Priscilla,
a
married woman with two toddlers, met a
married man at party and thus began a
long
distance extramarital affair. She writes, "We have
never been
physically intimate, Our two year old
extramarital affair is emotional with plans to meet
and
connect on a physical level some day. He is a loving
father and has often told me he wishes I were the
mother of his children. She never wanted them, has
even said they were a mistake, and feels like she has
wasted 10 years of their marriage. They have talked
about how they
don't connect sexually, she is not his type and he
is not hers. They have never had the
passionate sexual connection all the way from the
beginning. When they do
have sex it is quick and done with, he admits,
shamefully that he thinks of me to 'get
off.' Anyway, we were apart for 8 months when he
contacted me again to tell me he never stopped loving me
and loves me still. Things went from zero to 200 mph. He
has even
asked her for a divorce. She fought him about it
then realized she
cannot move on. He
struggles with guilt for his boys, so he is going
through
counseling which is trying to
convince
him to stay. So that is where we both are at. I'm
fearful he will remain with her and hurt me deeper. I
know I
can't control his decision. I DO know the only
reason he would
stay in the marriage is because he can't imagine
himself as an every-other-week
dad with custody. It is the ONLY reason he is in
turmoil. He has told her he doesn't love her, says the
boys are the only reason he would stay and even told her
that once they reached 18 he would still leave her. He
reached out to me because he realized that he could not
live without me and I would be his BIGGEST regret."
She
is also realizing that she may have
found the man her husband is not. She adds, "We
could have been carbon copies of each other. We have the
same
taste in food,
clothes,
decor, etc. Too numerous and many to count. We
connect and get each other on an emotional,
intellectual and physical level. We laugh easily with
each other and find that the greatest joy in our day is
when we are together. The 2 plus hours we chat on Skype,
texting, emailing feels like minutes. As soon as we are
offline we miss each other terribly. It's painful when
we can't talk each day. Our relationship isn't just
about
sexual or physical desires and needs. We talk about
our day, ask each other for advice, and enjoy just being
in each other's presence sometimes in total silence. Now
he struggles with the fear of losing his boys, fear of
losing their love, fear of financial strain, fear that I
won't be there for him if he does do this, fear of the
unknown. I'm not sure what my question is. I guess I
just need an opinion."
Yours
is a very delicate situation but I hope you realize that
our lives today are nothing more than a sum of the
decisions from the past. For reasons that are
incomprehensible to me, he chose to
marry this woman with whom he had no connection, and
when he should have known this fairly quickly, he still
chose to
have kids with her. What was he thinking? Any man
with even a bit of common sense would have known that if
marriage
to a woman is not full of love and good sex, there
is no point in dragging it by bringing kids into the
picture.
Priscilla,
as you know already, this is a
man with a ton of baggage and I am no fan of such
relationships. I can appreciate the
connection you feel with this man but this affair is
not getting you both anywhere. Since he does not love
her and instead loves you, even if he could make any
efforts to
make his marriage work is not being made because his
heart is with you, not into his marriage. Sadly
enough, since you are
having an affair with him, you are not
working on your own marriage. If he is wasting time
in his marriage, so are you with him.
Priscilla,
what is that you really want and hope? This
relationship is asking for a lot of sacrifices and
still there is no guarantee that you will get the
outcome that you wish. He sure is a great friend and it
is better to have him as a
friend, but as a
lifelong partner, it seems that there are so many
barriers to you two being together that it is best to
pursue single men or to give one last push to
save your marriage. |
