One of the
first reactions we have when we find out that the person
that we love the most in this world actually
cheated
on us is to
cheat in revenge. I have friends that will simply go
to a bar,
pickup
some random person, and
have
sex just to take revenge. Not the right course of
action, according to
marriage counseling expert Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.
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 In
other cases, the betrayed person confides in a sympathetic
friend or co-worker and ends up becoming involved in an
emotional affair with that person, which may eventually
result in
infidelity. “The
feelings of betrayal and the
emotional pain caused by a
marriage affair are devastating,” says Wasson. “The
spouse may want to hurt the
cheating husband or
wife
like she (or he) has been
hurt,” she says. "The affair or
one-night stand results from a combination of feelings
— betrayal, shock, outrage, grief, hurt, numbness, the
desire for revenge, and the feeling that being
faithful doesn’t matter anymore now that the partner
has crossed the line.” There’s also the feeling on
the part of the betrayed spouse that the partner can’t say
anything about the retaliation affair
because he or she did the same thing. There’s also often
the feeling that the “get even affair” is the fault of the
partner who had the first affair, and he (or she) gets the
blame for everything that has happened. |
While
it’s easy to understand how a retaliation or get even
affair can happen, it can be difficult to stop
divorce and
save
the marriage. The relationship dynamics were already
complicated and messy, and now they are even more so. Dr.
Wasson gives several reasons why an affair like this is a
bad way to mend a relationship after adultery:
1. When the original affair took place, there was
already one person too many in the
marriage relationship — now there are two people too
many, with all of the
complications and complexity that brings with it. The
marriage problems are compounded when this happens.
2. The
outside person who has been drawn into the
retaliation affair is likely to end up feeling
used and taken advantage of when the dust settles.
And using someone else never produces the kind of
energy that you want to invite into your life.
Plus, afterwards there can be lingering guilt and
regret. (Related:
How to start an affair?)
3. Engaging in a “get even
fling” will only
drive a bigger wedge between you and your partner
and make it harder for you to address the real
problems in the marriage. It will also serve
as a diversion from focusing on the deeper,
underlying issues.
4. The retaliation affair or one night stand
offers only temporary escape from the pain and
distress. When the brief interlude is over, the
heartache is still there. There’s no getting
around the fact that “You take yourself with you
wherever you go.” The temporary escape won’t bring
you lasting happiness or joy.
Recommended articles:
Extramarital affairs
Repeated infidelity
How
to sign a prenup agreement
Christian relationship
Should I have an affair
How to
ask my married boyfriend to get a divorce
My married boyfriend is back with his wife
Should I trust my husband after cheating?
How to pursue an extramarital relationship
Is it OK to cheat |
