have
nothing. It is a cold world out there and the honest pay the highest
price, believe that.

Next it was time
to call Karen. Who knew what to expect? I made arrangements for us to
meet at the coffee house downtown. That girl loved her coffee and
tea. Downtown had its challenges crime wise. The purse snatchers and
muggers had been out in force the last few months. I chose there
because the scenery is nice at night. It was made for two people with
a romantic history and she and I had that. Look at me. What is the
romantic stuff about? I’m supposed to be working to end things
finally, yet I’m playing the role of a full fledged boyfriend.
I was so confused. We met up and she gave me another tight hug as if
she missed me. This time she threw in a passionate kiss. I had
forgotten all about those kisses. Then I got a whiff of her scent and
the memories began flowing. She really only had one request. She
simply wanted to make love to me. She said it would either gain us
closure or let us know if we were meant to be together. I felt her
dilemma and we went back to my place. I swore I wouldn’t do it.
I felt I could be strong. My intention was to let her come over and
we spend some time together, talk things out and leave with a
permanent understanding. In all seriousness I didn’t intend to
make love despite my desire to do so. I’m on to the new. But
then she kissed me and then she kissed me again and again. I felt
weak and I felt our love. I could not fight the passion any longer. I
invested all of my love, all of my desires to be forgiven and my joy
of being loved into one huge physical experience.

We felt like one
again. When it was over I felt forgiven. Karen felt renewed because
she told me so. She wanted us back together. I told her about
Mercedes and she didn’t care. She said that I was her man. I
didn’t know what to say or to do. Karen looked so happy, how
could I hurt her again? I guess you could say I punked out. I may
have left her with the impression that we were getting back together.
I just needed some time to think things through. I told her as much,
but I don’t think she was listening. She got dressed and kissed
me happily with that smile and headed out the door. It was the same
door that she left out of with her things a while back. My first
thought was to call Mercedes immediately. She should be getting up
for the day right about now. An early good morning was in order. It
sort of sounds like guilt however I wasn’t thinking that way.
She had told me the day before that she was going to spend the night
at her mother’s to take care of her. That was how I became free
for the night in the first place. I arranged to have lunch with her.
I went to her job and picked her up. She looked good as usual. How
she was single was a mystery to me. We went to the café around
the corner from her job. I wanted to have as much time as I could
with discussing this matter with my ex. She looked pretty relaxed,
yet I was sweating bullets of nervousness. Even though we were not
officially dating, I felt like we were. I began the conversation with
Karen leaving the note. I explained my intentions to get things
settled to open up the door for us. That part of the conversation
pleased her. However, I had to go on and explain the impression that
she left my home with. I didn’t mention the sex and she didn’t
ask. Just as we get into the meat of the talk, I saw the noon news
playing in the background. There was a bad wreck on the interstate. I
wouldn’t have paid it no mind except I thought I saw a familiar
face flash across the screen. They went on to describe the accident
as being so bad that it shut the roads down. Then they showed the
pictures of the lone victim. That was when I saw it. It was a
familiar face. It was Karen. I immediately broke down. Mercedes
turned around and saw the picture too. She only knew the first name
and when she saw the name Karen she knew. She pulled me into her arms
and sympathized. This time Karen was gone forever.

I remember when I
first met her. She was a magnificent woman that I met in the library.
I used to go and use their internet system and make copies of things.
I knew that she wouldn’t speak to me. Women take their library
thing seriously. They are in search mode and they don’t have
time for what we are slinging. It turned out that I was in her seat.
So as fate would have it, she had to come to me. I think I just
became happy. I will have to see where that gets me, I was thinking
to myself. It got me further than I could have imagined. I wonder if
she asked herself where I was during all of this. I wish I could have
been there for her. I am so hurt that she is gone. Sometimes I think
good people should get a pass. Maybe let them die of old age or
something. I guess everyone has a destiny to fulfill. I guess death
is included in that destiny sometimes. Society will suffer the real
loss. The world gets a little weaker when we lose a good citizen. A
crack is placed in the concrete and global warming goes up another
half of a degree. Maybe that’s why the earth is so warm. We are
losing far too many. Every time you feel a cool breeze it is them
saying that they still have our backs.

That girl actually
was what she appeared to be. She looked like a sexy librarian. You
know that kind that looks like someone’s wife with a sense of
class. You just want them just because. When you get her it feels
like you are getting away with something. You feel like you are
stealing a cookie out of the cookie jar when your mother told you not
to. And like the good woman she is, she senses it and says, “It’s
ok, you deserve something good too. Don’t underestimate
yourself”. The next thing you know you are running around like
Bill Clinton or something. You are feeling the spirit. She told you
that you could do it and you believed it. A woman like that makes you
not want to get beside yourself because men are talking. They are
talking about how they want a good woman. They want a woman like her.
If she knew that I felt that way all of time, then I would not be
able to face her for being so shy inside. I act like I am a man of
strength in her presence, but I thought she was too good for me and
sooner or later I would lose. Get that. I felt like I had lost the
game and the game hadn’t even started yet. Weird, but it was
true. I remember one time when we passed the park. I guess I am still
a kid. I try to change, but it is a long time coming so far. I wanted
to get on the swing set while no cars were around. I missed some of
that in my childhood. Now I am not ashamed to do kid things, yet I
still didn’t want to be seen.

Kids saw me
anyway. They were hiding in that tunnel shaped item they have on
playgrounds. Before I knew it, she and the kids would have me playing
kid games. This is why I didn’t want to be seen. I had to give
back rides, which is why I think they made me captain. I had them run
what I called missions. They loved it. I came up with it with my
neighbor’s kid. He wouldn’t leave my yard unless I played
mission with him. They had to remember about three or four things
that I would give them to do while running them in order and do it
without forgetting them. I had one run three times around the monkey
bars and twice under the slide and then two turns on the
merry-go-round and reverse it all and back to me quickly. The entire
time I would be shouting, “Go!!, go!!, go!!”. The other
kids would see it and watch. Then I would be knee deep in children
waiting to see if they could carry out a mission of their own. Now I
remember why I kept trying to stop playing. They wore me down.
Perhaps one day one of them will grow up to be a sportsman or
something. Who knows? But I am glad that I got that experience. I
used to think that I didn’t ever want to see another child in
my life. No way did I mean that. I was just being a little sarcastic.
Karen and I at least have been getting in some practice as we had
hoped to have our own someday. At the time I was thinking that I want
to have kids with this woman. We just weren’t that lucky
though, huh?

Chapter
Two

Don’t
Cry Over Me

I paid the bill for lunch and took Mercedes back to work. I knew she
would worry about me, even though I begged her not to. In this short
period of time she cared deeply. From there I drove to the scene of
the accident. It was all a big mess. I made my way through the crowd
of onlookers. In the distance you could see her car looking as if
someone had taken a sledgehammer to it. I saw an ambulance with a
stretcher nearby and on that stretcher was a woman lying partially
covered. I could see the shirt and it was the shirt she was wearing
this morning. Who knows how long she had been out there. It appeared
to be a hit and run. How could they leave her out there like that? I
made my way to the gurney and was stopped by one of the policemen. He
asked me who I was. I stated that I was her boyfriend. In her death I
had to claim her whole heartedly. They asked me if I would identify
the body. Of course I agreed. He walked me slowly to her side, raised
the curtain and my horror was realized. Even in her death she was
lovely. Once she was my better half, now she is a memory and a
permanent stain on my heart. Yet I will remember that I was the last
man she ever loved.

I had to call her mother. Her parents lived out of state. I informed
the officer that I would make the call. My hands shook as I searched
for the number on my cell. As the phone rang I wondered what I would
say. Her mother answered and I was all choke up and the tears started
to flow. She asked me what was wrong. I told her that there had been
an accident. “Karen’s dead!!” I said angrily. I
remember hearing the phone drop and the receiver just screamed from
the sound of her cries. Then her father picked up the phone. He was
in a highly panicked state. All he wanted to know was detail after
detail. It was information I could not give. Therefore, I put the
officer at the scene on the phone. By the time he gave the phone back
her parents were distraught. I assured them that I would take care of
things until they arrived. My life is filled with confusion right
now. I’m dying inside. I keep seeing the visions. I keep seeing
her lying there lifeless, thinking of all that she must have endured
in her final moments. She did not deserve it. I have to remind myself
that God has her now and that the ‘better place’ theory
is in play. Remind myself that if she was not an angel for anyone
else, she was an angel for me.

I retreated within myself and had no desire to be around anyone.
Mercedes wouldn’t let me fall apart though. She stayed with me
as often as she could. As I promised, I began to make arrangements
for Karen’s burial. Her parents were in town and still
operating daily in disbelief. Her family had the means to provide her
ceremony with the best. Mercedes chipped in where she could. She
arranged for the flower arrangements through a contact of hers. All
of this for a person she did not know. What was that saying about
her? Unfortunately, I wasn’t thinking about relationships or
romance at the time. We got the date set and we picked out a nice set
of clothes for her. She would have been proud of the effort put
forth. I was a little fatigued from all of the activity taking place,
so I decided to take some time off from work and get some rest. I
never underestimate the importance of sleep. I don’t get much
of it, but I respect its power. My eyes shut and like a breeze in the
night she came. It was a modern day ghost. It was Karen. She was a
figure in the shadows standing before my bed. She spoke and her voice
carried. “Don’t forget me,” she said. “The
answer to the question that you will soon be asking yourself is going
to take some work to figure out. Be ready.” Be ready, what did
that mean? She went on as if she was on auto pilot, not acknowledging
any questions that I had. “I tried to give you the best part of
me, but it didn’t work out. But don’t forget me. Just
please don’t forget me.” Then she evaporated into the
darkness leaving me to question my sanity. It was her. She had come
to me as if she needed to tell me something. I had listened intently.
I just wasn’t sure if I would be able to put the pieces
together.

I had a plan to get rest on this Saturday. I didn’t bother to
get dressed. I told myself that I was not leaving the house no matter
what. Just then I got a phone call. Once again my life would prove to
be unpredictable. It was the coroner’s office. They asked if I
had time to come down for a visit. The caller also wanted me to bring
Karen’s parents. It sounded important. Obviously the questions
started to fly. As usual, since this thing began, I didn’t have
an answer. We arrived at the coroner’s office and were all
highly anxious. The chief coroner came in himself, which illustrated
a high level of importance. Now I was concerned even more. Important,
intense, unexpected, it was all of that. The coroner told us that
Karen was pregnant. I was in awe. That explains why she was so
aggressive in getting back together. It all made sense now. She
didn’t flinch when I told her about Mercedes. No woman wants
another woman claiming her territory. They are usually flattered, but
not at all pleased. The picture was becoming clearer and clearer. So
I summed it all up in my mind. I lost a friend, a girlfriend,
depending on who you ask, and a child. Her parents grabbed a hold of
me, hugged me and just cried uncontrollably. They lost a child and a
grandchild. Our bond was strengthened forever.

The day of the funeral, I struggled to get my tie tied, my car
running and my emotions in check. Once again Mercedes was there to
pick up the pieces. She kept me strong. She helped get me dressed and
told me that I needed to be strong for her parents. They depended on
me more than I knew. We met at my place and said a prayer led by her
father. He had a lot to say to God and Jesus; our Father and Savior.
We ushered in all of the guests that would fit in and made
comfortable those that couldn’t. I had an outside deck in the
back that held the overflow of those who loved Karen. There were some
whom I didn’t know which told me that she touched many. I knew
she was dynamic and they must have known it too. They were lined up
to testify in eulogy on her behalf. I’m sure they all could
glorify her in various ways. Yet this was a day of closure. I was
only kidding myself. The truth is that I was about to break any
moment. So I found a closet, went inside, closed the door and just
cried and cried. How long could I purify my dirty waters? My face was
wet, my eyes were red and my heart was aching. Then I heard a knock
at the door. It was Mercedes. How could I have a gem and not be able
to fully appreciate it? She didn’t pull me out or talk me into
a calm state. She walked in with me and told me to let it out. She
kept repeating let it out and I did just that. I left a gallon of
tears on her shoulder and she didn’t complain. Even in being my
rock she did it looking like a fully bred stallion, galloping to save
the day.

The funeral lasted a lifetime. Everybody wanted to tell their Karen
story. I used to hate funerals like that, but now I understand. When
a person touches that many lives, they have a lot to say. No one can
ever accuse me of being a hater. The story that resonated for me was
when her mother told of how Karen had a thing for strays. She would
always look out for the lost and lonely. Stray dogs, stray cats,
stray people, she took good care of them all when she could. Once or
twice a week she volunteered at the local shelter. I used to worry
about her there due to her attractiveness. She convinced me that if I
were that concerned I would join her. So I did. What was I going to
do when she looked at me with those eyes? Now when I see some of them
on the streets they wave at me. She did that. It is time for closure
now. It is time to accept that we are now obligated to the living. I
said just that during the eulogy that I gave. I don’t know
where my words flowed from, but the river was filled with knowledge.
I stated that God’s purpose now and our purpose were the same.
God wanted us to pay Karen back. If we really honored her memory and
what she gave then we owed it to her and to ourselves to go on. More
importantly, out of honor for her, we owed it to her to not only live
the rest of our lives for her, but to take our lives, every life in
the room, to another level. It was imperative that we take it to a
higher level. In death we get caught up in our pain and our
struggles. Yet the true mission should be to live our lives for the
ones that no longer live. People get confused and turn within
themselves with grief. That is not what a person whom passes away
would want. They would request if not demand that we abandon the long
term grief and concentrate on the ways to live for them. They would
want those left behind to take their death as a form of them
breathing new life into us. I had two lives to live for. They only
had one. The words of encouragement just flowed and they took in
every syllable. A bad situation could now be turned into a mass
blessing. That is what Karen would want. I encouraged them to get
their tears out now and once they leave the church and after they
drive away from the burial site, feel renewed.

Now we laugh. All of the guests came to my home and they were in
rare form. The mood was festive. Some of them laughed until they
cried. The children played outside and the adults had great
conversation. I had to reach down deep and appear to follow my own
instructions to live. So I mingled a little, throwing compliments
here and there. I guess when it comes down to it society appreciates
good people. The aftermath of a funeral is just like one big potluck.
Everyone brings food to add to the meal already in place. It is
tradition and honor. The tradition of getting together and the honor
of providing your best dish. I have heard people crash gatherings of
that nature just for the meals. Hard to believe isn’t it? One
of the guests brought out one of his party cds. The minute I put it
on everyone put together a little dance floor. My uncle Charles took
center stage. I can’t really say what the moves he was doing
was called, but it was wild and strange. I didn’t know a person
could physically bend their body like that. Who cares though, that’s
Uncle Charles. He got everyone on the floor and they started to have
fun in a major way. Then the alcohol came into play. I had a beer
myself as well. Lively music and a mixture of alcohol and it is no
longer a get together, but an all out bash. The suit coats and the
shawls came off. The kids left the playground and had to join in. It
was contagious.

I looked to see there were a group of women heading to the bathroom.
I figured that’s just a woman’s way. They get refreshed
together and talk, so I’ve heard. It was something different
about this though. They were being led by Gina. She is bad news for
so many reasons. There were no male strippers around so sex was not
the threat. She wasn’t holding a Mary Kay kit so a makeup
demonstration didn’t seem to be the intention. I could only
think the worst, drugs. It was my home, yet I didn’t want to
tarnish the moment by creating upheaval. The problem I had most with
what I suspected was that Mercedes was in there. I knew she wasn’t
of drug mind, but I know she likes to do what the girls did in the
spirit of fun. These were not the type of girls I know that she is
used to hanging with. I had good reason for pause. They were in there
for about fifteen minutes or so. I was surprised that a line hadn’t
grown outside the door. Everyone was just having too much fun. I
considered that a good thing. I went on to have a nice time myself,
but I couldn’t help but notice when they all flooded back into
the crowd. They were more hyper. They took over the festivities with
their newfound liveliness. Now I suspect I was right. Gina, Gina,
Gina, she has her ways. Now her imprint was all over this gathering.

I didn’t see Mercedes come out, so I assumed she was still in
there. I made my way to the bathroom and the door was left ajar. She
was in there alright. She was throwing up some and was kneeling down
on the floor. I walked in and immediately closed the door. I pulled
her up and pulled her into my arms. I told her that it would be
alright. She had just gotten in over her head. I knew these were not
the type of women she was used to. They could handle anything Gina
could bring up and more on a daily basis. Mercedes could not. She
said it was cocaine, the mother of all drugs. Regardless of how you
used cocaine, it was powerful. I don’t think no drug has done
the damage that cocaine has in the long run. It was that drug that
opened up the door for meth. I needed to get her out of there without
anyone seeing. Barely peeking out, I cracked open the door. I didn’t
see anyone but a few kids. If I were going to get her out, now would
be the time. With her arm over my shoulder I walked her limp body to
my bedroom and put her in bed. She was asleep before her head hit the
pillow. I listened to her heart to make sure it was still beating and
I could here her pulse racing. She had a lot of sleep to get in order
to get over this. I went and found Gina and pulled her to the side. I
asked her to leave. She didn’t like my approach, but she didn’t
argue. She left.

She
left me with a shell of a woman for the moment.

Once the people left, I checked in on her. I worry about a woman
that is in a vulnerable state. This woman has a protector in me
though. She was moaning in her sleep, but I didn’t wake her.
For all I knew that would have made it worse. I thank my stars
everyday that I didn’t get caught up in all of the drugs. I can
imagine how hard it is to overcome such a hurdle. Well she is not
going to have to overcome it alone. I will sit here waiting for her
to recover and when she does, I’ll let her know that it is ok.
It was a one time slip. I could have made the same slip and only God
can judge you. I went into the bedroom and got into bed with her.
Then we slept the rest of the night as I held her. I woke up the next
morning and fixed her breakfast. I asked Mercedes if she wanted to
talk about it. She said not if she didn’t have to. Enough said.
I let it go. My little cooking skills brought her to life. We spent
the entire day together and then she went back to her mother’s
for the night. That led me to call my own mother. She was happy to
hear from me. We had been estranged for some time due to her own drug
addiction. It was the first time we had talked so openly about our
deteriorated relationship. My father had kept the faith. They were
separated for a lengthy period of time before getting back together.
He and I were close. She knew of Karen, but didn’t know her
personally. I told her the latest update and she apologized for not
being there for me. I understood though. She didn’t owe me
anything. I made the choice to leave her, not vice versa. We decided
to begin to repair our relationship and keep in touch more often. So
everything can have a silver lining. Well most things. Some things
are just bad in every way. There’s no silver lining in that.

Grasp if you
will the concept of a family torn apart and one rebuilt. The love can
be stronger in some ways. You have come through struggles together
and formed bonds together. Just when you have called it quits on each
other, you come up with a solution to bring the madness to a
screeching halt. You realize that you are designed to fight life’s
whoas together. Your children are strengthened by what you all have
been through. You come up with reasons to get together and check on
each other. It’s a one for all deal and the only violation is
disloyalty. No matter what happens you are linked by DNA and physical
characteristics. Why shouldn’t you be a unit? People try to
have their street families and their business families, but there is
nothing like the real thing. Don’t you want some of mom’s
pound cake or her sweet potato pie? Can you just taste your
grandmother’s pot roast and steamed vegetables, sidelined with
cornbread and her special gravy? Well that taste is family. Doesn’t
it taste good? You lick your fingers and grab a plate to take home
for leftovers. You want it to last another day it is just that good.
If you think about it, family is like a lottery. You are born into it
and you can’t decide which number is coming up or where you
will land. You just hope that you hit the jackpot and get a good one.
If you don’t get all of what you want, then you just hope that
you at least get the prize for having gotten most of the matching
numbers. It is what it is though and you work to make it a fit,
because after all they are from the same roots you are from. You all
will grow to create the same forest. It is up to each one to work
together to decide if it will be a petrified forest that last forever
and is strong as concrete or if it will be a rain forest always full
of sorrow. Pull out those leftovers and remember what family is
really all about.

Can I have kids if I marry a 40 year old woman?

Larry is a 23-year old man madly in love with a 40-year old woman. "I have two brothers and they they are saying that I shouldn't marry her because she is too old and I can't have kids. Is it too late for this woman to have kids or we still have some hope?"

Larry, it is not impossible to have kids; it is just less likely. Getting naturally pregnant after 40 is somewhat difficult, but not impossible. Plus with techniques like IVF and donor eggs she can improve her chances. And also remember that even if you were to marry a 20 year old there is no guarantee that you can have kids. Not all couples can have kids; there are occasional problems. So this really shouldn't be an issue.

With your family, you have to explain to them how much you love this woman and how you want to be happy with her. You really hope that they will share in your happiness; if not you will have no choice to do what is right for yourself and leave them behind. It is going to be a difficult conversation but right now your family members are hoping that due to pressure from them you will give up.

Larry, if this is what you want, be a man and do it.