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Is your boyfriend commitment phobic?
How to deal with men who are afraid to commit?
You have all had your share of
commitment phobic
men but there are times when you just can't figure out if a man has a genuine and valid reason to not commit or he
is just afraid of
commitment. So below is a story of a woman who has now figured out what a deception her relationship was. Please read her story below and
after that what I think are the options for her.
***********
I have recently read lots of information on
commitment-phobia on the web and I am amazed at how well it defines him and our relationship. I now realize why as soon as we seem to be getting more and more fond of each other, he'd pick fights (which I was very reactive too before) and end
breaking
up. At the beginning, I would chase him, due to the confusion the sudden
change in his attitude would leave me in, but after a while realized it would be just better to get along with my life. So I somehow broke the vicious
circle I was in, and each time we'd get back together again (mostly on his insistence), he was more and more caring and committed and tried to make
improvements in our relationship. When we have been separate, we've not
necessarily been with other people, but after a while we both miss each other too much. So we start off again in a very romantic way.
Two months ago after a superb
holiday
together, he backed off so much that I left him because I needed more commitment. However, despite our not being in a relationship, he managed to keep nicely in touch with me.
When
I took
my now ex-boyfriend back again, he was very charming and I told him I wanted some sort of
serious commitment, to live with him, get
engaged, etc. He'd always give stupid excuses about not doing so - my cat bothers him, I didn't have a stable job, and had money problems, he wasn't ready - which makes me very wary. Now I am starting a new job, and you could say that at 26 I am quite
successful now in my career. He realized I was serious, and so he said that we would live together and eventually get engaged. I spent a week in his apartment and he told me to bring more stuff over, even my cat was there. He planned holidays abroad for us and said we could first try it in his place and then probably move together in a few months in a bigger apartment. However, he did put a condition saying, "Only when we get along fine." That really scared me because I was afraid that he was trying to gain even more time. (Related:
Turn
your boyfriend into husband)
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After a week I came back home, because his family was coming to visit. Then time just flew by and we had a fight (I probably went on pressuring and he panicked) and although his reaction was to
end the
relationship, we've talked and I've reminded him that in 5 days or so he will want to get back, as usual, and that can't go on, we have to stop this yo-yoing that hurts us both so much and is
embarrassing for family and friends! Now that I've read so much on the subject, we can actually talk and I listen to all the excuses, fears,
etc., he has... and at what he has to say about me. I must say he is very much affected and also recognizes his part of the guilt, I also know I have probably pressured
him and maybe we should stay together a bit more, me keeping my independence and just accepting what life gives me, until I see (and he sees) more clearly if we should work on this or let go. I must say, either way I feel we are both growing and learning now a lot. At the same time, I'm sociable and don't rely on him for my happiness, at least I try. |
 It has been 3 years and I do feel I need a commitment from him... and that he needs to do it too. He is
genuinely having a bad time and says he doesn't understand himself. I've told him to try and think why he has these feelings and to look deep inside. It is amazing how much he
panics! He travels a lot with his job and now we'll be separated for nearly a month.
He says he realizes he doesn't give me all I need, and that makes him sad, which is why he also thinks it is
best we end the relationship for now, but I know he would come back and I can't take that anymore. What should I do? Should I believe he has intentions of committing eventually? Forget about it altogether and accept that maybe not all relationships are meant to be. He's so
scared of rejection and being invaded, not being in control of his life. He doesn't know if we are meant to be together... and so on. I also feel he's a bit
immature and still has not made a complete break from the little boy to being an adult, though he's lived on his own for 5 years but when his mother comes, she treats him like a
little boy.
Even if it seems amazing to you, we do care a lot about each other and are considered intelligent and with our heads screwed on. So how can we stop going crazy about this? Give it a chance or just let it
go? What do I do? (Related:
End a useless relationship)
*****
My thoughts on dealing with a man who
does not have the guts to commit
It is obvious that he has problems (immaturity, commitment phobia,
lack of will to be a
grownup, etc.), to be honest, so do you (lack of self
esteem). I think he is just being a "little boy" and somehow you are letting him be that while you do not find your own path without him.
(Related article: Reasons
for women staying in bad relationships)
While I am tempted to say that you must try it one last time with him, I also feel that it will only cause more pain for you and there is a high probability that it will not go anywhere or he may force himself to commit (without believing in it) and you will have problems in your relationship later on. Men like him run a factory of excuses. No matter what, they can always come up with the most brilliant excuses. And in that sense he is simply using you. If he keeps waiting for that perfect moment to say the magic words to you, that will not come for him.
(Related:
How to ask a man to commit)
So what can you do?
You have two options:
- Tell him that by a certain date (30 days works best) you would like to have a commitment from him that would make you both a normal couple
(Related:
Is there a marriage gene). If he does it the right way, with as much excitement as you have, I will be the happiest person to know that. If he does not, and comes up with yet another creative excuse, you should walk away forever - never to look back. I know it is going to be hard for you because you have never done this before but for the sake of your life and sanity you
MUST end this relationship and simply not entertain him at
all. It may be hard for you in the beginning but we have all learned to leave things behind.
- Tell him that you like his idea of ending this relationship now. Looks as if
he wants you to leave any way. I do not think that he has
intentions of committing and he just uses you because you are the only one in this world to believe his lies. If you leave now, it will be good for you both, and more so for you. And trust me, you will find someone good.
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I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and have known him for even longer from our days together at university. He is 28,