| Japanese
men can be very difficult people to have a relationship with
particularly if you are relatively new to Japan. Our
research shows that it can take up to five years of
uninterrupted living in Japan and immersion into Japanese
culture and language for a foreigner to get a good
understanding of the Japanese mind. Let us review one
case here of a Western European woman. Veronica, who lives in Japan and is originally from Western Europe, has posed the following question to us:
"I met my boyfriend through a mutual friend, who works at the same company as my
boyfriend - a foreign company in Japan. ( I've been teaching English in Japan for 18 months and met him recently). He's completely adorable, gentlemanly, attentive, intelligent, emotional, and cute as a button. Because
Japan is a male dominated
society, even now, he believes that the man should take care of everything, meaning that he pays for everything and generally makes all of the plans. Of course, it's lovely and refreshing being treated like a
princess, but coming from a feminist background, it makes me feel uncomfortable or childlike when he refuses to let me pay. On more than one occasion I have had to apologize for offending him, by trying to pay for dinner. As I'm the first foreign girl he's dated, I suppose I'm worried that the initial attraction will wane and also what about the future?"
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We see two major issues here and we will address them one at a time since they are fairly different:
- How to have a meaningful relationship with a Japanese man without offending him due to poor understanding of cultural differences?
(Related:
Black women and Japanese men)
- How to make sure that this relationship means as much to him as it does to her and he is not treating it as a fling to satisfy his curiosity?
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 Having a health relationship with a Japanese man
Since you have been in Japan, you must have figured out by now that you need to understand the local culture very well since it is not just a little bit different. It is VERY different. If you have doubts, ask a Japanese friend, read books, and watch TV even if you do not understand it well. This will be a good approach to better understanding what you are expected to do. Remember, "While in Rome as the Romans
do." In Japan, the rule is simple - You do not want to be different. Try to merge as much as you can even if it means sacrificing some of your individuality. Especially if you want to date a Japanese man, try to absorb the culture as much as you can.
Regarding his preference to pay for your meals, better not make a deal about it. There are ways in which you can reciprocate.
Buy a gift for him, arrange a surprise party for him, or just plain and simple give him your love.
Making sure that the
relationship has a future
Japanese men in most cases are like men all over the world. Whatever faults you will find in the male species all over the world, are present in Japanese men as well. But here are some of the things that are different:
- Japanese men have very limited experience with women and
the passion that you would see in the west is typically not so intense in the Japanese culture.
- The goal of a relationship for a Japanese man is either
pure physical intimacy or starting a family. Japanese men do not get involved just to explore and see how it turns out.
(Related:
Commitment phobic Japanese men)
- Japanese men will typically face a lot of discrimination if they end up marrying a foreign girl. It is extremely unusual for
Japanese men to take non-Japanese wives (the trend in the countryside is, however, different since many farmers have been facing difficulty in finding brides and have started
marrying Chinese or Filipino
women).
Therefore, it is common
for Japanese men not to commit.
- If you would like to know for sure what is on his mind, observe him carefully over the next two weeks. It should be easy for you to assess if he is in love with you or he is just exploring what a gaijin women is like. Find a bit about his past relationships. Does he just spend money on you because of cultural reasons or does he do it out of love? If you see a hint of casual behavior and you are emotionally involved, it is a good time for you to rethink. If you still do not find the answer and his behavior is confusing, just ask him. For instance, one question could be: "Honey! Where do you see this relationship going?" If you are convinced about his
commitment phobia, then this may be a good time to redefine the relationship.
- Since Japanese people will not always say things as they are, you might very well find out that he is in love with you even though he may not say so. Well, then just give him some time to find you and this will be a good opportunity for you to build your relationship with him on a firm foundation.
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