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Arthur has had a
very tough life so far (and particularly a very
troublesome childhood). He has been damaged to a point
that years of
loving relationship alone can
heal him and
make him into a 'normal' person who can realize his full
potential. He seems to have many great qualities: he
is sensitive, caring
emotional,
passionate, and really
committed to being a good person.
Tina, I don't still
know why you are with Arthur. If you are doing it
merely as an act of kindness, you are a great soul and
my hats off to you. If you love Arthur and want to
marry him, the situation is very complex and I will deal
with it in the next paragraph. If you don't know what
you are doing then you might be into trouble. While you
are with Arthur (who is married and does not want to
leave his wife) you are not
meeting another man and if
for any reason this
relationship comes to an end, what
will you have? Just
sweet memories of the
relationship. So I would like you to think this.
Arthur’s
marriage is
definitely a failure because if physical satisfaction
and an emotional bond are missing in a couple, they have
a real problem. Arthur wants to be with his wife not
because he feels fulfilled but because he thinks of it
as a moral issue, a responsibility, and an honorable
thing to do. While admirable, this is not going to help
anyone. Arthur's
feelings are divided between two
people. His
wife is being cheated upon (even though she
does not know this but someday she will or might).
Arthur’s
marriage is
broken; it is a
good time to think about a divorce. It
might be in the best interest of all, even though his
wife will lose a lot. But I cannot imagine you two
being together like this for too long. It is not a
workable situation for either of you. It is better if
the divorce is initiated right now because then
everything can be worked out amicably rather than when
his
wife founds out about his adultery. It will be an
ugly divorce at that point.
Arthur must
enjoy
himself when he is having sex with you. He is not able
to climax because he feels guilty. But then he
shouldn't do it. He is not being fair to himself or to
you. You both should either stop
being intimate or
enjoy yourselves thoroughly.
The only scenario
that can work for all and have a happy ending is if you
can merely think of your relationship with Arthur as a
way to heal him, to help him rise on his feet and become
normal, and then
go back to his wife forever. You can
help him realize his unfulfilled fantasies. You can
complete his
sexual desires that he has never been able
to so far with any other woman. You can help him
discover his true potential as a human being. He will still
need to
resolve all the issues with his wife that they
have in their relationship and I would suggest
therapy
for both of them.
You sound like
an angel to me and that is why I am personally concerned
about you. Arthur is a lost case and I have serious
doubts (considering that he has so many other problems
with his personality and does not want work on them with
the help of an expert) that he will make much
improvement. So whatever you are
doing is an act of
charity. I would strongly suggest that you set yourself
a time of X months and then try to
move on. As long as
you are there with him, even he will not move on. He is
with you because he is getting something from you that
his wife (and past relationships) did not give/are not
giving now. So he is getting what he needs and since he
is not the one to take bold decisions, lacks
confidence
and self-esteem, and is afraid of
divorcing yet another
woman, he will basically keep dragging you in his
messed up life.
Tina, this is not
the man for you for life or even for too long. Based on
my experience, I do expect that Arthur will make some
progress but it is best if he tries to work things out
with his wife as fast as he can or
moves on after a
divorce. It is pretty obvious that he has needs that
his current wife cannot fulfill and I don't see her
changing. So the person who has to change is Arthur and
you can help him do so by recognizing that we cannot get
everything that we
need from a marriage and we have to
learn to accept that reality. This is life. We never
get everything we want/need from a job or a
vacation or
a car or a
home. There is always something missing but
it is more important to enjoy what you get than to
complain about what you don't have.
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