The wise people
are those that learn from the mistakes of others. That is why
from time to time we publish stories of people who have
challenges in their relationships and their lives. Here is
a the story of a woman in her late forties, who has been
unfortunate all her life. While she has
taken some control of her life, as you will read below,
there have been instances where she could have done more to
take charge and
pursue her happiness more aggressively.
Growing up
Childhood
issues probably play a big part in my adulthood. I was the
fourth child of five. The second female child (18 months
difference from older sister). Two years later the
youngest was born with many medical issues. My father was
diagnosed with
multiple sclerosis when I was eight while he was already
legally blind. I grew up in a single family,
middle class neighborhood. There was only
enough money for basics and very little attention was
given to us children (with all the sickness in the family). In
addition, my father made
sexual advances toward me when I was 13. Since I was
left home alone with him a lot during those years I felt I was
living
in constant fear. He had an angry temper toward my older
siblings (not toward me...he was too sick by the time I was
older). My
mother
was kind, worked hard and was very caring. She never spoke or
showed loving gestures but took care of us with kindness. She
was preoccupied with bigger issues most of the time. She is
still a big part of my life and I see her weekly with loving
feelings. I accept and understand the difficulties she had to
face while we were children.
Past relationships
I
married my
high school sweetheart (children's father). He
turned out to be an alcoholic/drug addict (still is). I
finally left him after 12 years of chaos. Our children
have very little contact with him. A year later met
another guy and had a 10 year relationship. He was
unable to get along with people, spent lots of time
drinking alone, and he never had a significant long term
relationship. I left him because he refused to
commit to a long term
financial situation after living with him for 4
years and began blaming me for his unhappiness and
drinking. It was time for me to create my own long term
financial security and happiness. I left and
bought my own home and was content.
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Eight
months later, ended up in my latest relationship. Yes,
lots of drama from the beginning (very similar to my
ex
husband - only this time he was a drunk/drug addict
of many years). He also had serious anger management
issues and after being humiliated in public by him for
years, I finally
ended the relationship.
My
parents instilled values, morals and ethics in all of us
children. However, I'm beginning to think I should be
more flexible. Maybe I expect too much from others then
again maybe not enough. I probably see-saw with too many
issues. How confusing would that be to a
partner? I've learned to say, "I will not allow
unacceptable behavior or allow my boundaries to be
crossed and I will always try not to cross yours." The
problem with this statement, is that I did allow
unacceptable behavior and boundaries to be crossed, too
many times. See what I mean, see-sawing. |
What I want to do?
I do hope
some day I can have a
healthy relationship. I can enjoy being by myself, or with
friends (very few now) and with family, just not today.
Ultimate I truly want a life long
soulmate. I want to share my life with someone special.
It is time
to focus on me and my issues and I do need help. I need to
understand why I
choose relationships where my needs are never met. I've
done some reflection, journal writing, and reading in an
attempt to get more awareness. I have lots of
fears,
insecurity and abandonment issues which have led to
codependency,
communication difficulties, anger (hurt feelings),
jealousy, and
untrusting
attitude.
Recommended: To search for a solution
if you are in a similar situation,
search our huge archive of relationship articles here.
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