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This
last week was a real tug of love/war. I am always
irritated when I see him suppressing rather than
dealing. I think he believes he is dealing the best way
he can at present. He fears
counseling because he thinks his failures will be
revealed to his
wife.
I think he fears being looked upon as a failure by his
wife
and the families, etc. I would say that he doesn't want
to lose respect. I don't believe he respects himself
because of what he considers his failings but I believe
he would like to be able to respect himself and to feel
that others would then genuinely respect him. His
wife's family does not even know that he was married
before. I don't know why this was kept from them or
should even be an issue.
I keep hearing
myself saying to Arthur that restraining himself from
me/us is not in itself a solution for him or for me. He
has gone out of town for a week with his
wife to
see his
family and he wants to concentrate on spending time
with her and also to work through the withdrawals
resulting from he and I being apart. I can understand
that he would
find it hard to live with himself if he left his
marriage without giving it his all. I also respect
him if he is trying to make good on his forever
commitment and trying to do what is right in the
eyes of the
Creator.
Arthur and I agree
that there is really no advantage to giving 99% to each
other rather than 100% but we just don't think it is
possible. How can we possibly give completely when we
both know under the circumstances there can be no
commitment?
Regarding
adultery being acceptable in some circumstances and
as a last resort, Arthur and I would relish being able
to accept that argument. As I mentioned in my last
email, we agreed that if it were all right with
God, it would be so agreeable with us. He and I both
know that it isn't
all right with God, so we struggle.
If you think further about this though,
God must have a reason for not allowing this.
Doesn't the
couple who are having intimate bonding usually want
to be together more and more and how is this fair to the
unknowing spouse?
This quite well
describes what has happened with Arthur and I. I believe
you agree that
monogamy is ideal. One on one with a God-fearing
mate, you have God on your side.
I always encourage
Arthur to be open and honest with him and with me and it
seems we are both so content when we allow this. Then
the reality of his responsibilities set in and he begins
the suppression, the avoidance. I endeavor to keep him
open. It seems I can send him into a rage and I can
then calm him. It's a wild rollercoaster ride. We would
both much prefer to be able to freely be ourselves
without the guilt but this is the real life with
real emotions and also real responsibilities.
Thank you for your
counsel and encouragement to seek my due and your
concern for me as the potential 'biggest
loser' and your counsel to decide what I am to do.
I have told Arthur
some time ago that at the end of all of this he is going
to find that I am not an angel but a real flesh and
blood female. I had a husband once. I am a
widow.
For several years I thought I was content with the peace
of being alone. What I have learned about human nature
kept me from
pursuing relationships. I considered emotions to be
just feelings and didn't allow them to bother me. My
brother was always trying to get me to feel things. He
died a couple of years ago. Then I began to feel. Arthur
came to me and I began to feel even more so. He also
had put himself in a numb emotional state, a survival
instinct I suppose. Now we both are engulfed in
feeling, which we cannot fully express, we cannot give.
Do you think it is
probable that he and his
wife can heal if she isn't made aware of what has
happened? Given your experience in dealing with these
situations, what outcome do you see as probable for us? |
