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Online
relationships can sometimes be problematic
Be
careful and do your research before going too far
This
was a situation that was presented to her in our Romance
Advice service. From time to time, we select a
few to share with a wider audience. All names and
places have been changed to hide the identity of the
individuals but the overall case remains
unchanged. John is in his early 40s and lives in
the United States.
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She is single, Japanese, educated, and lives
in Tokyo. She is an only child, does not want children, wants to
travel, and is looking for a long-term relationship and a
marriage partner
according to her profile at a very popular online dating website (She has been a member for about four years and was still listed as single in her
profile). In our communications, she has
always been considerate and we have done the
usual things that most people in a
cyber-relationship do - exchange lots of
emails, send photos and talk about stupid
things. Since I was looking for a
serious relationship rather than something
casual, I sent her an e-mail telling her gently that I wanted to be the
one to be her shoulder to lean on, hold her in my arms to make
her feel safe from the crazy world we live in and that I was not playing with her heart or mind. I also closed off my
profile (tips
on writing your personal ad), gave her my
home address and phone number to call me if she needed someone to talk to or
help with something. I asked for her phone number so I could call her and
her address so that I could send her
flowers, gifts,
etc. I also asked her out on a date (in
Tokyo - I was willing to fly there) with her friends so that we could meet face to face and so that she would feel
comfortable and in public not at risk by someone she just
met on the Internet. Since then three weeks have gone by and I have heard nothing. I only wanted to show her that I
was going to be true to her and that my word
was good and that I was trustworthy. |
 I
have worked so hard to get my life right, a good job,
and all that is missing is a woman in my
life. After meeting her I even started
to dream of a traditional Japanese wedding (kimonos, sharing of
sake, etc.) in Japan, and to live the rest of my life with her cultural
influences in our everyday lives (if you are
interested in a marriage or a long-term
committed relationship, rather than casual
romance, read
our article on finding a spouse). I just thought that I was trying to
get this relationship to be a little more real between. I am not
desperate and I don't
have to get married next week but I know I don't
want to be alone anymore and that I have a lot to offer.
It's just that the silence hurts and I think about her every day now and I want to be with her so much
so that she will see face to face that I have not lied to her and that I
think she is beautiful, special, that I love her, and that I know we can work this out if we only communicate. I
accept the
responsibilities that come with marriage, and I am not scared of making concessions or living every day
with someone new. The only thing I am scared of is that for the first time
in over six years I can see the end of the dream as reality not just the
dream itself.
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My questions are: Should I go to Japan and tell her when I get there that I am in
Tokyo? Am I wasting my time? Did I scare her off?
Is she trying my patience since I told her that I am not a quitter?
Am I looking desperate? I am not desperate, I don't have to get married next week, but I do
need a relationship to be real, not fantasy, and
God knows I feel I would be the luckiest man in the world if we get married!
(Related:
Online dating mistakes)
MYNIPPON Team Advice
(1) The fact
that she has been single for 4 years after
listing her profile in a
popular dating website sounds
strange - if you do not already know, many
people these days are not really looking for
serious romance when they sign up on the
personals websites. Once she does find a
wonderful person like you who wants to give what she is
supposedly looking for, she does not respond
for 3 weeks. A big red flag here!
(2) Japanese women (in particular) are
known to break off friendships/relationships
without warning and without even any hope of
finding them again (even if the relationship
reaches a point that you have her phone
number, she will either not respond or block
you or even change phone numbers - we have
heard this from our members a million times).
The reason typically given is that Japanese do
not like to hurt other people but for those
who are not Japanese, this can be very painful
and frustrating.
 (3) Looks like you are more excited
about her than she is - or at least at this
point. So please slow down. We are
fully convinced that it will be a big shock
for her if you simply showed up in Tokyo and
asked her for a date. Well first of all,
let us hope that she responds to you (and has not disappeared altogether) and if she does,
then this is what you should do. Unless
you have already said that your company will
never send you to Japan, make up an excuse
like that - say that your company is trying to
do some business in Japan and no one was
available to make the trip so you offered. Tell her your
schedule and let her know that you would like
to spend some time with her. However, we
are also convinced that a trip to Japan may be
too early to even think about - you first need
to at least speak to her over the phone a
couple of times - find out if she is for
'real'.
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(4) If you do not hear from her in a
reasonable time period (God knows if she is
seriously ill or someone in her family is ill
or something else unfortunate like that has
happened in the meantime) we think that you
should simply forget about her -
put another
ad and move on with your life. If she
does come back and has a reasonable excuse for
her silence, you should give her a chance
since you like her a lot. You should
re-emphasize that you are in this for a
serious relationship - while she has a right
to take things slowly - and if she does not
have similar goals you would like to know now
and decide accordingly.
(5) There are dishonest and mean people
every where, including Japan. You should
not make an opinion about Japanese people, or
for that matter any people, based on just one
bad experience. So give other
Japanese
(or
Asian or whoever else you fancy) a chance
- hopefully love will come your way. You
sound like a good person and any woman should
be proud to have someone like you. |
Here
is the action plan that we recommend:
A. Send her an email that you
have been waiting for an email from her for 3
weeks now and just wanted to make sure that
you got them - attach a copy of the previous
message.
B. Wait for 2 more weeks and if
you hear nothing, then just forget about her.
C. Revive
your
personal ad (MYNIPPON
advice on online dating) or whatever
else you think works for you to meet new
people.
D. Rethink
how you approach
people on the Internet - you say that you love
her without ever talking to her or seeing her
in person. While it sounds romantic, it
is also unreasonable. So much stuff on
the Internet is not always 'real'. So be
careful next time. Japanese people are
simply too polite and sometimes this can be
misread by others.
E. And as you said that you are
not a quitter - hope we can trust you on that
one. So don't quit - keep trying and we
are positive you will find your match.
Recommended articles:
An
Asian woman finds a relationship online with a
man of different race
Response
to online personals
Story
of making friends in Japan
Japanese
language friends
Online
lover |
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