 I
set
out to find the secret of what allows some women to keep their
relationships happy and strong for decades.
As I conducted my research to
help my clients with their relationships, I interviewed dozens of
couples that are very satisfied with their relationships.
It did not surprise me that there were so many similarities
among 'happy' couples and the women showed several common traits.Again,
results of my research may not be valid for all situations and you
are welcome to ignore what you do not agree with or find
irrelevant. You need to look at your specific situation and determine
what is best for you and him.
Outsiders like me can only help both of you think about the
issues and provide you with an opportunity to talk to a third
person without getting emotional, but in the end you need to fight
it out together. Below are the five basic principles of a
solid relationship:
(Related article: Do
not let your marriage fall apart)
1.
Do not take him for granted
These
women think of him as their 'latest boyfriend' all the time and
that means that they never relax the standards for their behavior.
For them it is always like the first time.
So all the way from dressing up for him (Christina
Aguilera Jordan Bratman) whenever he sees
you to having some quality intimate time, they always do their best.
2.
Give him his space
Yes,
you might feel that you own him now that he is married to you but
give him his space and freedom.
Men do not like to feel that they are trapped and once they
feel that way they resent everything that reminds them of the
trap. Let them hang
out with other guys without you (whether it is
golf or
fishing or
drinking or even going to enjoy some entertainment), let him
have his space at home (if he needs a private room for himself, and
if possible, let him have it or if space is an issue he might just
want a shelf or a locker that he knows will not be touched by
anyone but him), and finally, let him feel that he was part of the
decision. Most
enlightened men do not believe in making all the decision
themselves any more but they still feel bad that a decision was
imposed on them. (Related:
30 day sex challenge)
3. Give him all the
sex that he wants
Believe it or not it is the advice that grandmothers have always given but it has been forgotten over the years. A man has only a finite capacity to have
intimacy and as long as he is somewhere close to his capacity, it is very unlikely that he will seek it elsewhere. Only when he feels that he is not getting enough, he is likely to actively seek it elsewhere or be tempted easily. And when I say 'all that he wants', I just don't mean frequency. I also include 'type'. While you need to discuss certain things as a couple
and come to a reasonable compromise, you still need to make sure that he gets what he likes. Many male clients of mine complain that their
wives will not make love to them with lights on, or not wear
lingerie,
or not do whatever else that they like. I understand why it might be difficult for you to do everything that he wants, you should not forget that a couple needs to satisfy their requirements in a mutually acceptable manner. Most men that I speak to say that they are willing to come to some kind of a compromise but what really turns them off is an absolute no without even an attempt to try something new and come to a compromise. Many of these men were either very frustrated with their relationships or sought
intimacy elsewhere, causing great harm to the relationship in either case. Whether you will let him have the freedom to go elsewhere for his needs is a decision you need to make. Some women have looked the other way when their men have opted to go elsewhere in such cases. While I do not necessarily endorse this behavior, you need to think what you need to do if you are faced with such a situation.
4. Do not let anything come between you and him
It can be kids, a job, other family members, or any other distraction. For instance, while having kids is very noble and essential in most families, and was probably his priority too, it does not mean that you need to reduce the attention that your relationship deserves. The challenge will be to manage your time and energy in a way that you can take care of a child (who invariably protests more loudly) but also give your man what he deserves. The secret here is to make him engaged in the process of child raising so that it frees you up from some of the responsibilities, makes him appreciate the challenges of raising a child, and magically produces some extra time for both of you. Similarly you need to evaluate your situation if you have a job or if there are family members that do not allow you to spend enough time with each other. (Related:
Couples in long marriages)
5. Marriage is just one looooong-term friendship
We all know very well what happens when we do not invest in our friendship through time and love. The same applies to marriage - we might still keep the legal part with us, we lose the friendship part. Being legally married alone is no sure way to know if you are still 'friends'.
Recommended links:
Saving
your marriage Tips
for strong marriage
Life
after divorce
Sexually unsatisfied
women
How to save a marriage through sex
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