Andrea writes, “Last year was a bad year as I lost my dad, miscarried, and my dog died. So you just keep going through life but then a married guy at work who never really noticed me before and only treated me as a friend said that he had a dream about me. As time went by we started talking and, cutting a long story short, we had an affair. There was always something special when we first met but I never thought, wow, your the one. Anyhow this all started in about 18 months ago. I was in a twenty year relationship and he was in a marriage with two children aged 16 and 21. We met, he wooed me, we got caught, his wife found out, but we carried on. I started drinking but he did not care; he had his family. But as time went on I started to fall for him. His wife works In a school and I began to notice that every holiday he would say ‘I can’t do it’ and I would be left stranded. I would try and get him back, begging really. Then we would kiss and cuddle and all would be okay. He stated that he moved in the dining room, then the whole process started again, ‘I can’t do it blah, blah, blah,’ again I tried to get him back. Then he moved out and again he couldn’t do it; again I broke my heart. Then he stated he would not go psychotic again, it was all sorted and he was going to be down his mom and dad’s because she had gone mental and started chucking him out. Off he went to mom and dad’s, we started planning things last week he took me to New York and treated me well, and when this weekend because I wasn’t happy about something, he stated he could not do it anymore. He always stated that he was too old for me and that I was too intelligent for all of this and that he cannot live without his children and the life they have had, he needs his bubble. Oh, this has been the same for the past thirteen months, and yes, each time I tried to get him back. He always said he loved me and did not want to lose me and then within the last few days he stated that he could not do it anymore and wanted to spend time with the kids and he did not have any time for it all. Again I sort of tried to understand because it went from I want to be on my own to being with me to maybe returning to his wife. I work on a vehicle with this guy and the thought of seeing him everyday and working with him also has broken my heart because of the messing around. So yes, today he is going to move which he should have done ages ago. Not sure if he is happy with it but why on earth would you treat someone like this? Why would no one get that they hurt you so much? We planned so much together and nothing in the end. My family and friends think giving time he will try again that’s why I decided to change as many shifts as possible. I am absolutely obsessed and I don’t know why. The intimacy we had was crap with him but his personality was fantastic. He could become controlling. But why one minute I love you and the next I did love you? I tried and tried because I love him so much and I have told him that. I think in a way I have been played but he seemed more genuine recently and I thought this was it. Also how the hell can he go back and live that life again when he has done what he has done? He said his wife has hit him and been abusive; I don’t get it unless it’s all lies. Thanks for listening. I hope you can give me some insight because we all don’t get it.”
Married men have baggage: As I have written repeatedly in my articles, when you are dating a married individual, you will be forced to deal with his/her baggage. So as much as he hates his wife and is unhappy in his marriage, because he has not divorced her, it is not going to be easy for him to move away. Plus, like so many men, he maybe doing this because he wants to be with his kids.
Are you dating a player and you do not know it? I hear from a lot of women who fall for married men who are players. These guys look for emotionally vulnerable or financially stressed women and they either play with their emotions or ply them with money/gifts in order to get what they are not getting with their wives, but for reasons that vary by each case, they do not want to leave their wives. When their mistress wants something more and they cannot give, they just dump her in the name of “I need to go back to my wife for the sake of kids” and go find yet another mistress.
Indecisive men are losers: It does not appear that your lover is a player as such because he does not fit the profile and has not acted that way, but he is more likely just an emotional man who is struggling to make up his mind. He is simply confused. Granted that he could be unhappy and is going back to a life that he will hate, but we all do stupid things and then regret. I wouldn’t be surprised if he changes his mind again in a few weeks but it could also be that he ends up stuck in this marriage forever and then one day he will reflect on it and regret that he should have never lost you.
Get rid of the drama and go find a single man: My advice would be to just let him deal with his problems. And, wow, he has problems. By loving him, you are not loving a man who is all yours; you are getting stuck with his messy life. Now, if all other things were great and this guy was wealthy, it might be worth it to deal with this drama, but that isn’t the case. Yeah, he has good personality, but trust me, if you try again, you should be able to find a single man who happens to have reasonably good (if not great) personality. Life is about compromises and you want to make them with a man who can be just yours.