Differences in dating styles
Not all cultures look at dating the same way

By Mark Gomez

This is something that actually happened at the end of 1999 in Kyoto, Japan. I had a friend called Tsyu-pon (strange nick-name for a Japanese dude) who was one of the downtown "nanpa" boys (i.e. he drove around in his customized airbrushed red mini-van all the time, looking for girls) He had long blonde hair and everything else that goes with that personality. 

I saw this guy regularly with different girls, and although his English was really bad, and my Japanese was, um, really bad too, we still managed to communicate the essentials. One day he was just dying to tell a "hilarious story" so I told him we would meet up at a bar later, so that my Canadian friend could translate the story.  (Related:  Smart dating)

This was my first exposure to understand how very different the Japanese culture and mentality can be. Apparently, a girl he knew through a mutual friend was spreading rumors (throughout the nampa community, I suppose) that he wasn’t a good lay, although they had never slept together. This, of course had greatly offended him, so he knew he had to "take action". The course of action was rather unpredictable, though. He drove around downtown (Kiamachi and Kawaramachi, Kyoto) looking for this girl or any of her friends. He soon spotted one of her friends and got her cell-phone number (always a key ingredient in these situations). He called her so he could find out where she was hanging out. He then agreed to meet her 30 minutes later. When he pulled up in his nampa-van he ordered her to get in, which she did. This is where it gets weird. Then he drove all the way out of town and into the nearby hills and mountains, which surround Kyoto. After he had been driving around for 35 minutes, he told her she had two options - 1) She could get out and walk back to town, or 2) Go back to town with him to a love-hotel and see what it is actually like to be with him. She chose the latter option. Strange! Most cultures I am familiar with would have the girl saying "no" or try calling the cops.

So, they went back to town. Now, by this stage it sounded like a forced, blackmail first date. They went to the love hotel, checked in and then they were both intimate.  (Related:  Sex on first date)

In most countries, this would be considered rape for sure. But in Japan, especially in this sub-culture of quick dates, sex-friends (sekusutomo) and cell-phones, this counted as a regular thing. Partly, I think the patriarchal framework of Japan is the backbone of situations like this.

I often wondered whether her motives were such from the beginning. She knew this guy had a reputation for wanting to be with lots of girls, so why did she try to spread rumors about him in the first place? She had a chance to run away, when he gave her the option in the hills, then again when they got back to town, before they went in the love-hotel. Basically, she wanted to do it. I think it was a mixture of feeling bad that she had told a lie about this guy, and the fact that Japanese girls are traditionally always supposed to resist men as it turns on the male more. So she’s actually not resisting, which is where it gets confusing. To many of us Westerners, this is all very confusing.

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