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Ashley, a
married woman who cheated with a man for a few
months but then
ended the relationship after he moved away, writes,
"I've basically stopped talking to the guy that I was
cheating with. Lately we have only been sending
text
messages once every other week with the basic hi. I
haven't told him that I love or miss him in some weeks.
And the
funny thing is he hasn't said it to me either.
So right now I'm thinking he never cared anything about
me to begin with. That's unless he is hiding his
feelings like I've been doing. I'm still at home with my
husband and I've been trying really really hard to
make things with him work but there are no feelings
there at all. I just feel comfortable with him to the
point I'm
scared to leave. I know deep down inside that I'm
not in love with him but I also know leaving my comfort
zone isn't a smart thing to do either. My life is such a
mess right now that I can't
eat or
sleep and my
hair is starting to fall out. And the only thing the
I do know is that I'm in
love with a married man that is not in love with me
and probably never was and that I'm
married to man that I'm not in love with. And the
only reason I'm still with him is because he provides
for his family very well. I'm comfortable and I'm scared
of
what people may say if I leave my husband. It's been
months since I've been
with my lover physically but I still seem to think
about him all the time. And I feel so bad for putting my
husband in the middle of this because he seems to always
get the cold shoulder because I have so many things
running through my head. I want to
fix my marriage and
get this other guy completely out of my life but I
don't know where to start. Can you please give me some
advice on what to do to begin that process?"
I can
totally appreciate what you are going through, and I
what I like about your email is when you say that "I
want to fix my marriage and get this other guy
completely out of my life.."
I think many experts have said that either you stop
bitching about things that you don't like and accept it
as they are or do something. The classic example is
if you are
fat. If you don't like to
lose weight and aren't
willing to diet
and exercise, then, stop complaining and
feeling
bad about your body -- just accept it and move on.
So it is great that you have finally concluded that you
want to
save your marriage (from what you tell me he is a
great guy) and
get over
the ex. Actually, you have to get over that guy in
order to fix your marriage.
I like to think that if you start comparing your spouse
to others there will always be someone better than him
or her. But if we start comparing and then
desiring that better person, there is nothing but pain,
because where do you stop. I am sure that your
husband has things that you hate or wish could be
better, and there is no way that he is ever going to
change, but at this point it maybe too late to do
anything. Now the
French can
have their lovers, but here in America, we just have
to learn to make the best of what we have. You found in
your lover
what your husband does not have but he is just a
sweet memory at this point. And yes, he may be an
awesome lover and give you the
best sex ever, but trust me, it is no guarantee that
he will be an
awesome husband if you could marry him today. We all
have our imperfections.
So how go about turning your life around?
The very first thing that you must do is to
throw
this lover of yours out of your life. If he
contacts you in any form, do not respond. If you have a
strong urge to write to him, do not. If you absolutely
must share something that
you can't share with anyone else, then write down your
thoughts in a diary.
The second thing that I want you to do is to
develop a list of all the things that you dislike about
your husband. It could be something as big
as his
cheating on taxes or something as small as not
changing his
undies daily. Once you look at that list you will
realize that what made you
pick him as your husband in the first place are
still valid
reasons to love him and
making your marriage work. The things that you
dislike are so small and insignificant that you can
ignore them as you did the the day you decided to
become his wife. And if you are still not sure if he
is a
good man and you are too good for him, then write
down a list of things that you do not like about
yourself and others have told you what those are. Again
these could be things as simple as
hairy legs or
fat on your thighs or your inability to
do much with
your career.
That should give you enough reason to pause and
recognize
how good a husband and father this man has been and
how you are better off than forgetting all those little
details that bother you about him and focusing on all
those things that he does as a loving husband and
dad. Trust me it is so hard to
find a
good man to marry and if you have one, just do what
you can to keep him rather than starting a quest to
find
another man who may not be anything like him. |
