| I sit
here and I ponder about my
childhood and I wonder is it my
childhood that has
caused me pain of being alone not having my mother or
father completely. The reason I feel this way is
because at a young age of 12, I believe my mother told
me I had to be the man of the family due to the fact my
father
drank so much. I never felt I had his attention or
even my mother's because they fought just about all the
time. The crying and yelling each evening was more than
I could bear -- there was no escape from it. I had to
take my mother's side and comfort her many nights till
she
fell asleep. I had to take a role with her to
support her and I found myself alone not knowing what
each day would bring. My brother is two years younger
than I am and yet he was left out of the equation and I
had the responsibility of standing up for my mom and
helping her through this.
I never felt that my father accepted
me and he only put me down saying I was acting like a
child if I watched
cartoons
at the age of 13. Once he called me a
fag and said my
eating
habits were that of a
woman who was pregnant. He would throw my mom's
clothes away and I would take them back out of the trash
for her. He said terrible things and yet would never
remember the next day. I always found myself alone.
This
loneliness has followed me all through my life into
my
first marriage where I never felt I had my wife's
attention and our
sex life
was very boring and I felt that
without
sex she had no love for me -- it was rejection for
me. My father expected my mother to always
give him
sex and if not they fought about it. It is the only
time he paid any attention to her. I wonder if that is
what I felt with my first wife and I wonder if I was a
failure in that marriage and pushed her away because I
wanted sex
too much. She said I had a
sexual problem and we went to
counseling. It made me feel alone and a failure
because I was a problem and I was
ruining the
marriage. We divorced 5 months later and two years
later she called me wanting to
get back together and yet all the same problems
surfaced and the
relationship ended.
I met my second wife
and we married 2 years later but I got
engaged to her just after 2 weeks of
dating. I felt that it was important for me to marry
her so I would not lose her. In this relationship as the
last the same problems occurred when the
sex started going down. I felt lonely, scared and
not loved. I fought and fought to keep that from
happening, forcing the issue of
wanting
sex. I wanted to watch the
naughty videos, have her
dress up.
I believe I scared her away from
sex. Now the thing about my wife is she is not a
sexual person -- she doesn't get excited but she
does love me and at times she does try to
have sex
with me. This lack of
attention in the marriage has made it tough and I
regret it is what has
caused me to cheat. I don't want to feel alone. I
don't want to have an empty feeling in myself and yet I
don't want to
cheat on my wife anymore -- it tears me apart and I
feel terrible doing it.
The
woman I'm
involved with at work has provided me the security
that I so need and seek but yet because I didn't let her
completely into my life, I also
cheated on
her which I'm very much ashamed of and regret.
Together now we are working through it and I want to
earn
her trust back and for her to believe in me. I feel
confused and I want to do the right thing in my life and
that is to find out who I am and why I feel so alone.
I have also been
afraid of being better than my father and brother. I
look up to them I'm afraid to
make more money than them or to do more than them.
I'm 33 years old and I feel like my life has been a
failure that I never
grew up and became a man. I feel like a little boy
inside who is scared and wants to escape from the world
and not take it on headfirst. I hope that you can shed
some light on this. I want to become a
good man, a man that has no feeling of being alone.
The woman I share my
feelings with and cry with has been very supportive of
me and gives me a feeling of calmness and hope. I'm
committed to my marriage and do not wish to leave it
but yet I do not wish for my wife to know of any of
this. We are going to
church
and I'm trying to turn my life over to
God and I hope that will bring me a sense of peace
of mind. When my lover and I have
physical intimacy it is incredible. I feel whole and
complete and happy but yet she is not mine and I begin
to feel guilty later and alone and scared that I have to
come home and face my lies of what I do. She and I are
working through this. She does not wish for me to leave
my wife and I don't wish that either. I know this may
seem twisted but I love my wife and I don't want to
leave her but I feel she needs to know my needs and
understand them.
There are times I
wish I could go back to being a child when life was
simple or least in someway it was. I just felt that I
never really got to enjoy childhood or
teenage
life and sometimes I think that I'm still that kid
inside longing to come out. Being 33, I feel like I
have never ever grown up into being a man. What is being
a man is my question: is it
money, honor, respect; just what is it really?
I look at my
brother
in law and I feel he is more of a man than I am and I
feel intimidated when I'm around him. When I'm in large
crowds I feel at times what I have to say is not
important and I will sit back and just listen. I did
this as a child and
teenager. When family came over I would just go into
my room and lock the door. I felt that I was not part of
the
conversations. Even today when we all get together
I just shut down and say nothing and let everyone else
talk. I don't participate. Although lately in the past
few months I've put more of an effort into talking and
participating more.
I know growing up my
father didn't like my friends and didn't care for them
to come over which made things rough on all of us. If
they did come over, he was
drunk and would just
fight with my mom until they
had to leave or we all just went over to their house.
Life on my street
was not always kind during the
summer.
Other kids always picked us on and once a very large kid
sat me on and when I got up I was crying. I felt ashamed
for not being able to defend myself. I wanted to fight
but he said forget it you big crybaby. They would
follow us to our house and call my mom names and I
wanted to defend her so bad but there were to many. The
police were called often but nothing helped. They would
be nice at times and later pick on us. As the years went
by I had a lot of anger towards them and hatred because
I never stood up to them.
My brother and I
became
taller and stronger and eventually they left us
alone but for six years I had to endure this every
summer. Today when people do things I feel like that
kid inside angry and mad and not able to get back at
them. They even let our birds out of the cage and we
lost them. There was no need for that. What did I do to
them nothing never and yet I was picked on?
When I got into
junior high I dealt with the same thing and as years
went by it no longer happened. Only twice did I defend
myself and they left me alone. I've never wanted to
fight because I fear what I'm capable of doing to
someone -- really hurting them. I've always told myself
if I fight it would be for life and
death
and for the protection of my loved ones. My father
never said anything to these bullies and never stood up
for us as he was to busy drinking and fighting with my
mom. Once the fighting got so bad he grabbed his
gun
and threatened to shoot himself so we ran out of the
house. Getting locked out of the house was normal. He
would get drunk and then just forget about us. I feel
like it was just yesterday at times when I think about
it. Many nights we spent at the
mall
hoping he would fall asleep. There was never a sense of
calmness or peace - just anger and yelling and
confrontation. I wished for my parents to
divorce when I was 12 but my mom wouldn't do it. I
begged her. Sometimes I view the world as an empty cold
place and that one day it will all be gone. I felt empty
and alone during all those years never understanding
what was going on and why. Why my parents never showed
love in front of us why they never went and did anything
together. I saw other parents
ride bikes and
have fun and I wished mine did that. Sometimes it
is hard for me to have a connection to anything because
I'm afraid of failure, being alone, or
rejection. When I
listen to music that
relaxes me I become calm and peaceful inside and I
see clearly. Sometimes I feel that when God comes I
will be one of the few left on this planet to help
others find him. I've always thought this - don't
know why.
First off, let me
explain that again I
love
my wife and that I wish to stay with her because I feel
for me it is the right thing to do. Now even though my
wife is
not a very sexual person and although my current
lover gives me what I need - the
stress and turmoil afterwards is sometimes too much
for me to deal with. I feel very guilty afterwards. I
expressed to her today we are like an island of fire
with water around us putting out our flame because what
we share is hard under the circumstances. I know that
if Tina and I stay strong and do not share in any
physical needs it will be tough for us and I was
wondering if we choose to do this, how do we cope with
it? She has been very supportive of me and I believe she
will continue to be so. In a
sexual way she
makes my every desire come true and makes me feel
alive. I do feel bad that my wife doesn't do this for
me only because she is not at my level. I need to
understand how am I to walk away from what fulfills me
so but I feel that my
marriage must survive and I must
stay
with my wife because for me it is the right thing to
do. Tina is a woman with real feelings and needs and I
can't always stay at her level because I think of my
marriage.
Today Tina and I
shared each other again physically and I bought her
lace leggings. It was very incredible but yet I
didn't want to
climax because I feel guilty afterwards. This has
been a problem for me over and over. I'm feeling better
about myself and with all this writing that I do each
time I begin to feel that less of a burden I bear. I'm
just wondering how is that I will continue my marriage
and yet have these feelings for Tina. We both know the
limitations and she understands that I want to
keep my marriage but we both have a basic need.
I sit back and I
ponder what I fear or what I'm scared of the most. I
know that Tina has expressed that I have to look at
this. I think the biggest fear of mine is to be alone
and of failure. I'm really trying to look at myself to
see what my fears are and to
deal with them and not be afraid of talking about my
fear.
I wanted to express
that she and I are working hard at being strong and
although we have our moments where we cannot resist each
other, I believe we are still being strong. We have
decided that once a week we will try to
be physical. Now the problem with me is that I
don't always
want to climax because I feel like each time I do I
chip away at my marriage. That may seem odd to hear
after all this. Now earlier this week we had
sex and I
did climax and I didn't want to and I felt bad. I
know it must be my conscious inside of me that makes me
feel this way.
We are really
working on being strong but we are both are weak, but
yet we both see strengths in each other. How do we
handle our desires even though we know it is difficult
under the circumstances with me
being married and wanting to
keep my marriage?” |
