enough intimacy in the marriage?
seek help to bring the passion back into the marriage ......
By Pierre Coda
Sex after marriage! Or should I say,
(no) sex after a few years of marriage. It is not something that we all talk about all that much but the problem is acute in most relationships. If a chart is drawn with years of marriage and the frequency of
intimacy, the line drops off pretty rapidly after three years and the drop is even sharper for couples with kids. In about one-thirds of the cases, there is some recovery in the 50s when kids are
anxieties about life are somewhat subdued, and couples have less
distractions, but for many couples even that does not
Marriage without passion)
Dr. Andrew Atwood, the author of
"Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless
Marriage," estimates that there are as many as 17 million married people in the United States alone that have no
sex at all. And it is not just you and I.
Teri Hatcher has admitted in her book that she had a nearly
sexless marriage to Jon Tenney. This is not a healthy sign since it is not for any moral or
religious reasons that these folks are not having
reasons vary but are typically related to lack of
passion, lack of effort by both partners to take the initiative, and stress caused by a variety of factors. No one can disagree that healthy dose of
high-quality intimacy is critical to happiness in married
life. Several studies have shown that couples with a contented
life are likely to be physically and emotionally fit, good members of the society, and more likely to perform better personally and professionally.
When I deal with my clients who are
living in literally sexless marriages, what surprises me the most that each partner blames the other rather than
takes responsibility for their actions. I have observed that since
physical intimacy is a mutual activity, both partners are to be blamed if they are not having it, though the level of blame could be different. While both men and women think of
intimacy, they do not always create the right
environment and take initiative to make it happen.
Michele W Davis, the author of "A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their
says, "Once the low-interest partner allows
him/herself to be touched and aroused, this will trigger
a strong desire to continue being sexual."
Other probable sad outcomes of unhealthy marital lives are
alcohol/drug addiction, association with prostitutes, visits to
adult entertainment establishments, and in the worst cases,
abuse of family members (which in the worst form could mean minors). And trust me, it is not just the men who engage in such behaviors. While women may not have the same options as men do, with proliferation of
cell phones and the
women are increasingly engaging in adventures that were previously associated with men alone.
What can be done?
1. Acknowledge the problem. While no guidelines indicate what is the optimum frequency, but a rule of thumb that I use with my clients (of all ages) is that if they are not
being intimate at least once a week on average (to calculate the average you can exclude the time that you cannot have
it, for example, one partner has to be away for a few months or is seriously ill or anything else that makes
it impossible). This is not a time to assign blame.
2. Sit down with your partner and discuss it to:
(a) Identify the reasons
(b) Develop an action plan together with clearly defined roles and responsibilities
(c) Agree on what will happen if something does not turn out the way it is planned
3. Invest in some simple things that produce the sparks leading to
intimacy. For instance, here are some suggestions for women:
(a) Invest in
lingerie if you have not bought something for a long time.
(b) Redecorate your
bedroom. Clean up the mess and turn
it into a nice, cozy place. Not a bad idea to buy some aromatherapy
products along with candles.
Install a music system and compile a selection of soft, romantic (preferably instrumental or classical) music
for playing at the right time.
(d) Stock your bathroom with products containing exotic fragrances and use them prior to going to bed.
(e) Are you fit? Do you have some extra pounds? While you do not have to wait to till you have the
body, start working on it by having a healthy diet and
regimen. Research also shows that if you have
surgery to fix an area, you will do better in your sex
Suggestions for men
(a) Get off that couch and turn the TV off at least one hour prior to your sleeping time so that you can go to the
bedroom. If you are early in the bedroom, you can listen to some music, read a magazine, or just relax without any distractions.
(b) It is not only the women who need to wear lingerie. You must also see what you wear while sleeping and if you are used to wearing cotton T shirts and ugly boxers, think again. Buy something
that invites her attention.
(c) Sex is not work. Indulge in it. Do not just expect to be treated by her. Do what you can to please her. As women get older, they need greater stimulation to be ready for penetration so take some time. Ask her what she likes and do it even if it something that you have never done
Christina Aguilera Jordan Bratman and
Britney Spears in bed)
(e) It is very likely that you do not know all the
things that you need to please a woman. There is
nothing wrong with seeking help.
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