Intimacy is critical to a healthy relationship

I have dealt with the issue of men who have difficulty being intimate with their loved one. Some have physical problem (now treatable) while others have emotional issues. This can make the women in their lives crazy. My advice to men is that there is nothing embarrassing about admitting you have a problem and seeing a doctor or a therapist. There are simple cures for most complications. The reward is big: you get to live a more fulfilling life and please your partner. Let me deal with one example here to discuss this issue in greater detail.

Becky tells me that her husband is not interested in being intimate with her. He says it is because of her weight and appearance. She says, "I have been seriously ill and virtually bedridden for the past 3 years. The illness I have has caused major metabolic problems which have resulted in weight gain. However, even when I was thin and pretty, he did not seem interested in me. I feel as though I can never be perfect enough for him. He is a very fit, 45 year old, who exercises regularly - almost obsessively. I am 43, and though I am ill, my libido is quite healthy. I'm seeing a specialist for my illnesses and am making progress. I am working very hard to get well, lose weight, and become prettier, but I doubt that it will make a difference. I am beginning to wonder if I will have to settle for a marriage without intimacy, and I wonder if I will be content to do that. I am a very affectionate person, and he rarely even holds my hand or hugs me. He says that he loves me, and, in many ways, he is very good to me. He is not abusive physically or emotionally, except for withholding affection. I almost feel as though he is punishing me for being sick. I definitely feel that he has all of the power in our relationship, that he knows he does, and that he uses that power to make me feel inferior. This has gone on for 20 years. By the time I got sick, I had very little self-esteem left, and the illness has taken the rest. I am trying to build myself back up, in spite of his emotional and physical withdrawal, but it is difficult. Plus, I am starting to feel emotionally numb toward my husband. I recognize that we are headed in an unhealthy direction, but I don't know what to do. I don't feel that intimacy should be contingent upon my losing weight or being pretty, but should be a physical expression of our love for each other. I am not obese, and other men look at me when I go out, so I think I must not be too unattractive. But he does not appreciate my beauty, and he's the one I'm married to. Do you have any advice?" (Related article: Intimacy starved marriages)

Your situation is somewhat complex and let me first try to identify what some of the issues are:

• Your husband has not been interested in you for 20 years. That itself is a big problem and that is what I think you should try to deal with.
• He is not trying to deal with his feelings either. By telling you that he loves you and doing some of the things that a loving husband does, he might be denying to himself what he really feels about you. Using your weight and looks as an excuse, he is simply not saying what he feels inside.
• If he is not having an affair and is not actively seeking one, the best thing to do is to meet with a marriage counselor. A lot of these things can be worked out very easily. If he has other disorders like erectile dysfunction, he can get medical help for that as well.
• It also seems that you have self esteem problems of yours. First of all you have to take it out of your head that physical beauty is everything that a man is attracted to. If that were the case, Brad Pitt would have never divorced a drop dead gorgeous beauty like Jennifer Aniston. So you need to work on your self esteem. Some things are simple to do. For example, take better care of your skin. Dress stylish - nothing expensive, just trendy clothes that make you look charming. Similarly, invest in lingerie that you feel will do justice to your beauty. Redecorate your bedroom. Always smile. Feel your inner beauty. Chances are that when you will feel good about yourself inside, you will radiate beauty on the outside and that will bring him back to you. (Related article: Tips on being a sexy woman)
• I am not sure that he is really trying to punish you since none of the other things that he does indicate that he means harm. He does not appear to be the type of man who is really into cuddling and intimacy and that is not rare. Some men, for a variety of reasons, do have a problem with intimacy. So do all of the above and see what happens. Hopefully, you will see improvement. If not, then you may want to reevaluate your relationship.

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