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Marriages
in Japan
Differences
and similarities with other cultures
By Hani Wahyuningtias
Marriage in Japan, traditionally seen as union of two families, is now seen as an individual choice with some approval from the family elders. In Japan, there are two types of marriages: the so-called love marriage and
arranged
marriage. The love marriage is the type familiar to everyone in the West, where the couple meets independently without the
assistance of a go-between or matchmaker. Once they make up their minds about their marriage, other in the family are expected to join in even if they might disagree. Although the arranged marriage was predominant in the past, the majority of
Japanese
people today choose love marriages.
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The modern system of arranged marriage in Japan is somewhat similar to
blind dating in the United States. When a young woman reaches the marriageable age (now about 25 for a Japanese woman), she and her parents compile a packet of information about her, including a photograph of her, sometimes in both a
kimono and western outfit, and descriptions of her family background, education, hobbies, accomplishments, and interests. Her parents then inquire among their friends and acquaintances to see if anyone knows a man who could be a suitable husband for her. The person who does becomes the go-between, showing the packet to the potential bridegroom and, if both parties are interested, arranging a meeting between them. (The man provides a photograph and information as well.) Such meetings often take place in the restaurant of a posh hotel. The go-between is present, usually along with representatives from both families. If the young couple feels inclined, they will
begin dating, with marriage as a possible, but not inevitable result. It is not uncommon for a woman to have 10 or more such introductions before she finds the man she wants to marry. |
In the years after the war, the passive role of women in a marriage has changed, as did the nature of the
omiai. Today it still provides a way for men and women to meet who would otherwise be too busy or
too shy to do so. While family and friends took the initiative in the past from a pool of acquaintances, now they are aided by phone/Internet dating services or
professional matchmakers. As most activities in Japan remain gender-segregated, the chance to interact with members of the opposite sex and getting to know them without such help is still limited.
Since in the mid-80s, economic independence of women has resulted in their
moving out of their hometowns to pursue careers in large cities. They also feel more strongly about when and whom they should marry and their parents have essentially not opposed this
transformation. Interestingly, while being single or
divorced was frowned upon 20-30 years ago, this is no longer the case.
Unlike the West,
love is not considered the single-most important element in Japan. Marriage is still a societal institution that is not designed for the sole purpose of happiness of two people. Thus, people naturally fall in love or tend to marry a person who can help them raise a family, has a good education, holds a job, and her or his family does not have a bad reputation. No wonder that many men and women who do not meet this criterion have a difficult time finding a spouse. Many men from farmer families have a difficult time finding brides because a vast majority of the women move to large cities to pursue careers and do not want to return to the farms.
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