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Many
people
blame their partner for the failure of their marriage
but in reality if you
married someone out of love, the differences that
you might now see are probably so small that you can
simply talk about them and get over them.
I was in touch with a woman who felt that she did not
love her husband after
years of marriage and
loved another married man. She was almost ready to
get a
divorce but was reluctant to do so because she is
not
financially independent.
So I asked her to write down her husband's shortcomings.
This is what she could come up with.
- He's hard to talk to SOMETIMES
- He's not a neat freak like me
- He's not home enough
- He ignores me
- I HATE HIS NEW HAIR
CUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- I hate it when he uses my stuff
without asking or leave a little of whatever it is
- I hate when I ask him to go or do
something for me and he's tired but when someone
else asks it's not a problem
The list that she came up for herself
is:
- I don't come off as a friendly
person (until I get to know someone)
- I'm bossy
- I have a bad
attitude sometimes
- I speak before thinking sometimes
- I tend to ignore important things
- I like to have my way
"I guess my list is a lot worse than
his," she added.
So what I did was to put weaknesses of both of them side
by side and tried to find cause and effect (and after
adding some remarks in parentheses to make
them flow while reading) this is what I came up with.
- I don't come off as a friendly
person (until I get to know someone), [and probably
that is why] he's hard to talk to SOMETIMES.
- I'm bossy [and that is why] he
ignores me.
- I have a
bad attitude sometimes
[and maybe that is why he mistreats me by pretending
that] he's tired when when I ask him to go or do
something for me.
- I speak before thinking sometimes
[and obviously then] he's hard to talk to SOMETIMES.
- I tend to ignore important things
[probably him, and that is why in retaliation or
frustration] he ignores me.
- I like to have my way [and that
is why he does not do everything that I tell him to
do] but when someone else asks it's not a problem
I am glad that a partner
recognizes her shortcomings but if both of you
are not getting along, there is fault on both sides. I
know well that personalities
are hard to change but even small changes make a huge
impact, even if it is one-sided. For instance, if you
decide that for one month you will not always
want to have your way and would rather listen to others
and come to a compromise, you will notice an enormous
improvement in others attitude towards you. And so on.
Do you think you are willing to try to make just
one change for one month?
Now I don't want to spend more time on the minor stuff,
but here are few thoughts to consider:
- If he's not home enough, is it
because he is too busy working or he just likes to
hang out with his buddies? If he is working, you
need to think how to
cut expenses and
increase income, but if he is with his pals,
then you need to talk to him. Even then it might be
that he is avoiding your company because of your
attitude.
- If you hate his
haircut, talk to his
hairdresser. She can convince him to try
something new. And he wouldn't even know what
happened.
-
Relationships are about sharing and you have to
let him use whatever without asking. My wife and I
share everything and neither one of us ever asks
about
sharing. It
enhances intimacy among couples. So go ahead and
use his
tee or boxers or whatever you like and let him
use your
moisturizer. If something is running out, we
just make sure we buy more of it.
- I doubt if you can make him a
neat freak like you but give him a room that he can
have it his way but everywhere else you can set the
rules.
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