 Kristen is in
a
beautiful relationship. The only problem is that the
man is avoiding commitment. She writes, "I have been
dating my boyfriend for about four years now. I had
expected him to
pop the question over a year ago, the way things were
going/progressing. My dad had the talk with him 8 months
ago and wanted to know his intentions. He hasn't given
either one of us an answer. I am afraid that he is
commitment phobic boyfriend. When I first had the
courage to ask him, he said that we need to
graduate from college first, and we did. Then he said
we both needed to be
financially stable and have good jobs. We both have
good jobs now and have started our careers for more than a
year now. Now, he says he wants everything to be
prefect and he is just not ready yet. Should I wait? Will
he ever be ready? He will not give me a timeframe on even
remotely when he thinks he will be ready. He has
reportedly told his parents another year. Why? I
love him dearly and can absolutely see us spending the
rest of our lives together. He tells me he doesn't want to
rush things, but after almost 4 years, I don't think that
is rushing anything. It is dragging it out though. I am
ready to move out of my parents' home (moved back after
college thinking I would
save some money until we get married). At 24, I cannot
stay in my parents' home any longer! I either want to get
married or get my own place, but I have to know what to
plan for. Do I get a 6-month lease or a year's lease?
I asked him which he prefers and he says that I should do
what I want. Get the 6-month because I can always extend
it. NOT the answer I was looking for. Am I being
unreasonable or rushing the whole marriage thing? What is
the best thing to do in this situation? My parents think
that he should make up his mind now and let me know what
to plan on. I am ready to start our lives together and I
feel like I am at a crossroad. Do you think he will
ever commit to a time to me? How can I know for sure? What
if I
break things off now and later on regret that I should
have waited a little longer and not messed up a good
thing? I don't want to waste any more time if I am right
back here in this same situation a year from now. I told
myself that 4 months ago that I was going to give him an
ultimatum. Well, I didn't and I decided to give him
another 6 months. I have two months left until then. Any
advice about things I need to be doing until then? I
really would like an answer from him, just an answer. I
don't feel that's too much to ask. Why can't I get it?"
(Related:
How to
make your boyfriend marry you)
I think your
boyfriend is clearly a
commitment phobic man and has given you all the
signals that he is not interested in
marriage at this
time. This is really sad because he has wasted 4 years of
your life and they will never come back. While no one
knows, but during this time, you could have
found another
relationship and
pursued your
goals. Or at least saved
your emotions for someone more deserving.
|
|
 On one
hand, I am tempted to tell you that you should move out of
your parents' home and
start an independent life but still
not breakup with him in the hope that eventually he will
marry you, but all indicators at this point tell me that
it is best that you
move on in life without him. Tell him
that you have thought about it a lot for a long time and
it is obvious that his and your priorities are different -
in other words, it is time to purse your own goals. That
is why you are
breaking up with him so that you can pursue
your goals (marriage, settled life, children, etc.) and he
can do what he wants. |
And be
careful if he suddenly agrees to marry you - any time
someone agrees to marriage under pressure, it may not last
or he will taunt and blame you for any
marital problems
later on. On the other hand, if he realizes that he took
you for granted all along, is genuinely sorry for it, and
wants to make things better, then you must marry him -
good matches are hard to find. What you do not want at
this point is yet another milestone (oh, let us wait
another month so that I can get that promotion that I
want). If he does not propose right away and set a wedding
date - it is clear that he wants you to go away so that he
can enjoy his life without commitment.
Kristen,
you look like a reasonable, patient, and sweet woman and
it seems that you are wasting your time with him. I am
sorry if I am asking you to take such a drastic step but
it seems that your parents will agree with me that this is
the best thing for you. You can do better than just wait
for an irresponsible man to make up his mind.
Recommended:
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to go from casual to serious
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Should I be
patient with my husband
Boyfriend not committing
How to find a man who does not want marriage
My boyfriend chickened out of marriage
Why I will wait to marry my lover |
