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Jack is
a 30-year old
man in a
long distance relationship with a
married
woman who is in a completely
dysfunctional relationship but
cannot get
a divorce since they are Catholics. While they
stay in
touch online and through occasional meetings, he
writes, "While we are able to
communicate frequently, some times the gap becomes
too long. That is why recently I am seeing
lack of passion towards me in recent communication.
I wonder if it is due to her job or
broken marriage that she has. I am also realizing
that some details of an
ex-girlfriend that I shared with her are coming to
bite me and she is telling me that I should
go back
to her than be with her. She told me that she can
sense
feelings for my ex, that I
still love
her, and that I should go and
search for her! My
painful experience with that relationship are behind
my feelings (she ran away with my money and other
belongings and I am too much of a gentleman to report
her to the
cops).
Does a man have to hide his
pain-weaknesses-sensitiveness from his lover? Does
talking about
pain-losses makes women feel that this
man is weak? I
love this woman very much. Do you feel I am
wrong in my approach or attitude? Yesterday I
honestly
confessed to her that I loved her. I talk straight.
I don't have a sweet tongue. I talk openly. I don't
hide. One thing sure,
she loves
me very much. But I am not able to always
make her happy; I mean always."
Marriage is not always the answer
If
you had not told me that (One thing sure, she loves me
very much.) I would have said that she does not
love you as a potential husband. Maybe she likes you
as a
wonderful man and even feels sad that she could not
be your wife and wishes that only if you had met her
at the right time! However, since you believe that she
loves you, I am willing to conclude that she does love
you to some extent.
Having said that, I still have
serious doubts about her commitment and
inclination to marry you based on everything that
you have shared with me so far. Maybe it is your
somewhat
pushy
personality, or your
direct
communication style, or your
younger age, or her marital status (her
religion may make it harder for her), or her
desire to live with you, or something else that none
of us may know.
Obviously she brings a lot of
baggage with her and I am not yet convinced that she
wants to marry you. By this time, a normal
woman in love with her lover would be discussing
wedding dates,
engagement rings, and selecting her
wedding dress. Actually, the complaint that I hear
most often from guys is that the
women that
they date start talking
wedding and
babies much earlier than they like. So her
conversations about constantly telling you about the
age gap
or asking you to
find a
bride closer to your age or asking you to
go to your ex is her polite way of saying she does
not want what you want. Maybe she is just too polite to
not say directly to you that she
does not want to marry you, or that she is afraid
that if she said so, your
heart will break. She is probably hoping that by
showing her reluctance you will eventually give up.
She may not be truly happy with how her life has turned
out (stuck
with a man that she does not love) and appreciates
how you want to make it better but she may not see a
wedding
with you as the answer.
How to convince your girlfriend to
get married?
I know this may come across as shocking and sad for you,
but this is how read the situation based on my
experience and similar other cases that I have dealt
with. My suggestion to you will be to
formally propose to her to get an answer one way or
the other. Buy an
engagement ring and looking right into her eyes,
ask her to marry you. That will be her chance to say
a definitive yes or no. If she
accepts your proposal, congratulations. If she says
no, it will be her final word and you should
move on with your life. I am sure that you will feel
bad for not being able to
marry someone you love but I am confident that for a
good man like you it should not be difficult to
marry another girl. |
