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Is
there an elegant way to breakup?
Ending
a relationship does not have to be bitter and ugly
By Pierre Coda
Looks like we all have a
breakup story that we never forget. Unfortunately so many of these are very sad stories. I know of so many people who went through virtual
hell ending a relationship particularly if it lasted a while.
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Is there a pleasant way to have a
breakup? I guess 'pleasant breakup' sounds like an oxymoron but indeed there are cases when one can break up without generating tremendous amount of negative feelings. As is often the case, to simply disappear or not answer requests for even talking about it, is also not the
right way to handle a
breakup. After all were you not with this person engaging in some of the most intimate things imaginable, and now you do not even want to get face-to-face with that person?
(Related:
Breakup for the first time)
I
should, however, clarify that there are exceptions to
making elegant breakups. While you should always
maintain a pleasant demeanor (mean behavior does not
help anyone), it is perfectly acceptable to let your
disappointment be known when the person has hurt you by
cheating or otherwise breaking the rules of the
relationship. Such honorable behavior might earn
you the respect of your partner and also make
her/him realize the gravity of the situation. In
fact an approach like this might even make the
relationship work again. As Dr. Robert Huizenga,
author of the book "Break
Free From The Affair" points out, "80% of
those who divorce during an affair regret the decision
and over 75% who marry partners in an affair eventually
divorce." |
 In some situation, while one partner has
made up his or her mind about moving
on, it is not always because of the other partner being a mean-spirited soul. In such cases, it is so difficult to look someone in the eye and say that you do not love them any more despite how great you are. This is when people just disappear, and their assumption is that they are making it easy for both parties - no need to be embarrassed, no need to apologize. Many people criticize this approach as those of self-centered folks who were thinking that something was wrong, or they had to leave but they didn't have the guts to tell their lover about it, because they cannot face the emotional bomb they have created with there partner, and just like a coward, they disappear leaving the other person confused and
heart-broken. This
is an approach that no expert recommends. Susie
and Otto Collins, a couple specializing in
relationships, write in their book Should
I Stay or Go, "A lot of people ( and couples)
think that if they don't really focus on the issue of
whether they want to stay in or leave their
relationships--that the problems will magically somehow
heal themselves." They don't and by running
away you are not only
hurting the other person but also
denying yourself the experience of dealing with an issue
in a respectable manner. You owe it to the person
you loved that you at least have the decency to say a
proper goodbye. (Related article: When
is a good time to breakup?) I know in some cultures, for example in Japan, there is one scenario which works very well. You meet the person for the final time and generally bring a small gift, you tell him or her that you would like to move on (you do not need to give a reason and no one will typically press you for one - I mean isn't it pretty simple to conclude that if
someone wants to end the relationship they probably have very strong reasons for it), and then apologize a little. Very soon, you forget your past and move on. I like it, particularly the gift part - something to remind you of the beautiful memories with that person you found so special at some point in your life. Akiko, a Japanese friend of mine, explained it to me this way, "We are raised to be proper and to not upset men. So by buying
expensive
gifts, we try to compensate for the breakup and also in hopes of not angering our boyfriend."
The approach that I like and advise my clients to use is similar to a meeting that you
would have with someone when you do not want to renew a contract. While there is frustration that the other partner might regret not being your part of the relationship any more, she or he understands that you have choices and you can evaluate your options any time. There is no reason to hate each other for it and it is best to pursue other opportunities. In my opinion, any romantic relationship (other than marriage or any other formal agreement) is essential subject to termination at any time (this is the main reason why I keep emphasizing that you should not take your partner for granted and pay attention to him/her at all times). Thus, it is best to end the relationship on a pleasant note. You never know when you will run into an old sweetheart. Isn't there a TV program in which they
invite your ex to redecorate your house.
Recommended:
How
to decide to dump a partner?
Brittany Murphy Joe Macaluso breakup
I want to leave a bad marriage
Hard to move on after breakup
End relationship with married man
Second thoughts after breakup
I regret breaking up
How I broke up
with my boyfriend? |
