Bruce
writes, "My
fiancé and I have been dating 3 years. She lives in
the USA and I in
Europe!
We have spent 6 months time physically together during
our total time together. She initially flew to
Europe to tell me she loved
me, and I have since gone out for 5 months. The last
visit was through
summer
for 3 months.
My problem is this! Every time we are apart things go
messy, and fall down through lack of reason. When we met
it was the best feeling in the world. We are both 41 and
had been through bad experiences before and felt we
really
had
found each other. Since then it’s been a constant
cycle of horrid separations and periods of trying to
work through things in person to move ahead. We both
confess to loving each other deeply, yet are
struggling with huge issues through
lack of self
awareness.
When she left the first time, it felt amazing that our
relationship had become so solid. But she went home,
and does have quite a few
male
friends, with whom she went to
shop
with,
go out
with and
have
meals with and socialize. I found it really hard
when she stopped at a male friend's house with him for
nearly a week. So I acted stupidly and got hugely
jealous
and let my
emotions run riot. I returned and we talked it over,
we felt loved still and I flew home.
I had my
issues of jealousy from past hurts, and she too was
also sadly
jealous of my female friends, and it started to
become a power struggle or one of going round-and-round.
But we both deep down wanted to love more and
work through it.
So it has been rather hard! I also respected her wishes
and went and got
therapy
for my feelings and actions and to try and become
more
self assured and confident. To
seek
advice and help and show her I was more than willing
to cooperate and compromise.
In these periods though, she does have timeouts. She
will go for weeks or days if we argue or have an issue
and then flatly refuse to
communicate. I find this unbearable and hard. I do
accept and know she gets unwell and
traumatized. Now we both state how much we love and
care about each other, we both want to eventually be
together. We both state how genuine and
faithful we are. I have in all of this remained true
to her and my word. I genuinely do not
desire anyone but her, nor does the thought even
occur despite the sadness at this mess.
So after I flew back a month ago, she rings me in a
rage, and threatens to end it again over another issue
of
jealousy. I knew she didn’t like a few
friends so
I removed them, saying I would put her first if that
matters most. But a friend had mailed to wish me a
happy
birthday and after I left she found out and was
not happy and demanded an explanation.
Prior to this and whilst there, she had told me one of
her male friends had been over to hers, but she didn’t
tell me as she knew it may provoke. I said I respected
that and left it. I realized her judgment was the better
one and being so far away at that time when he stayed,
did not disagree.
The issue is, she keeps on consistently telling me my
faults, the things I’ve done wrong. That I lied by not
telling her about this email. When she had not told me,
I understood. but as loving as we both are, there is
also an equal sense of
fear. Yet I have tried my best to offer suggestions,
and to say let's move forwards, let's drop the what ifs
and reach a
middle ground.
So after this argument, she
blew up
and then refused to talk. So as was agreed in her
counseling that I was to respect this, but in
fairness to me if we argued and took cool off time, we
were to agree a time limit. I said 2 days to a week was
fine, but more than 10 days or more was psychologically
very difficult for me. That if we fell out or needed
time out; it had to be fair to us both.
So I gave her 10 days and didn’t respond and then she
mailed to say thank you and we could talk. Then she said
she was tired, got a job and would talk tomorrow and I
could ring! Then she canceled and said the weekend, and
I could call! So I called as agreed and she emails to
say she still was not up to it. She’d been at a
festival and was tired and wanted to do
yoga
and we could arrange it in the week.
I think what annoyed me was she had said 3 times she was
willing and I had respected that and it felt like a
rebuff. So I left 2 voicemails and then sent 3 emails,
which though polite and controlled, only reminded her of
things. And so she sent me a rather angry response in
return.
I didn’t disagree with her needing
space, I have always done my best to agree with her
and accept her
needs, to fit in with her ideas and sacrifice my
own. But I do hate feeling ignored and it hurts me
emotionally. So I tried to explain that I see her side
of it all and do not have an issue, but I do hurt when I
have no idea when she will react and withdraw contact
and then leave it open-ended. She even agreed on this
time limit in her session. But she seems to change as
she reacts, which only confuses me more.
If however I try to point things out fairly, I am told
to get a grip of my emotions and deal with them. That I
am not respecting her boundaries. That she will talk
when she wants and I am to make no contact until she
wants this.
I am also aware I can do nothing to appease this, but
sit and feel hurt. But I feel invalidated. I see she
needs space, but I am left and reminded of how selfish I
am, how I disrespect her needs, and I have
emotional
issues that I need to control.
Funny enough she always ends her emails with I love you.
This only adds to the confusion for me too. So I really
do need to sit down think hard and decide how, if and
when she chooses to contact what to do and how to
approach this. To try a fresh and more giving way. And
maybe tell her I have boundaries too? But I never
realized love should be so full of terms and conditions.
All I want is for us to tackle the reasons we argue, to
find ways to cope. Another thing that upset me too, was
she said she wanted me to return next year and she’d
like to
marry
on that date. Then in her angry email after I had been
planning the wedding and saving money for it, and
working through ideas in silence, she tells me no it was
a possibility if I behaved.
I do relate to her
anger; I get
angry too. I will give her time as well but I dearly
desire her to make a decision on us being together and
loving and being more gentle. The constant blame, and
periods of silence and being told
what in my life is wrong or needs to be addressed is
really hard for me. I do genuinely believe she means
well.
I hurt so much, but I am not allowed to say so, she
tells me I’m childish and stomping my
feet like a 6 year old only really annoys her. So I
have to sit in silence. I don’t think she intends to end
it. Why would she bother to even write an angry
email, or ask for space on her terms? But I have reached
the end of my line and need some serious help here. I
will happily admit my faults and errors, but I do need
some serious direction on how to handle her."
How to handle a partner with
emotional problems?
-
Long
distance relationships are hard. While
email/phone/webcams
help, there is no substitute when you are sitting
face to
face. So much gets lost in electronic
communication and problems that are minor when you
are in front of one another get blown out of
proportion.
- Neither one of you should try to
control calendars of each other. If you cannot trust
each other in a
long distance relationship, it isn't worth it.
For either one of you, it is so
easy
to cheat, so it is stupid to try to stop it.
That will give each one of you space as well.
- You are both "old" and that means
that you both have very strong personalities,
baggage from past relationships, and firm
expectations from each other. Keep that in mind;
neither one of you is as flexible as couples in
their 20s are.
My suggestion would be that you think
it through and write down what you like about her and
the relationship and what you don't. Are the good things
so many and so powerful that they can override all the
negatives? If so, you
should consider
living
together rather than marriage so that you can work
on the minor differences before
tying the knot. On the other hand, if you realize
that you are both together for lack of a better
alternative but in reality are two very different
individuals with just a few similarities, then, you need
to make some decisions.
I like to believe that a relationship should give a
couple joy, pleasure, happiness, and hope and if that is
missing (which is the case for you), then you are better
off focusing your energy on
finding a new partner rather
than trying to fix what is not working.
Related:
Does my boyfriend love me
Is my
online boyfriend serious
Breakup due to constant fighting
Why is online dating not working for me |
