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Becky: I
stayed up all night with Pete, he's probably going to
end up making the decision for me pretty soon here
ME: What kind
of decision?
Becky: Well,
he's tired of being jerked around, and I'm just frozen
in place, he's tired of having his feelings hurt and I
don't blame him, makes it hard for me to beg him to
stick around when I know it would be very selfish of
me. I can't give an answer and I’m still
fighting with
Steve, the 3rd is the deadline I set down a long time
ago to make up my mind, and I’m not any closer to an
answer than I was. It's just that Steve is very
controlling, we got into an argument last night on the
phone, and as usual, I wanted to get off the phone
because I was getting to a point where I was just going
to fight, he seems to feel better if he can rile me up
enough to yell, and he wouldn't let me off the phone. I
told him he was controlling me, he said I was
controlling him by not allowing him to speak his mind;
if I had hung up he just would have driven to my house.
ME: You need
a break from both men at least 90 days; just nothing to
do with these two or any other men. What do you think?
Becky: I
think that would be very nice, but I don't think it's
possible, Pete would respect that, but Steve would go
ballistic, I’d never get away with that
ME: Steve is
abusing
you and you have to stand up for your rights as a human
being and as a woman; you will sorry to
marry
him, he is not the man for you.
Becky: I
know, and I know this sounds ridiculous, but when things
were good, before I did anything to cause any bad
feelings or mistrust, besides consuming my every waking
moment, he was exceptionally kind, I guess I just want
that back. I know
he's not for me, but I’m afraid he
will never have a happy life with anyone, but I also
know that I will resent him if I stay for that reason. I
had no idea what to do when I met Pete and he gave me
free reign, didn't know what to do with it, my
dad
was so proud of me when I left for Pete’s, now he won't
speak to me, military girls are not doormats.
ME: I am
saying the same thing:
stop being
abused.
Becky: I
destroyed my life to go out to Pete, I left my job of 6
years, everything's gone, I’m afraid to do it again, it
sapped me to do it the first time, I don't have the
spine right now to fight anymore
ME: Yes, you
need a break Becky; you really need to figure out what
you want from your life, first. And then you need to
figure out
what kind of a man fits in and then
find the right man. Steve is not the man for you
Becky: How am
I going to do this? I only got away with it the first
time because I just left spur of the moment and
got on a
plane, I know Pete would let me stay with him and
leave me alone, but that's not right, but if I stay in
this state, I’m screwed
ME: I was
saying that you assume too many things. You are a
grown up smart woman, you will be just fine, you
need to
take control of your life, you are giving control to
others, and that is not good at all, others will use you
this way.
Becky: So you
think I should stay in my hometown for now? Or do you
think I should leave the state?
ME: Yes be
brave, stay where you are, you have the right to do so
and hold your head high. You have done nothing wrong,
you have simply decided to
take control of your life, and there is nothing
wrong with that. Men will come and go but you got to be
in control.
Becky: What
about Pete? He’s been so kind and he's just eaten up his
own time and effort trying to help.
ME: There is
an old saying that if you love someone just let it go,
if they truly love you they will come back, otherwise
they really didn't love you. Right now YOU are more
important than Pete. So tell him politely that you need
time to just take control of your life and he is free to
do whatever he wants and in 90 days you can get together
for a drink to see where you both are and it might be
Pete, or if not, there are other men around in this
world.
Becky: I
don't want Pete to resent me, and I'm afraid that in the
end he will, I think I see a little now, but not much,
but I know you're right, I think he'd feel better about
it though if I weren't with Steve
ME: Yes,
there are times Becky when you have to watch out for
yourself and be a little selfish. I think you think
less of YOU and more of others. Pete is not a kid that
you are abandoning, he is a
grown up man that you are
not basically
dumping. All you want is a little time for yourself
so that you can think of what you want to do and how and
you cannot do that if you have two men to deal with, you
need to be alone.
Becky: Okay,
I don't know how quickly I can get that done, but I will
follow your advice.
ME:
Good.......I am happy to hear that.....Becky you have
given too much and received too little. It is time for
you to say that you want to
live life on your own terms, and
yes, there will be
a man but you will
pick the man and
have
the relationship so that you have as many rights as
he does. You just cannot be treated like a doormat as
you said before.
People will abuse you if you let them
do it and you have essentially allowed Steve to mistreat
you. It has to stop. The problem is with you Becky and
you can fix it to
become a totally new woman.
Becky: I
could always use my college credits to get into the
officers training candidate school and enlist.... that’s
something I sorely want to do
ME: Hey now
you are talking....I like it. You are still young, you
can go places, Becky. You don’t have to be
stuck with a
loser like Steve because you feel sorry for him.
You are not running a
charity. This is about your
life. You can always do charity work later.
Becky: Yes, I’m
scared, but I get it, I just hate seeing someone hurt.
Tat's kind of what my family does...the whole, "what
doesn't kill you makes you stronger" thing. Pete’s
whole thing was that Steve was better off without me to
bother him, he
dropped weight, started working more, HAD to
interact with people for support, but I keep worrying
that he'll just become an unhappy sorry man with no
aspirations for himself. That's what my mind always
wanders to.
ME: If he
wants your help and is nice about him you guys can still
be friends so that once in a while you can give him the
support that he might need it but it seems that you have
not been able to help him all that much in 10 years.
I think you just have to let him go.
Becky: You're
right, now to approach it and take care of it, I know
this sounds sick, but I have been waiting for him to do
it, which he never will, or for him to just lose it and
smack me or something so I can fly into enemy mode or
something.
ME: No just
be calm. Tell him that you want to
move
on to bigger and better things and you just would
like to let go of him. No need to fight, no blaming, no
bad words, and no going back. The decision is final.
Becky: Do you
think he's a bad person?
ME: No, he is
just a person who does not know how to value another
human being and that might count as bad I guess. To me
human beings are more important than anything else and
if you hurt another human you are a bad person and Steve
has hurt you.
Becky: Do you
think he will learn anything from this?
ME: I hope so... and
hopefully change his life too for better. He needs a
shock and you can give it to him. He has taken you for
granted because you let him. |
