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Courtney
writes, "Last week, I got worried when my
man
disappeared (said he was away for work when he returned)
and sent emails asking if he was OK, which he said were
paranoid and he got mad. He ignored me for a week. I got
sick of it and finally called him yesterday - at work
(only place he can be contacted now). He was annoyed. He
said he loved me, and this wasn't about me. I asked if
we
broke up. He said no. I asked if he was thinking in
that direction. He said "a little bit." Because his life
sucks (he is
overseas now and in about six months will
end up stationed in the US but very far from me, and I
can't relocate. The new assignment is apparently really
horrible and he's dreading it), and a
long-distance
relationship was killing him with all the negatives of a
relationship and none of the perks. But he said he
wasn't
breaking up with me (yet). I asked him to please
not
give up on this and if he could discuss this through
email with me tomorrow, I'd appreciate it. He said he'd
try. Before we got off the phone, we both said 'I love
you.'
This morning, I got an email telling
me first off that he loves me, but then blasting me for
making the phone call yesterday, saying I cornered him,
wasn't respecting him, etc. He says this is part of the
problem with the long distance relationships (making me
think he may be warning me to do things his way or he's
out of here). At the end, he said he doesn't know what
to do, needs time to think, and hopes I can respect
that. I replied apologizing profusely for calling,
cornering, nagging, pushing, and anything else I could
possibly have done wrong, then thanked him for being
clear about needing time, and I would respect that.
I know I can't call, email, or contact him for right
now. But I'm so upset about this. He's had two
opportunities in the last week to
end things with me,
and instead has said he loves me and doesn't know what
to do. I know this man very well, and we have called off
communication as
friends in the past. He has no problem
saying "I don't want to talk to you anymore" and doesn't
sugarcoat with "I love you." So what is going on? Do you
think my email will go over well paired with not
contacting him at all? Do you think he's going to give
up on us? We were
married years ago, and
friends for
years after. This is kind of our last chance. "Overseas"
means he is assigned there. He is not
in combat. He's in
a safe place where he lives in an apartment and works in
an office. Also, our
divorce happened when we were
very
young, for very immature reasons. We have had a 7 year
long friendship to follow it."
Remember
that men can say things that they don't mean just to
make a woman happy or to get her off their backs. So
saying "I love you" if not accompanied by a whole lot of
other words and actions may not always mean much.
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Secondly, this poor man maybe genuinely confused about
this. Maybe he wants it but other things might scare him
to death. I am sure you too have been in situations that
you just can't decide either way and till then you stop
yourself from taking any decisions. He is in a state of
indecision and has been paralyzed by his inability to
take a decision one way or the other. |
And no one likes to be pushed around. There is a
possibility that the pressure from you to decide and
most likely decide to have a relationship with you is
pushing him to the point of turning away from you.
What can you do?
It is a very delicate situation but this is what I
suggest. Do not contact him and let him come back to
you. However, since I do not believe in waiting forever,
give yourself whatever time you feel comfortable. It
could be 2 weeks or a month or even 3 months. At that
point, you must move on for your sanity. Life is too
short to try to drag others with you. At that point send
him a polite note that you are moving on without him and
so should he.
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