Nancy writes, “I am 35 years old and in my second long term relationship. My children are 17(boy), 14(boy), and 12 (girl), all from my previous, abusive relationship.
My current husband and I were married almost four years ago. We dated for three years before we were married. I admit that when the day came I wanted to walk away and never look back. In my heart of hearts I knew it wouldn’t work. I had already moved my 3 children out of our home town in order to try to help our relationship.
Shortly after we were married, I went through a serious bout of anxiety and decided to move back home to be closer to my family and friends and deal with our relationship as things arose. I then found out that he was a drug addict. I knew that he had done it a few times but had no idea he was addicted. I spent the next two years of our marriage standing by and taking care of him. He swears to me that he doesn’t do it anymore but I know better. I don’t believe anything he says to me.
He works away from home so he’s gone four days a week. He’s only home from Thursday night to Sunday afternoon. He’s out every single weekend. Usually the first or second night he’s home and then spends the entire next day sleeping in bed or laying on the couch. The kids have even made comments about his leaving to go out with friends as soon as he gets home and doing nothing when he is home but laying around.
I take care of everything in the home including the kids, him, the house and the pets. The kids, of course, have their share of chores to help out but he does nothing at all as far as the house is concerned. Even when it comes to fixing broken things either I do it or it stays broken.
He lost his driver’s license and sold his truck shortly after so we don’t even own a vehicle. He makes good money and I have to make him give me his paychecks every week to ensure that he’s not blowing the whole thing before bills get paid and groceries are bought.
I know that he’s setting a terrible example for my kids and I know I have to get out. I just don’t know how to. I’ve asked him countless times to leave and he won’t. I don’t have anywhere to go and don’t think that I should be the one to leave with my kids and all of our belongings. It would be so much easier for him to leave.
I only have a part time job which really pays nothing. I only get five to six hours a week. I live in a very small community where there really are no jobs and you have to be related to the employers somehow to get a job.
I am now in the process of getting my driver’s license, which I know will give me that little extra boost of self confidence that I need. I just really need some advice as to how to get out. He obviously won’t leave and I know that I don’t love him enough to stay. Please help.”
I think you are married to a loser and you want to get rid of this useless man, but not right away. This is what I would suggest to get out of this dysfunction relationship in the best possible way for you and your children and to get your fair share after divorce:
- As you are already doing, get your driver’s license. That will give you an opportunity to explore job opportunities that are somewhat far away. Yes, you might need to spend an hour or two driving daily, but if you can work a full week, it is worth it.
- Do not leave him now nor ask him to leave. During the coming months as you try to either find a better job or turn your life around in other ways, it is nice to have access to his paycheck. Cut down your expenses to the bare minimum (for example, your cell phones, land line, cable, grocery, etc. always have some room for reduction) and whatever little you can save, try to put it in the bank as the rainy day fund.
- Start considering yourself divorced. What I mean by that is that you should try to become independent as much as possible because you will soon be divorced any way. The better prepared you are, the better you will do as a divorcee.
- Once you have some money in the bank, and even better, if you have a decent job, it will be time to ask for a divorce. Even if you don’t have a great job, at least, you will have some money in the bank that you can use to leave this little town behind and head to the big city. This may be your chance to turn your life around.