Adultery creates complications
I have been working with a couple for quite some time now. Just to give you a little background, Bunny and Kevin are colleagues. Kevin is married but has never had a good relationship with any woman so far. He was abused as a child and he does not know for sure what he wants from a woman. The kind of women he has married are not the ones he like and the kind he likes don't want to marry him. So he is essentially stuck in totally dysfunctional relationships. Bunny is simply an angel who has been helping him become normal again and move on with his life. She has given him what anyone else in Kevin's life has never given him. I have often warned Bunny that she will turn out to to be the biggest loser in this effort since she will be left all alone when Kevin pulls his life together. It will be a great act of charity and kindness but they are both operating in a a gray area. Bunny wants to help him and is willing to make the sacrifice.
Below is the update I received from Bunny this week:
"During the past weeks it seems Kevin and I have become closer. It seems we try to find a way to keep us together and yet keep his marriage together. We have talked and read scriptures and scriptural references regularly. While keeping in mind that we are attempting to do what is right, this and just about everything we do or don't do draws us closer. He says that I know everything about him and I still care for him and we have the same natural spontaneous draw toward each other. He says he feels complete when we are together. We feel that when we part, our hearts are removed from us.
We still have not had a normal intimate experience in a bed and allowed ourselves to give completely to each other. We want this but we also agree that it is impossible to give completely when he has a spouse. We have talked about being together periodically, once every few weeks, for a 99% experience or to the fullest extent we feel we can give to each other. He says he also fears it or anything which will bring us closer because he is afraid he will then leave his wife. He carries guilt home with him and would like to be able to tell her to relieve himself of the guilt and the lie he feels he lives at home but he doesn't want her to discover any of this because he doesn't want to hurt her and says she wouldn't understand and love him still the way I do and his marriage would be over. I think he has some residual love for her, is also afraid of failure, and of being alone. I reminded him that they need to seek help for their problems and make efforts if he wants it to work. So he has mentioned counseling to her and told her that if things don't change, the marriage will end but they still have not sought counseling. I asked him that if being involved with me was alright with God, would he continue to be with me and still be married and he immediately agreed that he would. I also have made it clear to him that I don't like being in the dark -- that I would want to know so that I could make fully informed decisions - in other words, I wouldn't want to be left in the dark as his wife is. If I see he is closing and suppressing, I keep talking things out with him that we need to understand and work through. Communication always seems to help us.
Because he fears getting any closer to me, this week we have cried quite a bit and he has said that he needs to try to give his marriage 100 percent to see if he can make it work and he cannot work on his marriage and think of me also. He doesn't want me to be alone but yet he wants me to be there in the case he is not able to work things out at home. He doesn't think the two of them could ever have the same kind of relationship that he and I have. He says things like every time he passes my office he wants to come in and hug and kiss me and just stay there all day. He can't think about work - I can't think about work. So he has begun purging reminders of me from his work space and apparently is closing and suppressing again in an attempt to focus on the marriage. His wife bought him a new wedding band last weekend and this seems to be very upsetting to him. Even after the ring he said that a couple of days this week he came very close to going home and telling her he wants a divorce."
This is what I think that Bunny and Kevin should do going forward:
- It seems that giving each other 99% and then feeling that you have deprived yourself of something does not seem right. Just go ahead with 100%. Ethically, it does not matter.
- Kevin needs to make up his mind about what he wants. He seems to want it all - not hurt his spouse but also tying himself to Bunny. Bunny has done a lot for him but a time has to come when Kevin has to let her go or let his wife go. A marriage that is based on pity for his wife is not a marriage. Yes, it will be painful to end the relationship but it seems that the marriage is probably dysfunctional any way. By cutting the cord with his current spouse, he can free himself and her. It is probably best for all. And he does not have to be mean if all he means good. Not only can they have an amicable separation, they can also be friends for life.
- Bunny has done an admirable act of kindness but maybe she is sacrificing more than she needs to. She has to start asking for what is her due. If she thinks that Kevin is the man for her, she needs to act on that. If she wants to continue to do her charity work for Kevin, she needs to figure out what she will do once Kevin has no need for her.
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