Commitment phobic men, how to deal with them

One of the things that women tend to do is to have a very strong belief in their capacity to love and change a person. It does work sometimes, but more often than not, it only brings pain. Women have to understand that a man is still a hunter at heart and while he likes the love and the attention that a woman can shower on him, if he is not being the hunter, he is not enjoying it. When he sees that a woman is too nice to him, as a man he might feel that it is his duty to be polite and pleasant, but he still does not want a long-term committed relationship or marriage. In other words, women perceive him as a commitment-phobic man. (Related article: How to seduce men?)

In this article let me discuss Lisa's case. She has been together with her boyfriend for four years but now he tells her that he needs his own space. She tells me, "We see each other quite often. He also said that he feels pressured for marriage since we have been together so long and he doesn't think he is ready. There is a age difference between us. He is 37 years and I am 25 years. When we first started going out, I was aware that he had commitment issues, but I thought that if I just supported him and loved him as he was, they would diminish. He also claims to have never felt love for anyone. So after 4 years, that hurts. I don't believe him though, as he has said "I love you" to me only after 3 years and he does things that stem from love. I don't know what to do. Should I give him the space and wait and see. Is it possible that this pattern (that has occurred in his other relationships after 2-3 years) will change? Or as you say is he getting a pay off in our relationship by being this way? I love him so much. I can't imagine being without him. But I don't want to give him my prime years and be left old and nobody wanting me! What should I do?" (Related article: Dealing with men who avoid commitment)

Here are a few things that women must absolutely understand about men:

• It is never a good idea to hope for things to change. They rarely do. If you are in doubt early on about some aspect of a man's personality, do not fool yourself by telling yourself that your love will change it. I have seen cases in which things changed but I have seen more cases in which a woman simply lost valuable years of her life trying to change.
• Men, the "hunters" and the "protectors" that they think they really are, don't always mean everything that they say. For a man to say "I love you" may be a way to charm a woman or to make her feel good or just to convince her to get into bed with him.
• If a man is resisting commitment, unless there are compelling reasons, it means that he is not interested in you as much as you are in him. Or in other words, you need to make a decision if you still want to pursue a man who is not really excited about spending the rest of his life with you.

What can you do?

• Give him his space for a definite period of time but on a condition that if he does not give you a commitment after that period, then you will be free to re-evaluate the relationship. If he does come back to you, that will be wonderful. If not, you will be free to move on. In the meantime, however, you will get a great opportunity to take stock of your life and make the changes that you need to make in order to be a better/stronger person.
• Just because he has not accepted your love, do not think that it is your fault or something is not right with you. That would be saying that somehow he is in control of your life. You did your best and if he did not appreciate your love, it is his problem and he does not deserve any more of your love. I am positive that there are other men out there who will be delighted to fall in love with someone like you. (Related article: Life strategies for women - believe in yourself)
• It is indeed true that we sometimes think that we can not imagine our lives without a certain person. The reality, however, is that it is tough but eventually we all learn to move on and start a new life. I am confident that with a little bit of help from inspirational books/videos and support of friends and family, you will be able to move on.
• Do not put your life on hold for one person. No matter how good he is and how much you love him, if he does not reciprocate, he is not the man for you. You live only once so make the best of it. Do not waste it on a moron who does not know how lucky he is that he gets loved so much by a wonderful woman.

Recommended article: How to find out if a man really likes you?