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Tina, Arthur's
extramarital lover, provided more insights to me in
Arthur’s childhood.
“Arthur’s father was
an
alcoholic. His mother asked him in his
early teenage years to be the man of the house since
dad was not dependable. Every day of his life, he had to
deal with the
drunkenness, meanness and the arguments between his
dad and mother. He would lie to his father so as to
avoid the fighting between parents. Arthur and his mom
would routinely leave the house to avoid confrontations
with his father. His father would
push sex
on his mother, sometimes roughly and audibly and he
overheard this. These were his role models -- he
perceived this as the
relationship between a man and wife. When his father
was mean and argumentative, his mother would submit just
to keep the peace, I suppose. Arthur would stay by his
mother many nights while she cried herself to
sleep.
When he
became old enough, he began standing up to his
father. Now he finds himself avoiding confrontation at
all cost and lying to conceal something he has done
which could lead to confrontation. He is realizing that
he doesn’t always get what he wants by yelling and
kicking or punching things even though this seemed to
work for his father. Arthur has said he is tired of
living a lie.
As Arthur mentioned,
his father used to make comments in his mother's
presence about other
large-chested women he would see -- she was also
large. Apparently, if a woman wasn't
very large chested he seemed to regard her as
useless. It seems I have seen it repeated in men that
they sometimes act out in a manner resembling the
behavior of their fathers in what appears to be a
subconscious attempt to feel their approval. Arthur
said when he and his brother were growing up his father
would brag about his brother but not about him and of
course this hurt him. Arthur says that he and his
father now have a better relationship. Arthur is
not a
habitual drinker and he is not physically
abusive. He says he is irritable and does 'pick
fights' with his wife. He probably likes to be seen
in the company of what he perceives as either
attractive women or just
large
breasted women, except at the
beach for instance, since most of these
large
breasted women are
large all
over. I have thought perhaps Arthur would like to
make an appearance before his father with a very
busty
female at his side. When I asked him if this is the
case, he said that he didn't think it is. He said he
never wanted his father to meet or even see a
photo of women he dated because of the comments his
father would make. However Arthur related to me that
after seeing one
large female for a week or two, Arthur asked for her
picture which he did at his father's request and showed
it to him and received a comment to the effect 'Oh I can
see why you like her - she has
big _____'. So even though Arthur didn’t admit it,
it seems he wanted his dad to be aware he had a
large female.
What I have told
Arthur that he needs and he seems to agree is to have a
partner who is interested in having a full and complete
sexual/emotional
relationship with him. He and I both seem to agree
that ideally
sex is the
ultimate expression of caring between a man and woman
and that
playing dress up occasionally may be for fun, but
just for fun in a relationship where mainly the need and
desire is to give of each other and to each other in an
intensely caring and bonding way, one on one in a
circumstance wherein
God is on your side. However his wife does not seem
to see things this way. If she did, perhaps all of this
discussion would not have come about.”
I think Arthur has been "abused," his
self-esteem is in shambles, he has not been loved,
his
sex life has been pathetic, and this means, that he
needs help on so many issues. While having a rich,
sexual, emotional,
loving relationship will make a huge difference in
his life, he might still need years of
therapy to become a "normal" man. |
