Ursula
writes, "I am a
40 year old married woman. I have been
dissatisfied with my married life for a very long
time -
husband provides well financially, but is not
connecting emotionally by being
available to talk and nurture the relationship. It
seems like we don't get along personality wise. He also
ignores/neglects me a lot.
Sex is spotty at best. He does not
like to
kiss, we just
have sex a couple of times a month. He has also been
verbally abusive. He does not offer to
spend alone
time and when we are together by
putting me down and talking 'down' to me. I have
been incredibly
unhappy and started to
find attraction to other men."
As a frustrated,
desperate housewife, she did what many of them do
these days.
Go to the Internet to find what they are missing in
their marriage. She says she
found a man and started emailing him regularly over
the past year. She tells me, "He is married for 2 years
and now his wife is 8 months
pregnant. He was married before and has 2
teenagers from that. When things got really bad at
home last month I called him up and
asked to meet. Right after the first meeting he
started hinting that we should
kiss. We
started kissing around the fourth meeting perhaps
and now I have been seeing him quite regularly [about
2-4 times per week] and
kissing/talking/making
out heavily with him. He wants to
have sex - but I stop short."
Ursula continues, "Lately I am finding that I am
developing strong feelings for him and feel like
I
am in love with him. I know he says he wants to be
forever married to his wife and is looking for
something on the side. So I have decided to
break away from this. I told him not to text me
again. I am not sure if I will keep to this.
I am incredibly attracted to him. He is attracted to me
too. But I am feeling this whole thing is just so
wrong. I told him that and that we should break
off. He has agreed but still asks me out sometimes.
I am
not happy with my husband and I don't know
what I
should do with my life. It is sad,
empty and
feels so unfulfilled! I don't know what to do with
myself anymore. I am not sure
why I picked this married man to have this long
relationship but I did! Please advise
how I can better my life. My husband is so
unromantic and does not even like to cuddle. He
constantly
watches TV and ignore me totally. I am so
sad with my life. I forgot to mention, I have
two kids - 12 year old girl and 8 years old boy.
Desperately seeking advice because right now
I hate my life."
Time has
come to act
I am so sorry to hear about your
situation but I am willing to work with you over the
coming weeks to help you think through this and
make your life better. I am a big believer in
living our lives to the fullest because we only get
one chance. And like you, I am in my 40s and really
starting to recognize the importance of living each day
of my life with special attention because life is just
flying by.
First of all, I tell all not to get into an emotional
relationship with a married man or woman and
definitely not with someone who does not want to leave
his/her spouse. The way I see it, you think you are
in love with this man because he is the only man on
the planet that seems to pay any attention to you and
gives you the
intimacy that you so badly need. I have nothing
against you using him the way he uses you --
entertainment. I would even encourage you to just go
ahead and
have sex with him because I do not think that it is
any more unethical or immoral than what you have already
done. A relationship like this would not give you
fulfillment or solve any of your problems, but I like to
think that we all feel good and think better when our
sexual needs are met.
How to move forward from a bad
marriage?
What you really need to do is to spend next several
weeks analyzing how you can move forward. I like to
suggest that if we are unhappy with something either we
should stop whining about it or change it. The
time has come for you to either accept the reality that
you are
married to an unromantic man (or that he has a
mistress who is getting all the love while
he is
with you for the sake of the kids) who is a great
provider but will
not give you love or sex for the rest of your life.
You will need to find that with someone else and need to
get better at it by not falling in love with them but
still get companionship and
orgasms.
Alternatively, you can change your situation. For
instance, you can
communicate with your husband and seek
help of
professional marriage therapists to
improve your marriage. Trust me, it works. If he is
unwilling to or you believe that you have reached a
point that nothing can be done, it is better to
get a
divorce. Make sure that you speak to an
attorney first and get your finances in order (also
figure out how you will make a
living as a single mom) but this is the only life
you have and you can do something to make it better. As
the kids are somewhat older now, you can have an easier
life from now on. At least you would not be with a man
who makes you unhappy every day and you will be free to
do what makes you happy. |
