How to succeed in an interracial relationship

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Managing expectations is key in interracial relationships
Interracial marriages can be challenging but not impossible

Inter-racial or inter-cultural relationships are not easy. In fact, no relationships are easy. Despite marrying one of their kind in the United States, one out of two marriages fail. Western Europe too is suffering from a steep drop in number of marriages. Many other countries are experiencing delayed marriages. We often hear of relationships gone sour with Japanese women (we rarely hear of relationships gone bad with Japanese men, which we attribute to the relatively small number of such relationships).

Japanese women that end up having relationships with foreign men do so for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, they do it to satisfy their curiosity. In a homogeneous country like Japan, you can practically predict everything about a relationship with a regular Japanese guy. Considering the fact that the Japanese consume a large amount of non-Japanese entertainment, their curiosity is piqued by foreign men. So the adventurous women simply want to find out if the reality is similar to the movies and the books. For them, it is no different than a trip to Disney Land. Since their expectations are akin to a vacation trip (you check in, have a good time, check out, and then think about it as a nice vacation while planning the next one), they end up hurting some of the men who actually become serious about it. Most men, who write to us, simply cannot believe that a woman, after spending some really intimate moments, will simply move on as if nothing happened.

The second group of women consists of those women who have had unpleasant experiences with Japanese men and simply want to explore if they have other options. While these women are far more committed to a long-term relationship, they also expect foreign men to be total opposites of Japanese men. Now while Japanese men have some subtle differences with other men, these differences are minor. That is when frustration sets in. While Japanese men are perceived as macho by Japanese women, rest of the men are macho too to varying degrees. Not all foreign men are Casanovas in bed as some women expect them.

The third group of women is the smallest – women who do not have any specific plans but just run into someone who happens to be non-Japanese. Generally, these are the relationships that succeed at higher rates since there is less baggage involved.

A relationship with someone from such a different culture as Japan gets further complicated by the language and cultural differences. A language is not just a means to communicate your thoughts – speaking the same language allows you to take a peek into someone’s soul. In an increasingly global world, as long as someone can speak some English, we wrongfully assume that we have been able to reach the innermost corner of someone’s heart, which does not happen most of the time, and even less so in case of Japanese. Japanese language is not very communicative – a kanji can have multiple meanings and can mean different things in different contexts. Thus, words have relatively less importance in communication among Japanese people. It is no wonder that decisions take forever in Japan – Japanese language does not have the capability to explain in black and white what people really feel. Thus, sitting face to face in a meeting and following it with more casual conversation in informal settings allows everyone to fully appreciate how everyone on the team feels. Once the feelings are understood, decision is easy. A lot of foreigners who want to do business with the Japanese or have romance with a Japanese forget this and end up with frustrating experiences. Except for those Japanese that are second or third-generation residents in a foreign country, most Japanese still ‘think’ in Japanese when they speak fluent English.

If someone wants to be truly successful in romance with a Japanese, learning the language is absolutely critical. And it is not just memorizing 2,000 kanjis – a person has to actually get to the cultural context of language as well. This will go a long way in helping them better appreciate how the Japanese mind thinks. No relationship will be truly meaningful if you cannot take a peek inside your partner’s soul.

Continued on next page: Interracial relationships

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Relationships with Japanese women Interracial relationship with a Japanese Challenges of relationships with Japanese

Japanese man finds relationship with an American woman How to introduce my Japanese boyfriend to my parents

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