I have met and befriended countless Japanese girls since I've been here. I have been nice to all of them, helped them with their English, talked with them, hung out with them, and have even been told "You are so kind!  Most Americans don't talk to Japanese."  Yet in all my efforts, I have nothing to show for it. No Asian girlfriend. No Japanese romance. Not even a "quick fling."

So I hereby denounce the idea that Japanese women are attracted to American men.  My hypothesis is that Japanese women are NOT particularly interested in American men.  There was a girl I became quite close to.  We went out a few times, we would talk frequently, I would compliment her, we would have long conversations via instant messenger, she would say I was "so kind and funny."  I was interested; that was obvious.  Then one day I found out she had a new boyfriend - my roommate.  Now, given he is older than me, but I don't think that was the deciding factor.  My theory is that in Tomoko's mind, it all came down to the nice guy and the nice FOREIGNER. So of course she's going to choose another Japanese person rather than start dating the FOREIGNER.  When I later thought about this, I realized that nearly all of the Asian girls on campus who are in relationships are in them with Asian boys.  The Asian/American relationship is actually quite rare around here. So of course, I started doubting the validity of these stories about American men finding beautiful Japanese girls and easily having their way with them.

I am currently attracted to another Japanese girl, more so than I was before, but I haven't made any kind of move because I'm afraid she sees me as just a nice foreigner.  Are there any amazingly effective techniques I'm just not utilizing?  Or is this Japanese-likes-Americans thing just a big conspiracy to raise the hopes of love-struck gaijins?  Please try to clear things up for me, and help me out if you can."  (Related article:  Story of an American marrying an Asian woman)

We receive dozens of emails with similar problems.  While it is true that hundreds of men have flings with Japanese women either in Japan or elsewhere, it is not fair to assume that this is universally true for all Japanese women.  To believe so would be a strong generalization and an assumption that Japanese women are simply objects interested in flings.  First of all, Matt and others, have to start treating Asian women like women.  When people fall in love or have flings or have nasty breakups it has very little do with the fact that these are Asian or Japanese women - it is simply that these are women who feel and act fairly similar to women all over the world.

The second issue that Matt needs to be aware of that Asian and Japanese women still do not have the freedom to engage in any types of relationships that they want.  While a countless number of these women are marrying non-Asian men, they have to overcome several major hurdles before they can do it and generally speaking, there is no choice for them but to leave their home country.

Exchange students and students in general from Asia know that they are in the United States for a finite amount of time and many of them are interested in finding a spouse - someone typically from their own country that they could present to their parents when they get back home.

There is a big contradiction in how Asian (especially Japanese women) behave. Many of them date American men simply because in their community it is considered cool.  These women are perceived as more 'advanced' or 'modern' by their peers.  However, it comes at a heavy price. Men in their community mistreat them and they have a hard time with their families too. We also receive emails from a lot of Asian women who claim that Asian men are so old-fashioned that they are not interested in them any more.  What should you believe? Treat each woman's situation as unique and find out which side of the fence is she on? Remember Asian/Japanese-American marriages are on the rise.

We receive several emails a day and personal ads all over the Internet are a testimony to that as well -  Japanese women are interested in dating American men (read Caucasian, since many of them clearly specify it).  So we do not agree with Matt's hypothesis.

We strongly suspect that Matt may be simply lacking in romantic initiative.  Thus, women simply think of him as a nice guy or friend but go elsewhere when they need romance.  Matt might want to take some initiative and find ways to clearly demonstrate that he is romantically interested.  The romance techniques are universal and they work with Asian/Japanese women - though you have to recognize and watch out for cultural differences.   We do not think that there are any unique romance techniques that would result in immediate success.  Matt has to be charming, subtle, and patient and there is no reason why success will not come his way.

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