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| I am having second thoughts after proposing
I am no longer sure if I want to marry my fiancée
| Summary: Since marriage
is such an important step in one's life it is natural to
feel scared and doubtful till the last moment.
This is good because it forces us to think it through
since divorce is not a desirable outcome. Read
below the case of a teenager who proposed to his
girlfriend in a moment of passion and is now at a point
of breaking up the engagement. |
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Raymond
writes, "I'm a 19 year old
man who proposed to his girlfriend on the
fourth of July on stage in front of the entire
town. We've been
best friends since
freshman year in high school. She
broke up with her long-term boyfriend in
senior year, we
hung out, went to
prom,
started
dating, had a
WONDERFUL relationship. We've had some
problems with me
looking at pictures of girls on Myspace and
Facebook, didn't talk, just looked at some
girls' profiles. Now I'm not so sure if I'm
ready to be married. I'm moving to another
college, about 1.5 hours away, and we were going
to
get married to move in because her family
will disown her if she doesn't. I'm
not sure now if I want to be married... or
for her to
move in. I want to be with her, but I find
myself looking at other girls. I don't
flirt or talk or anything, just look. Am I a
bad person for that? And I realize that I have 6
more years of college, I'm going to medical
school hopefully, and I don't know who I'll
meet. We have nothing
wrong in our relationship. If I told our
story, it would be like a
fairy tale...
high school sweethearts, now
engaged. But I don't think I'm ready. If I
marry her OR she moves in even I'll wonder about
what could have happened, but if we see other
people we'll
break-up and I'll wonder why I let her slip
through my fingers. I don't want to see anyone
else but right now I'm not thinking clearly." |
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| He
continues, "Also, she doesn't like
drinking... AT ALL! and I want to be a guy still. I
never drank, but I want to some... responsibly...
but still, I want to know what it's like to be tipsy...
and she doesn't restrict me from
hanging
out with my friends, but she doesn't have many and I
feel bad, though she says I can see mine anytime I want.
I'm also a
heavy metal fan, and would like a
band, but we had a bad experience with
drug addicts at the show and she won't go anywhere
else with me, even a
club. We're both 19, she's six days older than I,
but
I don't think I'm ready to grow up... but I don't
want to
lose the Love of My Life... Can you give me some
advice, wisdom, anything?" |
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What you are
going through is so natural for a 19 year old. Experts are
now recommending that
marriage at this age is a terrible idea and
couples
who marry young are more likely to divorce because they
are simply too young to appreciate all the
complexities of married life and the challenges that lie
ahead. It is also not uncommon for these couples to
regret getting married so early and missing out on all
the fun that single
college students and young professionals can do. Having
said that, chances are that your parents and definitely your
grandparents
married young and were
married for decades without any problem. So you can do
it and this is how:
- The choices exist only when you
admit they do. That is why even
men who marry much later in life do look at other women
or have sex with them and maybe even
get a divorce. Choices and temptations come at every
stage in
marriage and in everyone's mind, but the key is to
fight them. You will need to fight them now as much as
you will if you
marry at 30 or even later.
- Merely looking at other women is
not a problem because after all we are curious
animals (and probably
polyamorous) and I tell women who feel bad about it
to just chill out. It becomes a problem only when you
completely
abandon
your wife and dedicate yourself fully to looking at
other girls.
- Regarding some of the things that she
is not, trust me, she will change in some ways, but not
all. The best way to think about is that the
perfect person does not exist and you will never
find anyone about whom you will like everything. In
any case, I am sure if I ask her, she probably does not
like a dozen things about you. The key here is to
respect her choices but hopefully she will change over
time as many partners do. So you both should discuss
these differences, learn to appreciate them, set some
ground rules, trust each other, and still have a
beautiful marriage.
- Marriage is hard work every single
day and it does not matter at what age you get
married.
Marriage means sacrifices and compromises but if you
have a
good
marriage, it can be the
biggest source of happiness in your life. As someone
in his 40s and married for 15 years, I can tell you that
it is
not money nor fame nor job that will give you
real
happiness; it is
being married to a woman who loves you and you love
her.
You may not be the only one going through
these emotions right now. Talk to her and find out if she is
going through similar fears and doubts. After all she is
your best friend. Once you talk these things through,
chances are that you will figure out a way to deal with
them.
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| Related:
I am having second thoughts about my engagement
I proposed too soon
How to seduce an engaged man
I feel trapped in my marriage |
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