Young women dating mature men
How to deal with such relationships?

By Jade Feng

A 19 year old Japanese woman asks, "I started to work as an office lady in Osaka.  I grew up in the countryside and while I was very happy to find a job in a large city like Osaka I realized that I was an outsider.  I did not dress like other girls and found it rather hard to make new friends.  Over a period of 5 months, I realized that Kento, a colleague of mine who is at least twice my age, seemed very interested in me.  Initially I thought he was just helping a new employee do her job better (which is very common in Japan) but then one day he invited me to go for a drink after work.  Now this is something very common in Japan and I agreed immediately.  We both had a very pleasant evening and my affection for him grew that night since I got to know him as a person rather than just a kacho.  I no longer looked at him as a colleague and started considering him as a friend.  A week after that he secretly gave me a gift and believe it or not it was a pair of very expensive lace stockings that I wanted to wear since all girls were wearing but did not have the guts. I think I am falling in love with Kento.  What should I do?  He is single and good looking but I am afraid that he is too old for me.  Please note that office romance is acceptable in Japan but women are typically required to quit when they marry a colleague."

You seem like a modern, outgoing woman.  I congratulate you on having the courage to leave the countryside and move to the busy city.  You seem to have set some goals for yourself.  I also left a rather old backwards city and moved to a new busy city.  I also didn't dress like other girls and often felt no connection with other girls.   I think it might be fun to have an affair with someone like Kento, but keep a close tab on your goals and objectives.  Young people often dream of finding the perfect match and a having a story book romance, but older people such as Kento are often just looking for an attractive new plaything. (Related article:  Women attracted to older men)

If you decide to further your relationship with him, make sure you know what his objective is.  Many guys will appear to be the romantic type at first by giving flowers and gifts, but often it is just their way of expediting the inevitable.  Later, after they have conquered you, they will quickly tire and move on to their next challenge.  Many guys like to feed their ego by continually trying to surmount a new lady.  (Related article:  Younger men dating mature women)

You must also keep tabs on your career goals.  You said that women who marry a colleague are often required to quit.  Are you prepared to push your career goals aside for this new romance? (By the way, I think if coworkers get married, the companies in Japan should at least offer the couple a choice as to who is quitting; it shouldn't always have to be the woman.)   Don't let my advice scare you out of a possibly great relationship.  I just want to propose some things that you may not have considered in your passionate frame of mind.  I have often seen very successful relationships between older men and younger women.  Anyway, the older the couple gets, the closer their ages are in relation to their life-spans.  On the other hand, keep in mind that when Kento was a college age man, you were still wearing diapers and when he gets older and is no longer interested in tending your fire, it may be you that is out romancing a younger man.  (Related article:  Midlife crisis)

Here are some things to think about before you (or any girl) go to the point of no return:  These are questions that should be asked all couples before issuing marriage licenses. These questions should be answered with a 'yes' (I realize that not all questions will be applicable to you since you live in Japan, but I am giving a comprehensive list for the benefit of other women like you outside Japan and each one of you who reads this can simply ignore questions that are not applicable):

• Did he give you his home phone number, or just a beeper or cell phone number?

• Does he eagerly invite you to functions where he will be meeting his other friends?

• Does he encourage you to participate in conversations with them?

• Have you met his parents and family?

• Did he offer you his house key?

• Is he eager to do fun things with you besides sex, like movies, walks in the park, or trips to the beach?

• Does he value your opinion about worldly issues?

• Has he asked you about your goals in life?

• Have you asked him about his goals?

• Do you share compatible wishes about raising children?

• If you have children, does he fully accept them and is he eager to interact with them?

• If he has children, do YOU fully accept them and are you eager to interact with them?

• If he has children, has he introduced them to you?  (Related:  How to talk about your younger boyfriend?)

• Are you sure he has no children?

• Are you sure he is not currently married?

• Is he legally residing in the country where you are both living?

• Do you both share a similar diet, or is one of you vegetarian and other is a 'carnivore'?

• Have you discussed any financial issues like bad credit which may affect the other person after the marriage?

• Are you sure you have both disclosed any vital information about health issues, especially diseases ?

• Have you both discussed and settled on a reliable method of birth control?

• Have you both discussed and agreed on how to handle an unwanted pregnancy?

• Are you sure he really loves you?

Next part:  More questions to ask when you date a mature man    I love my boyfriend who is twice my age

Related articles:  Older man in a relationship with a younger woman   My older boyfriend is too concerned with his age