Recently
a
long-term relationship of mine came to a screeching
halt. We dated for about two and a half years during
college. Though we were
never officially engaged, I had
given
her a ring with a semi-precious stone until I could
afford the real thing. Also, we had plans to
get
married when we could live without support from our
parents.
Everything seemed fine but, out of nowhere, she decided
to
end our relationship by
flirting
with the other men there. When I asked her about it,
she merely said she wasn't in love with me anymore and
wanted to be a "free spirit." Side note: she's
going abroad for
graduate school but we've been
long
distance before.
What really confuses me is that she says she has felt
this way for several months. During this time we
traveled all across the US on a
road trip together. She never once mentioned her
feelings. We even talked about
getting married at some of the locations. Nothing
ever seemed wrong between us.
I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that our
relationship is over but the way it ended has really
made me question whether there was something there to
begin with. Even her
best friend isn't sure what
happened. Everyone is confused with what happened.
I'd really like to call her and attempt to get an answer
or two but I'm afraid it will open a Pandora's box. I
want to
move on but I can't help but keep asking, What
happened? What did I do wrong?
I really appreciate your response back. It's helpful to
talk to someone. To be honest, just writing down the
situation is therapeutic. Anyway, I'll try and give some
more background to clear things up.
My
ex and I met during college at a
party. We had
seen
each other around campus but never really spoken until
that moment. Originally, it was just supposed to be a
short term fling as she was heading to
Germany to study
abroad for the summer and then to
India for the fall.
After the
second or third date she actually told me she
wasn't looking for a
long term relationship, just a
fling.
The night before she left to go abroad is when I said
that I loved her. I think it was about two months after
we first started dating. The funny thing is is that I
apologized for saying it. We were not supposed to get
serious but I've never really been good with
instructions. Anyway, she laughed at me and said that
she loved me as well. I think we texted each other just
about everyday and she sent multiple letters from
overseas. We were together for about a month in between
her trip to Germany and the
India trip. That was when we
decided we wanted to
get married.
Even though we had
plans to marry, the stipulation was
that it would be after we were
financially independent
of our parents. I received quite a few letters from her
signed with her first name and my last name. I think I
might be one of the few guys that loves
commitment
instead of being afraid of it. Anyway,
she was in
India for four months before returning to the
USA and to be honest, everyday made me more and more
sure that we were destined to be together.
After she returned we unofficially
moved in together. I
lived on the campus of the college and she had an
apartment. Though I never had any clothes at her
apartment I did have toiletries, a key, a parking spot
and everything else that goes along with living
together. We figured that it was as good a time as any
to find out if we could stand each other. Though we had
our differences, it seemed perfect.
In retrospect, the closer to graduation, the more things
unraveled. I didn't notice it at the time though. We
spent most of our time together,
eating, studying,
relaxing. I wouldn't say that either of us were sick of
each other but the
fire that once defined our
relationship definitely began to wane. Small things
would
stress her out and she'd snap at some of the
simplest actions. I remember putting my
feet on one of
her living room chairs and it was as if I had defaced
the
Mona Lisa.
Perhaps I was foolish for acting this way but I'd always
let her rant rather than snap back. It did bother me how
even small things became huge problems with her but I
always figured that I'd rather bite my tongue and let
her vent than create a huge argument. I never wanted her
to feel like she did something wrong or that she was
inferior in some way.
The month before graduation she was accepted into a grad
school program in the
UK. I was incredibly proud of her
and made sure to tell her that but she simply became
stressed out about it. Our
love life turned into me
wishing there was a
Viagra for women. Again, I never
said anything (which I'm 100% sure at this point was
unhealthy) because I never wanted her to
feel insecure
or
feel bad about herself. My family at home has an
awful way of being very
hypercritical in almost a wicked
fashion and I was not going to fall into that same trap
even if it meant
sex sometimes less than once per week.
After graduation things became worse and worse but
sometimes better and better. It was like the good became
great but the bad became awful. I didn't noticed at the
time but the pilot light of our relationship was just
about gone. I loved seeing her and being with her but
things weren't as exciting as they used to be.
In June she went to
Disneyworld with her family on
vacation. During the
breakup talk, this is when she said
the breakup "clicked" though she never explained why. We
continued to live together, seemingly
happy, and
actually took a 10 day road trip to
Los Angeles from
Dallas. I was moving for work and she wanted to make an
adventure out of it. We visited
Santa Fe, explored the
mountains, spent a night at the Grand Canyon, etc. It
should have been
incredibly romantic, but again, there
was an ominous feeling. I assumed it was
stress for the
both of us.
While on the trip we actually discussed a
honeymoon to
some of the locations, or at the very least, getting
married there. It seemed appropriate at the time. Our
dream had always been to elope to
Las Vegas at the
Elvis
Presley chapel. We spent several days in
Los Angeles
searching for
apartments and doing things that couples
do such as pick out plates and silverware for my new
apartment, went to the
beach, and talked about how great
life was going to be.
After the trip, I went on
vacation with my own family to
Mexico. We spoke everyday on the
phone just like we
always had. One night I became very intoxicated and
called and told her I wanted to
get married on the beach
instead of Vegas. She was absolutely silent. It was very
uncharacteristic since we had talked about that before
as well. I apologized repeatedly for making her feel
uncomfortable but, for whatever reason, it didn't click
that something was wrong.
I got back from
Mexico on the 31st and the plan was for
her to meet me that night since we hadn't seen each
other for over a week. A common friend of ours was
having a party that very next day. She never drove up
though and it wasn't until late that night that she
mentioned she decided to stay home until the morning.
She did say that she was going to meet me at my house
before going to the
party. The next day, however, she
called and said she was going to straight to our friends
house. I wasn't feeling well and said I would nap before
going to the party myself.
The party started at 8pm and I got there at about
8:30pm. When I arrived, she gave me a
peck on the lips
and disappeared. It was as if I didn't exist.
Admittedly, I was a bit standoffish because she hadn't
bothered to tell me she we weren't going to see each
other until that night but rather than confront me, she
did something I didn't think I'd ever see happen. She
began
flirting with all of the other men at the
party,
and I mean all of them.
For whatever reason, I stood there dumbfounded, like I
was a zombie or something and watched. I wanted to go
over there and ask what was happening but I simply could
not think. To be honest, I'm not sure I was
even fully conscious. What really got to me, is that one
of the men asked me how I knew her, if we went to school
together. She didn't even tell them we were together.
Finally, at the end of the night I asked why she was
acting the way she was and she said something I'll never
forget. "I've been thinking about
stuff, epic stuff." At
that point I told her that I loved her and that I needed
to leave.
I spent the night with a buddy of mine with whom she had
divulged all the details of our
breakup before she even
talked to me about it. He explained things and I spent
most of the night crying. The next morning we went to
breakfast and spoke. Really, I filled in the gaps and
she just sat there explaining how she can't be tied down
and needed to be
committed to the only
real important
person, herself. I had given her a pre-engagement ring,
or promise ring, and when I saw she wasn't wearing it I
knew what was going on.
She couldn't explain why she waited for two months to
tell me that her feelings for me just clicked off and
she also couldn't explain why she would embarrass me in
front of all of those people. Honestly, had she wanted
to get back together I would have said yes. At this
point, I'd probably say no.
What really kills me is that I feel betrayed. I devoted
two years to our relationship and was willing to devote
a lot more. Before we met I didn't believe in fate. A
month ago I did. It seemed like everything was so
perfect. We made so many promises to each other, so many
plans, so many dreams and they all just blew away with
the wind it seems like. Perhaps the most difficult part
for me is that a friend of ours had her
boyfriend break
up with her for similar reasons two weeks prior. My
girlfriend commented how awful she
thought it was and said the words "I could never do that
to you." Now, I feel like everything we ever had might
have been a sham. I don't want to, but it's made me
second guess all of it.
I don't think I'm over her yet but I'm ready to
move on.
It's been very upsetting but the hardest thing has not
been being single but rather wondering if there was
something that I could have done differently, if
maybe I had acted some other way it wouldn't have
happened. I put my entire life into our relationship and
was willing to do anything to make it work out. Truly,
if someone had given me the choice between her and the
ability to walk, I would have chosen her.
Perhaps this wasn't the best way to act in a
relationship but I always made sure to give her the
space she needed while supporting her at the same time.
Though we were together a lot I'd never oppose
spending
time with our own circle of friends.
I'm just really confused as to what happened between us.
I don't want to second guess myself but I can't seem to
help it. Are these
memories real? When we were in love,
was it really love? Did I do something wrong? Could I
have been better? The biggest question of all: what
happened?
I was originally planning on writing a letter to her but
wrote one to her parents instead, thanking them for how
kind and generous they were. Admittedly, I wrote it in
part so that maybe her parents might wonder
why she made the choice she made but mostly, it was for
closure.
I suppose I do want answers from her, I'm just not sure
that it'd really help. She told my friend she wants to
be a free spirit in Europe which I presume means being
able to date around. We had actually talked about that
and I said I didn't mind her
being with other men, it
was a sort of
fantasy of mine.
Maybe I misunderstood
where our relationship was going
but it seemed so sure and now, it's gone. One year ago
we were actually in Vegas and contemplated just eloping
anyway and dealing with independence later.
Now, I'm
single. Life may be a lesson but I'm not sure
what this one is telling me.
Writing this story down in detail has really helped me
feel better. I'm sure it's made a lot of people feel
better as well.
*****
It
happens all the time and you are not alone in going
through this. Since you keep mentioning education, I am
guessing that you are still in your 20s. We all have
experiences of this kind because when
people are in
their 20s or even early 30s, they do not often know what
they really want.
Love and marriage seem like the most
romantic things in life and people do say things that
they do not mean because it makes one feel good.
Human being are very complex creatures and we often do
and say things that are not honest. We are all very
selfish creatures. And I do not mean to imply that she
is a mean person but the reality is that she did not
mean many things that she either said or let you believe
even though she knew that you should not believe those
things.
I think she wants to
explore the world and other men
without the pressure of having you. In this century, we
have reached a point in the US where we want to keep
exploring for that one
ideal partner till the day we
can't find it and then marry the first person that we
can find at that point of desperation.
The best thing to do at this point is to move on. I am
sure that you have some
sweet memories to savor and
others that you would want to forget. You are still
young and as you
date other women you will discover a
lot more about you and women in general. Each experience
in life is an opportunity to learn and become smarter.
As you will go along in life all this will help you deal
with situations better.
I think as you think about these issues over the coming
months, maybe some answers will come naturally, and
others never will, but you will definitely learn that we
are all very complex creatures and as we go along in
life we need to be aware of that. |
